I Am Not Comfortable with the Concessions to My Husband, What Can Be Done?

I am a married woman with children, and I do everything to maintain a nice and calm atmosphere at home. I was always taught to give in, because peace is great, and it is the vessel that holds the blessing, and in essence, the Divine Presence dwells in the home only because of peace. However, at the end of the day, I am the one who has to give in, and I do not feel at peace with the concessions and the good heart within me.

One of the reasons why the topic of concession in marriage is sensitive is because we tend to confuse concession with accumulation. While concession is like forgiving wholeheartedly an action, accumulation is silence that hides negative feelings, which we might not even be aware of.

Both actions – concession and accumulation – appear the same outwardly, hence the confusion, but they are not identical at all. For example, the husband tells his wife that he will get home early today to spend more time with the kids, but he ends up arriving late. Since everything is generally good between them, the wife prefers to 'give in', smooth things over, and move on.

Over time, the same situation repeats itself, and gradually the wife starts accumulating resentment towards her husband. Since it happens gradually, she doesn't notice the emotional baggage building up, and suddenly a small and trivial matter causes her to burst out at her husband. The husband, who is unaware of the accumulated feelings, feels that his wife's reaction is out of proportion. He cannot understand why for a 'small matter' – the reason for the current argument – she is so angry, because he does not connect it to the negative emotions that have built up in her.

When examining the case, we notice that in the first instances where the husband did not keep his promise, the wife gave in and believed she did so wholeheartedly, but in her heart, she didn't really concede, rather she accumulated more and more anger until it finally burst out. If the wife had truly conceded gladly, then the first matter would have been forgotten back then, and wouldn't trouble her anymore. However, the lack of true concession for the sake of 'industrial quiet' didn't cancel the wife's negative reaction; it simply postponed it.

Even if the wife or husband are sure they forgave, still, at the time of a disagreement, all those previous instances where they disagreed return and resurface. For this reason, it is preferable that couples do not accumulate feelings. This does not mean we should not consider the partner, give in, or forgive them. Rather, the intention is that when something bothers us – it is advisable and important to talk about it, to avoid accumulating bad feelings time and again, until they fill us with negative feelings, and explode in the next argument out of proportion.

Therefore, in every event that occurs between the couple, there is an obligation to talk and express the feelings, and not to suppress them. And no less important – the conversation should be in a positive atmosphere and at a suitable and convenient time for both parties.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is an expert marriage counselor and psychotherapist, working in the CHEN department (Peace at Home, Child Education, Peace of Mind).

The CHEN department offers therapists nationwide. Consultations can be received via ZOOM. The consultation involves a fee.

This is important to me, I want to consult! Call 073-3333-101, or contact via email chayas@htv.co.il