How to Build True Love? 4 Steps to a True Relationship

"I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. We had love in the first two years, and it just ended," Naomi said sadly.

"I don't love her?! I'm doing everything to make her happy. Of course, I love her," Raz replied.

"I feel like you're not interested in me," Naomi responded.

"What, in your opinion, is love?" I asked.

"True friendship, attraction," Naomi answered.

"Care, concern," Raz added.

"Yes, all of these are essential bricks for building love. But the truth is that the meaning of romantic love is the strong desire to become one," I answered.

"Yes, but what about feeling those butterflies in your stomach? That excitement?"

"Infatuation is like an imaginary tool for connection that Is not real, which Hashem created to connect very strongly between two different and even opposite people who don't know each other," I answered.

"Why do you say infatuation isn't real?" Naomi asked.

"Because real things are eternal, and infatuation is a kind of enthusiasm that meets an external longing, but it's not really love, and therefore it passes," I explained.

"So if I feel that the love between us is over?" she asked.

"It's not the love that's over, but the infatuation. Love is something that should be built in a mature, strong, and correct way, otherwise you will always miss that temporary phenomenon you had: the infatuation."

"So basically what we had until now didn't count? It wasn't love, just an illusion?" Naomi asked.

"It was a necessary stage in the relationship. To build strong love, with depth and stability, we need to look at the four stages of love development, according to King Solomon: 'My sister, my bride, my dove, my perfect one.' Each of these concepts is a stage that needs to be passed and succeeded in stabilizing."

"Once I move past a stage, do I start a new one?" Raz asked.

"Yes, but all the stages need to continue to exist simultaneously; it's not skipping from stage to stage, but a building of layers."

"So what do these steps mean?" Raz asked curiously.

"Stage A: My Sister - The Foundation of Security in the Relationship. Stage where I relate to my wife as a blood relation, just like a sister, we were born siblings and will finish as siblings".

"So how does Judaism allow divorce?" Naomi asked.

"I'm not saying it's forbidden to divorce, but as long as you choose married life, we regard this relationship as inseparable. Some couples live with a kind of virtual suitcase at home, and in every argument, small or large, they start using sentences like 'I made a mistake getting married,' 'I fell,' 'I was naive,' etc. This thing harms our ability to truly connect, as one side feels threatened, and then they can't be genuinely open-hearted because everything will soon end."

"I experience her always feeling like she missed out by not marrying her first boyfriend, and she has a kind of wish that maybe one day they will marry. This thing makes me feel really unstable in the relationship," Raz complained.

"Naomi, this sense of uncertainty in the relationship, that maybe you married the wrong person, doesn't allow Raz to bring himself fully to the relationship, because he feels he is in a kind of condition."

"Raz, it's important to note that this sense of condition you feel isn't just an internal feeling of yours due to a lack of trust that a relationship can be eternal without conditions. In any case, you need to develop a consciousness that you are going on the shared path you chose together to the end."

"I really don't feel like I'm sure about us growing old together," Naomi said.

"Even if you're not sure, you need to give your one hundred percent because only real devotion can open a channel to love. Therefore, the first stage that needs building and establishment is the 'My Sister' stage, where the relationship is inseparable."

"I don't feel like his sister, I feel like his mother," Naomi fumed.

"You really need to beware of this trap. We often tend to fall into familial roles because they are familiar to us and easy to gravitate towards, and then you become his mother, and he becomes your son, or vice versa."

"Falling into these roles within a romantic relationship provides answers to very important emotional needs, but not in the right way, and therefore we need to move on to the next stage and not get stuck in this one."

"Stage B - My Bride -Spousal Love. In spousal love, we develop the closest relationship we have."

"His closest bond is with his friend Maor, he shares things with him that he doesn’t share with me."

"She doesn't want me to meet with Maor. I don't understand, why is she jealous of our friendship?"

"I don't want to hurt the good friendship you have with him, but every close relationship you have outside, with friends or with your family, must be smaller than your relationship with Naomi; otherwise, she becomes a second priority. Your most significant relationship, in essence, should be the one you have with Naomi; it is the main relationship of your life, and then you can move on to the next stage."

"Stage C - My Dove - Inner Love". "What do you mean by inner love?" Raz asked.

"Inner love is love where the giving is solely according to the receiver's needs, and not according to the giver's desire. The ability to look at Naomi’s inner self, know what she needs, and that she is special, unique, and tailored for you."

"This stage comes after much work, and it's not a natural stage. It can only happen after we've passed the first two stages."

"Stage D - My Perfect One - Complete Love – Integration".

"What do you mean by complete love?" Raz asked.

"Complete love is when you and Naomi became one person when you married. That the sum of both of your strengths serves you, and together you deal with both of your weaknesses. Have you ever encountered a couple who went through a crisis and broke apart as a result, and a couple who went through a crisis and emerged stronger from it?"

"Of course, we know some personally," Naomi replied.

"When Raz's problems are also yours, it means you stand together in the same problem, and it means you are on the same side."

"That's exactly what I'm telling Raz about him being messy and inconsiderate," Naomi said.

"Why do you care? I want to live how I want, and you live how you want," Raz replied.

"Raz, you are part of a bond you've built, where you are supposed to work in sync. The problems become shared, and you are supposed to learn to work with it."

"When I deal alone with my own issues, it goes against the whole meaning of the relationship. The joint solution unites, connects, and together with all the other stages in place, will make you much greater and more inclusive people. It will open and grow you."

"Only when all four stages are in place, love can be built and significantly developed for many years."

Hanna Dayanhanna.tipul@gmail.com

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