How Not to Despair in Matchmaking? Part 2

Hodaya asked: "Hello. I am approaching the age of 30 and still single. Although I believe everything is for the best, unfortunately, I feel that all my prayers and tears have been in vain, that I'm a lost case and perhaps I'll remain single forever... Each time I meet someone, I hope and expect it's the one, but then my heart breaks anew. Should I continue praying for a match? I would appreciate words of encouragement and good advice for my situation. Thank you in advance!"

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Hello Hodaya, following our previous discussions, it's essential to recognize the power of prayer in any circumstance, even when everything seems bleak and hopeless.

Your prayer is not in vain:

The Mishnah teaches that one should not pray a "prayer of vanity":

"One who cries over past events, this is a vain prayer. How so? If his wife is pregnant and he says, 'May it be Your will that my wife gives birth to a boy,' this is a vain prayer. If he was on the road and heard a cry in the city and said, 'May it be Your will that it is not from my household,' this is a vain prayer" (Berachot 9:3). Similarly, it is said about one who prays to increase his property after it has already been measured accurately (Maimonides, Laws of Blessings, Chapter 10, 24).

In other words, a vain prayer is one that contradicts reality, as Hashem acts in the world in accordance with natural laws unless we speak of the righteous of the world like Rabbi Chanina ben Dosa and Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai.

Despite your painful situation, your prayer is certainly not in vain. Many know and hear of women who married at an older age, in every situation and every kind. From all these cases, you must be strengthened to continue praying and believe that you too can merit salvation.

Indeed, the decree you received is not easy, as our sages said: "The pairing of a couple is as difficult as the splitting of the Sea of Reeds" (Genesis Rabbah, Parasha 68). Every successful match is a miracle from heaven. But this does not mean you should give up on prayer.

The Bible tells us about King Hezekiah, who was destined to die because of his sin: "In those days Hezekiah became deathly ill, and the prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, 'This is what Hashem says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover'" (2 Kings 20:1).

Hezekiah saw that he was sick and at death's door. The prophet Isaiah informed him of a divine death sentence issued by Hashem, in clear and unequivocal terms. Who among us would not despair when a prophet of Israel announces our heavenly decree?

But despite everything, Hezekiah said: "I have a tradition from my ancestor’s house, even if a sharp sword rests upon a person's neck, he should not despair of mercy" (Berachot 10a).

King Hezekiah, true to his name, strengthened himself to believe in the boundless power of the Creator of the world, knowing that even in his desperate state, it was worthy to pray, and that it was possible to escape a harsh decree. Rather than despair, he prayed for Hashem's salvation on his own, and shortly after, the prophet returned to inform him that because of his prayers, he would live another 15 years.

Through this story, Hashem taught us not to despair in any situation, as the prayer states: "Repentance, prayer, and charity remove the evil of the decree" (High Holy Days Machzor). Prayers can sweeten and even break the harshest decrees.

Therefore, do not despair of prayers. In moments of despair, tell yourself that through these prayers, you are fulfilling the will of your Heavenly Father. Consider it a mitzvah placed upon your soul as a spiritual remedy, the eternal reward for which is recorded in heaven to benefit you. Also, trust and believe that these prayers are recorded and preserved forever in your spiritual account in heaven, and because of them, Hashem eases your current sufferings and brings your future good closer.

Finally, some advice on matchmaking:

1. Consistent spiritual recharge:

Strive to regularly watch Torah lectures and classes, and look for regular Torah classes in your area. Hashem compares His words to the consumption of bread: "Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of Hashem" (Deuteronomy 8:3).

Just as a person needs to eat and drink every day, so too must he charge his spiritual battery every day to strengthen his faith and withstand life's trials.

2. Be positive and see the positive:

Try to see the positives in your life and recognize all the amazing and invaluable free gifts you have received, and appreciate them.

For example: the gift of sight, hearing, smell, and taste; the gift of hands and feet; the gift of parents; the gift of health, food, a roof over your head, friendships, and many other small gifts you've received throughout your life that you enjoy daily without much thought.

Most of us are blind to all the goodness surrounding us, which is certainly the majority in our lives, though it seems little since we are accustomed to living on the wings of eagles.

Break your habits and thank Hashem every day for His gifts, and get your heart and mouth used to thanking and praising Hashem for all His wonders. Through recognizing His goodness, you will grow stronger in believing that Hashem is essentially good, and His will is to benefit us, and any shortcoming in reality is only the absence and delay of the divine good, which certainly has a reason whose end is good.

If you find it difficult to see and appreciate all the goodness of Hashem, my advice for you is to start thanking flesh and blood, meaning recognize and appreciate what people do for you, the time they dedicate to you, such as your parents who raised you and care for your health, feed you and seek your welfare, or even strangers whose very existence and work directly or indirectly improve your quality of life. Make it a habit to say thank you, not weakly, but with understanding that without their goodness, your life would be hard and constrained.

Our sages said: "Anyone who denies the goodness of his friend ultimately denies the goodness of the Omnipresent" (Midrash Hagadol, Exodus 8), so the mitzvah of honoring parents is equated with honoring Hashem (Kiddushin 30b). After marriage, every person is obligated to the mitzvah "Love your neighbor as yourself," primarily towards their other half. And there is a special instruction for every husband: "The sages also commanded that a man should honor his wife more than his own body and love her as his own body" (Maimonides Laws of Marriage Chapter 15, 18). The trait of gratitude must be embedded in our soul.

As you become a positive and appreciative person, you will naturally come to thank, praise, and glorify Hashem, the source of all goodness. Furthermore, when you change your outlook on life and appreciate the many and wonderful gifts you have already received in your life, with Hashem's help, the gates of abundance will be opened to give you greater and better gifts according to your broad heart.

3. Effort in matchmaking:

King Solomon, the wisest of men said: "Rescue through an abundance of counselors" (Proverbs 11:14). Therefore, it is appropriate to seek good advice from rabbis and friends on how to improve both spiritually and materially, and see if there are traits you need to strengthen, such as honoring parents or charitable acts, dealing with pride, etc.

Regarding matchmaking, look for lectures and books offering guidance on the subject (for example, Rabbi Zamir Cohen's excellent lecture "The Art of Love"), and materially, such as personal grooming according to modesty guidelines, approaching additional matchmakers, and of course, the most important advice for older singles:

Be more open to suggestions from different styles and streams you haven't tried before, and above all, don't dismiss proposals just because of habit or laziness. Remember that among the millions of men in Israel, you only need to find one man suitable for you!

Many forget that matchmaking is not a factory where a person is ordered from a ready-made department. Every person is "a world in itself" (Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5), and each proposal should be taken with the seriousness it deserves.

However, to avoid unnecessary heartbreak, I suggest not going to meetings with unnecessary expectations. You are not a prophet and cannot know when your true match will arrive. We live in a world of falsehood that constantly deceives us and changes its appearance endlessly.

Therefore, change your mindset about matchmaking in advance, and view each meeting as a "small journey" that allows you to meet a new person and broaden your horizons, which brings you closer to your true match, and goodness will ultimately come. Try to flow and let life take its course without expectations.

In other words: don't be "heavy" and moody during meetings, as pessimism naturally repels others. If you like yourself, others will like you, as the wisest of men said: "As water reflects the face, so the heart of man reflects man" (Proverbs 27:19) - just as water reflects a person's face, emotions of a person are reflected in the heart of the other.

Hopefully, these tips will help you and support you during hard times. Continue praying for your match with faith, don't despair, and may it be His will that you find your match soon.