"We Got the Package From Its Toughest Place - Our Son Is Neither Alive Nor Dead"

For over 400 days since the outbreak of the war, Ayelet Smorano, mother of the kidnapped Yonatan Smorano, has felt she couldn't function due to stress and thoughts. In the last week, it has peaked, she says.

"I haven't slept a moment throughout the whole week," she notes, "I have real pressures in my chest and body, and real stress. Sometimes I retreat into myself and imagine: 'What will Yonatan look like, and under what circumstances will it happen? How will they unexpectedly call me from Tel Hashomer and update me 'Yonatan is in our hands'? The thoughts take me to better and worse places. These are days with immense pressure and terrible fear of what's coming. As the talks about the deal sound serious and seem to be progressing, the pressure grows. The fear and excitement flood me to an unbearable extent."

Ayelet Smorano with her son Yonatan

Neither Alive Nor Dead

For the Smorano family, it is not only the excitement of the potential release of Yonatan, with Hashem's help, very soon, but also the significant tension regarding the solution to a state of uncertainty that has been with them for more than a year.

"Yonatan's situation is unknown," his mother clarifies, "Although there was a committee that determined he was killed, upon investigating further, we understood that the committee had no strong basis. Therefore, we do not accept their determination."

Ayelet pauses for a moment and takes us back to that unforgettable morning on Simchat Torah: "Yonatan was at the Nova party with friends, and at 6:29 when the rockets and alarms began, they got in the car and headed home. They were the first or second car to leave the party area. When they reached the kibbutz area, they encountered a policeman who instructed them to find shelter from the rockets and not to proceed further, leading them to turn around and head to Kibbutz Be'eri, right when the terrorists arrived there.

"The terrorists shot at their car and then continued into the kibbutz. Only a couple of hours later, when the looters arrived, they dragged Yonatan and his friends from the car to the sidewalk, stole everything in the car, and took the car itself. A little while later, a white jeep with two terrorists abducted only Yonatan and left the others lifeless on the ground. This is how he was kidnapped to Gaza."

Ayelet mentions that they clarified to them that it would be impossible for Yonatan to be alive, as surviving for two hours was unlikely. Thus, his death was determined without actual proof from the field.

How did you learn the exact details of what happened to him?

"The details were provided by security officials who relied on videos and mainly the security cameras of the kibbutz that documented the kidnapping. But the video doesn't show where Yonatan was shot or his condition. Therefore, we are not willing to accept this determination of death because there is no certainty; it's all just a video, and we have heard many cases in the war where people were fatally injured and were assumed dead, but eventually recovered and rehabilitated."

When was the last time you spoke with Yonatan?

"The last time was the evening Yonatan went to the party when I dropped him off at the meeting point with his friends. In the morning, when the first alarm sounded, I tried to reach him, but he didn't answer the phone. However, a friend who was with him in the car spoke to his parents and told them they were on their way to Tel Aviv. Later, he said they were 'arriving at a shelter,' and that's what's so horrifying here because they mistakenly thought they were safe at Be'eri, only to encounter chaos and minutes after the call, they were shot at."

Simply Hoping

When Ayelet is asked to share what they have been through over the past year, she responds from the bottom of her heart: "We experienced great longing and immense sorrow. There are no words to express our feelings in light of the terrible uncertainty regarding our son's condition. Just think about being asked to mourn for a week without any definite proof. Our hearts are torn apart every day.

"In these days, when we feel grief and hope alternately, we constantly hear discussions about deals with catalogs of 'living' and 'dead,' and in my mind, I think: 'They're treating my son as a casualty while no one truly knows his condition.' It's like we received the package from its hardest point, where our son is both alive and dead. We are not mourning, but the hope isn't complete either. By the way, Yonatan isn't the only one in this state; I know of at least three other similar cases where the families aren't ready to accept the determination unless they see it."

And what are your daily life like? Have you returned to any kind of routine?

"I haven't returned to a normal routine at all, but I did return to work. Unlike most of the other parents, I insisted on going back to work because I felt the need to engage my mind. I knew if I only occupied myself with thoughts of Yonatan, I might collapse, and work provides a form of escape. But, of course, it's not a real routine, and I often find myself during the workday trying to hold myself together, not understanding why I'm even there, in the office, when my thoughts wander to Yonatan and focus solely on him. We think of him and hope for his return every moment—24 hours a day."

And what gives you strength in such an impossible situation?

"First of all, it's Yonatan himself. He is my son, the most precious thing in the world to me, and of course, I cannot let go of this. I must stand up, act, fight, and think every day anew of ideas that might help. Additionally, hope keeps and gives strength. I meet with many families of the kidnapped, and I see some parents experiencing and broadcasting only depression and pessimism. They have no hope; they only talk about the worst and see only darkness. In such situations, I say to myself: 'I'm lucky to have hope because, thanks to it, I see things differently, and even if I'm deluding myself and not realistic enough, it at least helps and gives me power in all this chaos.'

Furthermore, it appears that even with the people of Israel, there is support and hope. "I get the chance to speak in various places," notes Ayelet, "and after the talk, people always approach me, surround me, and always have support and kind words. At one of the last talks, someone approached me and stood aside without coming over. At some point, I approached him and asked: 'Are you waiting for me?' and he responded: 'It's okay; I just wanted to tell you that before the establishment of the state, there were also kidnapped individuals, and my grandfather was among them. It was said to my grandmother that he was no longer alive, and everyone mourned him. Then, he was returned, and they were surprised to see him walking on his feet. I can't describe how much strength this story gave me to keep believing and hoping.'

Like Our Forefather Jacob

In these days, Ayelet is moved by the thought of the upcoming Shabbat, Parashat Vayeshev, which is designated as "Shabbat for the Return of the Kidnapped" worldwide, under the theme "I Seek My Brothers."

This is an initiative by various organizations, including 'Hidabroot,' 'Kisufim,' 'Ayelet HaShachar,' and 'Tikvah Forum,' calling Jews in hundreds of communities in Israel and around the world to light a special candle on Friday night for the kidnapped, and to go out with the entire congregation for the 'Lecha Dodi' prayer to the city's main street, to recite the names of the kidnapped at the end of the prayer and strive to add as many prayers, Psalms, and good deeds in their merit as possible.

"I am not a religious person," Ayelet notes, "but personally, I connect especially with this week's Torah portion, which we will read on the upcoming Shabbat." She continues, "It tells of Joseph’s brothers who told their father that a wild animal devoured Joseph, but Jacob refused to mourn for his son because he believed Joseph was alive, just as I believe in our Yonatan. The continuation of the story, with Joseph being in Egypt, eerily resembles our story, with Yonatan and the other kidnapped individuals already over a year in Gaza. I so wish for ourselves a similar ending—a renewed meeting with Yonatan soon, and by the way, Yonatan's father is also named Jacob."

Personally, Ayelet wishes to use this platform to call upon as many people as possible in the Jewish nation to join this significant initiative: "Like many in the Jewish people, I feel this war broke out due to the chaos in the country and our inability to accept one another. I am sure that if we learn to accept, tolerate, and love, we will discover that everything is solvable, and there is no need to fight and hate. This is also why I am so moved to see the initiatives emanating from the religious community. Time and again, I see this community opening their hands and conveying the message: 'It's okay, be who you are and behave how you want, you are still our brothers.'

"This coming Shabbat, they will do it again, and this time in such an emotional way—when they leave the synagogue, thus conveying the message: 'We left the place so characteristic of us, and now we are all in one place—under the open sky, and we all have a prayer in our heart and soul.' I think even a non-believer, when confronted with such a gesture, cannot resist joining in. Because they are essentially asking for nothing—no yarmulke, no synagogue, no quorum—just stand, pray, and ask.' And may the prayers be answered willingly."

Download the File with the Names of the Kidnapped Here>>