It's Not Arrogant to Be Proud: What Makes People Boastful?

When we come across boastful people, it's hard to ignore their presence. They walk upright with a puffed-out chest, begin every sentence with "I," and make very effort to be visible to the public by exposing what they consider to be their contributions to society. At times they adopt the belief that the public is a sea of ignorance, and that fame, wisdom, and success belong only to them.

With time, their environment tends to distance itself from them because of the ostentation they exhibit, and due to the degradation others feel in their presence.

Healthy pride is the understanding that all my strengths and abilities are not mine, but gifts from Hashem, given to me so that I can fulfill the purpose for which I was created.

What truly drives the boastful to behave this way?

All our external interactions with our surroundings stem from our self-perception. These are cognitive mechanisms created without our intervention or knowledge, but they affect how we react or decide to act.

What does this mean? The person who appears on the outside to be full of themselves and looks down on others, internally feels unworthy, inadequate, and believes this is what others think of them too. To counter this thought, they must constantly showcase their actions, talents, and abilities.

The spiritual gap between the arrogant person and their Creator indicates that they haven't internalized the understanding that all the good they possess is a gift, not something they worked for. These gifts were given not for personal use, but for the benefit of others.

Their erroneous thinking prevents them from understanding and engaging in the purpose for which they were created, and consequently, Hashem cannot coexist with them.

The more arrogant a person is, the more they undervalue others, because their internal belief is that they are not worthy and they must therefore engage in comparisons to prove their value. Their disdain for others continuously feeds their sense of pride and arrogance so that they do not value others' opinions, are not attentive to others' needs or perspectives, and are perpetually self-centered.

Because their entire focus is on their surroundings, they become sensitive to all feedback, making them more vulnerable and fragile. As a result, they may find themselves not only isolated but also in deep emotional pain.

To replace the trait of arrogance with its counterpart (humility), the individual must build their inner self in a way that they compare themselves only to themselves, and recognize that their strengths and abilities are not their own. From this place, it becomes easy to communicate with one's surroundings and not live under the loneliness dictated by pride.

Humility creates inner resilience and psychological stability. The "I" within me cannot be hurt because there is no sense of ego. At the same time, there is recognition of my abilities and the internalization of the essential understanding that everything I have is not mine, but given to me for my mission.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A, is a certified therapist in NLP, mindfulness, and guided imagery.