How Will I Know He/She Is My Match?

Shalom and blessings,

I will quote the following article

The way to get to know someone for the purpose of marriage:

An experienced couples' advisor details five golden rules for assessing the chances of a successful and long-lasting marriage.

Rabbi Dov Heller

When it comes to deciding who will be our partner, it is crucial that we do not make a mistake. However, when the divorce rate is approaching fifty percent, it seems that many of us do make mistakes in searching for the right man or woman. Ask most engaged couples why they are getting married, and they will answer you, "We are in love." In my opinion, this is the number one mistake made by couples who are dating.

Choosing a life partner should not be based on love. Although this may sound strange, it is the plain truth. Love is not a basis for marriage. Love is a product of a good marriage. If all other components are right, love will come. In other words, you cannot build a long-term relationship solely on the basis of love. Much more is needed. Here are five questions we must ask ourselves in the genuine search for a life partner.

Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this important? Let's phrase it this way: twenty or thirty years of marriage is a long time. What do you plan to do with each other during that entire time? Traveling, dining out, and morning runs? You must share something deeper and more meaningful. A common life goal is needed. Two things can happen in marriage. You can grow together or each grow separately. Among fifty percent of couples, the growth is separate. For the marriage to succeed, it is essential to know what you want in life—bottom line—marrying someone who wants exactly the same thing.

Do I trust my partner enough to share feelings and thoughts with them? This question is at the very heart of your relationship. A sense of security means being able to communicate openly with your partner. The foundation of good communication is trust—trust that I will not be "punished" or harmed if I express my honest thoughts and feelings. One of my colleagues refers to a psychologically abusive person as someone with whom one is afraid to share feelings and thoughts. This question requires honesty. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you intend to marry. Are they a "human being"? A real human being is characterized by refinement and sensitivity. How can you tell? Here are several suggestions.

Is their personal growth based on stability? Do they have an interest in self-improvement? One of my teachers defines a "good" person as someone who always strives to be better and do the right thing. So try to answer the question—how does he/she manage their time? Is this a materialistic person? Usually, refinement is not a priority for a materialistic individual. There are two types of people in the world—those who are committed to personal growth and those who are committed to seeking comfort. When the goal is comfort, doing the right thing takes a backseat.

One must keep this in mind before walking down the aisle together. How do they treat other people? The most crucial element for the success of your relationship lies in the ability to give. Giving means providing pleasure to another. Check if this is a person who enjoys making others happy or if they are self-absorbed and only concerned with themselves? To know, you must examine how your partner treats service personnel, such as waiters, security guards, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they respect and appreciate them? If they do not appreciate those who have done everything for them, do not expect them to appreciate you—you will never be able to do as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak ill of others? A gossiping person cannot love others. Someone who does not know how to treat others with respect will not respect you either. Do I intend to change anything about this person after the wedding? Many people make the mistake of marrying with the intention of trying to improve their partner after marriage. As one of my colleagues states, "You can certainly expect a partner to change after marriage... for the worse!" If you cannot accept the person as they are right now, it means you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, being in a relationship is not necessarily a difficult or dangerous stage.

The solution is to try to work more with the head and less with the heart. Maximum objectivity toward your partner, along with asking the right questions that will help you address key issues, will illuminate your path to success. There is nothing like falling in love, but when one wakes up one day with a ring on their finger, it is better to know that you are not entangled due to lack of preparation. Courtesy to the Aish.com website