Honoring Your Parents in Jewish Thought

A Torah Commandment with Far-Reaching Impact

The mitzvah (commandment) of honoring one's father and mother (kibbud av va’em) is one of the Torah's positive commandments. Its importance is highlighted by the words of the Sages: “When a person honors their father and mother, Hashem says, ‘I consider it as though I have dwelled among them and they have honored Me.’”

The reward for this mitzvah is explicitly stated in Devarim (Deuteronomy): "Honor your father and your mother, as Hashem your God has commanded you, so that your days will be lengthened and it will be good for you upon the land that Hashem your God gives you." The Sages explain that this promise of longevity refers primarily to spiritual reward in the World to Come, though some interpretations suggest it also implies health and healing in this world.

The Tanna D’vei Eliyahu adds: “Whoever seeks long life, wealth, and blessing in this world, and endless life in the World to Come, should do the will of their Father in Heaven and their earthly parents.”

The Torah mentions this obligation in two separate commandments:

• "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:11)

• "Each person shall revere their mother and father" (Leviticus 19:3)

These are understood as two distinct commandments:

• Honor involves physical care, feeding, clothing, helping them walk, and assisting with daily needs, particularly in old age.

• Reverence entails respectful behavior, never contradicting them, sitting in their designated place, or speaking to them disrespectfully.

Honoring In-Laws: A Halachic and Emotional Responsibility

Jewish law emphasizes that the obligation to honor one's in-laws is real and meaningful, especially for a married woman. Her obligation to honor her husband's parents is part of her commitment to the marital relationship. In fact, halachically, the honor due to a husband’s parents is considered equivalent to, or even greater than, the honor given to her own parents.

Likewise, a husband is obligated to honor his wife's parents. While not always discussed openly, this mutual respect plays a vital role in building a peaceful, respectful home and fostering positive family dynamics.

Though challenges may arise, especially when balancing loyalty between families, the Torah encourages a respectful, thoughtful approach to all parental relationships, biological or in-law, recognizing them as foundational to healthy family and spiritual life.

Honor in Complex Relationships: Baalei Teshuvah and Parental Respect

In today’s world, the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is often misunderstood. Some people believe: “If my parents were good to me, I’ll honor them. But if not, I’m not obligated.” This mistaken approach has unfortunately spread across many communities.

Among baalei teshuvah (those who return to religious observance), this challenge can become even more pronounced. Some feel disconnected from their non-observant parents, thinking they’ve found truth in spite of their upbringing. This sometimes creates an atmosphere of judgment, which parents can sense, and leads to strained relationships.

Rashi comments on the verse: “Each person shall revere their mother and father, and you shall observe My Sabbaths” (Leviticus 19:3), and explains that honoring parents does not override Torah commandments. If one’s parents ask them to violate Shabbat or another mitzvah, they must not obey. Still, the vast majority of parent-child conflicts are not about halacha. In those cases, baalei teshuvah are fully obligated to respect their parents in all ways.

A baalat teshuvah once asked a rabbi, “How can I honor my secular parents who don’t observe Shabbat and are far from Torah values?” The rabbi replied: “Who brought you into this world and gave you the foundation for your search for truth and values?”
She answered, “My parents.”
The rabbi explained: “You didn’t begin a new chain when you became religious. You continued theirs. The values they gave you led you to where you are now. You may not agree with their lifestyle, but you must honor them, for it is because of them that you came to Torah, not despite them.”

Weeks later, the woman returned to share that her entire perspective had shifted. For the first time, she began to appreciate her parents and see them in a new light. Her mother immediately sensed the change, and their relationship began to heal.

Honoring Parents: A Path to Blessing and Light

At first glance, honoring one’s parents may seem like an easy or natural mitzvah. It’s universally accepted and emotionally intuitive. And yet, in practice, it's one of the most difficult mitzvot of all.

Rabbi Yochanan once said: “Fortunate is one who never saw their parents,” because it is so hard to meet the full standard of this mitzvah, and a person may be held accountable for falling short.

True respect requires a deep sense of humility and personal nullification. This level of devotion is not easy, but it’s powerful.

The Book of Mishlei (Proverbs) teaches: “One who curses their father or mother, his lamp will be extinguished in the blackest darkness.” The “lamp” symbolizes the soul, and its light represents Torah and mitzvot. Disrespecting parents, then, is like unplugging oneself from the spiritual source of energy. A person risks falling into darkness.

On the positive side, honoring parents brings extraordinary blessing. The Zohar compares the commandment “Let there be lights in the heavens” (the fifth utterance of creation) to the fifth commandment “Honor your father and mother.”  The Zohar explains: “Your father is like the sun, and your mother is like the moon. Whoever honors them, Hashem shines light upon them in this world and the next.”

The mitzvah of honoring parents is a cornerstone of Jewish life. It connects heaven and earth, past and future, and opens channels of blessing. Whether your parents are observant or not, whether your relationship is close or strained, the Torah calls upon each person to rise above ego and give honor where it is due.

Doing so doesn't only bring reward; it brings healing, wholeness, and Divine light into your life.