"I Sat Across from the Doctor and Couldn't Believe My Ears: 'I'm Sorry to Inform You That You Have Diabetes'"

It happened six months ago. I did routine blood tests and went for a follow-up with my family doctor, after all attempts to lose weight over the last decade had failed. The doctor held the pages in his hand, and his eyes darkened when he saw the line describing the sugar level in my blood. "350... I can't believe it. Do you know what this means?" he exclaimed.

Honestly, I didn't know.

I am a healthy person overall, never suffered (thank Hashem) any chronic illness and do not intend to suffer, if you ask me. In short, dealing with illnesses is not my "thing." I'm here to live life to the fullest, and part of that, I admit awkwardly, is eating. I've always loved to eat, and there's no reason for that to change now, I thought.

So sure, here and there I hated myself for overeating (which often stemmed from unresolved emotional states within me), but most of the time it just didn't occupy me. I lived life as I understood it and let time do its thing.

Except today, I somewhat regret...

What I didn't agree to achieve easily, now I must achieve out of necessity – and the difficulty is unbearable.

If once I could devour slices of bread without stopping (even whole types of bread included), and right after enjoy a slice of cake and coffee despite already being full – today I have to adapt to a new regime. A regime I didn't ask to be under, yet it surrounds me from every side and threatens that if I don't adhere to the new rules, the diabetes will worsen. And that, clearly, I do not want.

"That's it. From now on you can't keep fooling yourself," the doctor said before I left his office, confused and not really knowing how to proceed. I had many questions, but none that anyone, apart from myself, could answer.

For example, why didn't I start this work years before?! Why can't I put an end to this abhorrent self-indulgence, which I regret every time anew? Why am I unable to set a boundary before my cravings, right before their tsunami destroys every good part within me? W-h-y?

I knew within the harsh news was great salvation I had waited for years

I left the doctor's office with tears welling in my eyes. The patients outside probably thought something terrible had happened, but deep inside – beyond the darkness of the illness everyone fears – I knew something no one else could know. No one could guess. I knew within the harsh news was great salvation I had waited for years.

And believe me, those not in my shoes won't understand this.

Because really, how can you understand what I'll say now, without standing in my place? Without experiencing my hardships? Without living, even for a tiny moment, within a full and indulgent body (and not just out of pleasure)? How can you come to terms with my thoughts – that clear mind whispering in my ears ever since: "The time of redemption has arrived"?

And yet, I can't help but share it with you. I can't help but share this excitement that's seized me, and the prayer I murmured during those moments when no one could truly hear: "Father, please make my stomach reduction surgery approved."

(Photo: shutterstock)

Yes, I already know what you think about it. And no, I'm not going to try to convince you it's the best thing for me. I likely cannot contend with the vast knowledge based on scientific arguments you will present before me about the terrible mistake I stand to make.

But before you shower me with cold or boil over me with heat – I want to tell you something: even before the diabetes, I wasn't at peace with myself. My overweight always disturbed me, and I always tried to find ways to shed it. What didn't I try? Countless diet methods promising wonders and miracles. No, they didn't lie. It's very possible it worked for others. I'm happy for those who managed to crack the code of overcoming cravings and refrained from touching another slice of cake or another tempting dish. For me, it was always a bloody battle.

And now also a sugary one.

So to tell you that I can fight on another front, even before finishing the war on one? That I cannot. I love to eat, and I have no control over it – period. If it's kosher according to halacha, there's no obstacle in my view.

"I knew every word could be used against me on the operating table – so I kept silent"

"And that's exactly your problem; you don't know how to stop," the surgeon told me this week when I sat for a consultation with him (despite the fear it would take forever, the tests went much faster than I thought).

"That applies to every aspect of my life, doctor," I tried to laugh and soon realized humor was far from him. "If you can't put a boundary, I will have to place it," he laid the cards on the table, with a serious look in his eyes.

When I heard those words, my heart nearly burst with happiness. "Please, doctor, if you do it, just deliver me from my torments," I almost told him, but I held back. I knew that in this position, every unnecessary word I said could be used against me on the operating table. So I was silent.

But inside – the currents murmured, stormed, rumbled, and spoke without saying words. From here, I thought, there is no way back. I want this surgery more than marriage (even though I've been waiting for my match for 14 years).

Because you see, a woman's connection to her body is part of her connection to everything around her, everything enveloping her, and everyone within her. If there is a short-circuit in this connection, no matter what you offer her – a match, beautiful clothes, righteous children, a nice home, jewelry, trips, and every blessing under heaven – she won't feel truly happy.

She might tell herself she is, but she's not. Not really.

Because true happiness is achieved first of all from within, from self-love for all my parts' totality. That's what completes, reconciles, and perfects the whole. And without it, how can I even ask for love from anyone? How can I ask for a husband, if I have yet to become a wife? To a friend – Y-H.

So true, no one is waiting more eagerly for this salvation than I am, and there's no stone I haven't turned looking for it – except one stone. The stone of my heart, which sought external love before learning to love the inner being it resides in, the body that serves it and protects it.

When the mind separates from the mind, forcing me to live in "temporary insanity"

So what is it like to love me, as I am today?

It's very simple. It's looking at diabetes and telling it: "We will get through this together. We will not succumb to the strange and frightening days, pushing us to the edge and threatening us with high glucose numbers in the blood. I am with you, and I know you don't really intend to harm me. You don't really mean to starve me when I need food every two hours – but I hold back because it's forbidden.

"You don't really mean to make me sluggish and heavy, because of the pills I take to aid you in the breakdown work, which I know is very hard for you.

"You don't really mean to make me irritating and irritable when my sugar levels rise. You don't really mean to hover around me with drums and cymbals and deafen my ears with monotonous sounds I've heard dozens of times before – when I become apathetic and want to nap a little. You don't really mean to disturb my (good?) life routine before you came, or at least that's how I manage to see now.

"It hurts me to see you like this. So not you, so not me. It hurts to explain over and over why I get tired quickly, why the flickering letters on the screen sometimes seem like a monstrous beast about to defeat me, and why sometimes it happens that the mind separates from the mind, forcing me to live in 'temporary insanity.' It can happen for moments, even a fraction of a second – but it's still unbearably painful to experience, and humiliating to the dust to try to explain it."