How Can We Reduce the Psychological Need for Perfectionism?

In many instances, perfectionists can ease their stress by carefully reexamining the information they already have and gathering additional data that will allow them to more accurately assess the true level of threat or risk involved in a given situation.

Consider for example, parents who have caught their child lying a few times. In their minds, someone who has lied once- and for whom the truth is not a sacred value- has a high likelihood of becoming a habitual liar or even a criminal in the future. Let's take a step back and examine the assumptions of these parents more rationally.

Is the conclusion that their child will grow up to be a pathological liar or criminal guaranteed to be true? Most likely, the answer is no.

Often children lie simply because they’ve discovered it’s a temporary way to “get by,” without intending to adopt lying as a lifestyle. A sociable child quickly learns that frequent lying can damage their social standing and cost them friends. They may even experience guilt after lying, which helps prevent it from becoming a repeated pattern.

If those parents look further back into their own childhood, it’s quite likely they’ll remember that they too lied sometimes, and yet, it didn’t turn them into habitual liars or dishonest adults.

We don't appreciate lies, especially not from our children. But it’s important to view the situation through a rational lens and understand that the occasional concealment of the truth is far from the same as a pathological pattern of lying. In many cases, lying in children is simply a way to test boundaries, and not a way of life.

A more thorough and level-headed review of the facts can broaden the possible interpretations rather than locking into a single rigid conclusion. This can help parents assess whether their child’s lie reflects a recurring pattern that should raise concerns about the future, or if it’s just an isolated, negative event that, while it may warrant a response, certainly doesn’t justify an overreaction.

Of course, it’s much easier to examine the facts calmly after the event, not in the moment of stress when the lie is discovered. But even that later analysis can help parents respond more reasonably, without mixing in exaggerated fears about long-term consequences.

In other situations, when we feel that our response to a certain event is too extreme- driven by a perfectionist mindset that views any deviation from the ideal as a slippery slope to disaster- we can ask ourselves several clarifying questions:

• Is the incident truly that bad?

• What are the worst consequences that may realistically result?

• Is this a one-time occurrence or something more chronic?

• Can the consequences be dealt with?

The more we can expand the information at our disposal, the more we can avoid rigid and perfectionistic thinking that stems from drawing sweeping conclusions based on limited facts.

Reducing Perfection

Another tool for dealing with perfectionism is something we could call “shrinking perfection.”

Many perfectionists are simply unwilling to accept anything less than “the best.” They can’t tolerate functioning imperfectly, achieving less-than-perfect results, or reaching goals that fall short of their highest expectations.

What if they were to ask themselves directly: "What level of imperfection am I willing to tolerate?"

That single question might help them make a conscious decision to accept slightly less than absolute perfection. While their natural tendency may still push them toward impossible standards, a rational mindset can help reduce those demands and allow for a healthier margin of imperfection.

Even a small shift in expectations- perhaps moving from 100% to 95%- can make a meaningful difference. A little flexibility and willingness to accept “good enough” can go a long way in making perfectionist demands less intimidating for themselves and for others.

When perfectionists define for themselves what degree of deviation from perfection they can live with, they slowly break free from the “all or nothing” trap. Over time, they come to accept that imperfect results or efforts still have considerable value.

The Experiential Side

So far, we’ve discussed rational strategies for addressing the root of perfectionism. In many cases however, it’s more effective to stop focusing on the root causes and instead address whatever is currently keeping the perfectionism in place.

It might be that the perfectionist tendency began long ago, in early childhood, when the person received the message that love or approval was conditional on perfect performance. Even if that’s true, the deeper question is: What is keeping that mindset alive today?

A perfectionist may express this mindset in two extremes:

• By obsessively overworking to achieve perfect outcomes.

• By avoiding tasks altogether to escape the emotional toll of failing to meet their own standards.

Either way, perfectionism prevents the individual from experiencing anything less than the best. Even when they recognize that their standards interfere with daily life, such as refusing to start work until the desk is perfectly organized, or needing the house to be spotless before going to bed, they resist change.

They’ve never allowed themselves to function imperfectly to see what really happens when they let some things go. It's possible that if they did, they’d realize the experience isn’t nearly as bad as they feared.

A person may believe that hosting guests requires a flawless evening, which leads to stress and over-preparation. If they allowed themselves to host once without the pressure to be perfect, they might discover a much more relaxed, enjoyable evening for both themselves and their guests.

Theoretically, this sounds great- but in practice, they may feel so anxious from lowering their standards that they may be unable to enjoy the evening at all. They’ll obsess over every “flaw,” doubt the authenticity of their guests’ smiles, and walk away with a reinforced belief that anything less than perfect is a disaster.

On the one hand, positive experiences with imperfect efforts could teach the perfectionist that it’s safe to loosen up. However, their emotional reaction to imperfection blocks them from ever having those experiences in the first place.

What’s the solution? Stay tuned for the next article.