There Is No Such Thing as Despair!

In a previous article, we discussed the ways in which guilt is unproductive. This of course does not mean that when a person acts out of line or makes a mistake, they should feel good about it. Rather, when a person behaves inappropriately and experiences a negative emotion, that feeling can be a valuable opportunity for change. The inner discomfort can help the person identify the harmful behavior that caused it, and begin seeking a better path.

Even though our intellect can often identify our failures, reality proves that logic alone has a limited influence on our actions. A negative emotional experience however, such as the unpleasant feeling after failure, can serve as a strong reminder that helps us think twice before repeating the same mistake.

The question isn’t whether feeling failure is inherently good or bad, but rather, what is the proper balance? How much of that feeling should we allow, so that it serves us and leads to growth, instead of dragging us deeper into a place of despair and self-doubt?

Knowing When to Stop

Although many people intellectually understand that wallowing in guilt is unhelpful, this understanding doesn’t always hold up in real-time. It’s easy to understand before falling into that emotional pit, but after you’ve entered the cycle of guilt, it’s much harder to get out.

A person overwhelmed with excessive guilt is unable to be the “strong” version of themselves who can set boundaries around their feelings. They may find themselves slipping into darker and more difficult emotional states and losing control over the situation. Guilt can become like an open pit- easy to avoid when you’re standing far from the edge, but once you begin sliding down, it’s no simple task to stop.

Once a person reaches a state of helplessness- believing that they cannot change or that their mistakes are too great to be repaired- they begin to look for evidence to support that belief.

The Kotzker Rebbe explains: The Torah says, “Do not stray after your heart and after your eyes.” At first glance, this seems out of order. Shouldn’t it say, “Do not stray after your eyes, and then your heart”? After all, the eyes are the agents of desire because they present things to the heart. Why mention the heart first?

Because, explains the Rebbe, the heart is what chooses what to look at. The heart decides, and then the eyes follow.

The same applies here: the heart decides, “I’m not worthy,” and then the mind- the intellectual “eyes”- begin searching for proof of it's truth. A person can build an entire “logical system” to justify despair, living within a prison of their own thoughts. As the saying goes: "A person doesn’t die from what they eat, but from what eats them."

Don’t Despair!

First and foremost, when we find ourselves stuck in a state of helplessness or deep despair, we must stop and remind ourselves that "there is no such thing as despair!" There is always a way to repair and improve, because G-d has given us the tools to turn darkness into light.

There’s a beautiful saying: “Don’t tell G-d how big your problems are- tell your problems how big your G-d is.”

It’s true, we may have made mistakes, failed, or taken a wrong path. But what has happened until now does not dictate what will happen from now on. Even if up until today we haven’t been the person we wanted or could be, that doesn’t mean we can’t become that person tomorrow. In a single moment, everything can change. We can begin a new path that leads us to the summit of joy.

Despair doesn’t exist in the world- it exists only in the heart of the person, and it’s one of the tools the evil inclination uses to weaken us.

Even "Acher" Could Have Returned

Rabbi Dessler, in his book Michtav Me’Eliyahu, shares a powerful insight from the holy Baal Shem Tov that illustrates this point.

The Talmud in Tractate Chagigah (15a) tells of Elisha ben Avuyah- also known as “Acher” (“the other one”)- the former teacher of Rabbi Meir who strayed far from the Torah. He once heard a heavenly voice call out: “Return, wayward children- except for Acher.”

How could it be, asks Rabbi Dessler, that Acher- a man who had fallen so far- was the one to hear a divine voice? And why would a heavenly voice say he can’t repent? Repentance is a foundation of the Torah! A person can return even from the deepest place, even moments before death! Why would the path of return be closed specifically for Acher?

The Baal Shem Tov explains: Acher didn’t really hear a heavenly voice. He heard the voice of his own heart. He had become so convinced that he was beyond hope- that there was no path back for him- that he believed this was the voice of Heaven. In truth however, it was his own imagination expressing the overwhelming despair he felt inside.

He didn’t want to repent, and so he believed the “voice” he heard- or rather, the one he wanted to hear.

Rabbi Meir Never Gave Up

The Talmud there goes on to show that Rabbi Meir, Acher’s student, never gave up on him. Even after Acher told him about the voice he “heard,” Rabbi Meir didn’t accept it. He understood that this voice wasn’t from Heaven and that it was the sound of despair rising from within his teacher’s own heart. Rabbi Meir knew the ultimate truth: "There is no such thing as despair!" Every person, in every situation, can always change and begin again.