When Money Becomes a Weapon: The Hidden Control of Narcissistic Relationships

In previous articles, we discussed various behavioral patterns that characterize men and women with narcissistic tendencies.
There is still so much more to discuss on this topic, because a lack of empathy for others and an absence of self-awareness present in nearly every aspect of interacting with such individuals.

That said, I feel that it is important to touch on the topic of money because money is a very basic and essential necessity to survive.

Due to their compulsive need to control others and their environment, narcissists often treat money as a mechanism for controlling people. You're likely familiar with the phrase "Whoever has the money makes the rules." Narcissists live by this religiously.

Many narcissists are skilled at making money. They may be shrewd businesspeople and successful managers and in many workplaces, they aren’t fired because they bring in profits. If they're self-employed, their business partners may continue working with them- even if they are difficult- simply because of the financial gain.

As money is also a form of power, and due to their lack of empathy and tendency to exploit others, narcissists wield that power for their own benefit.

Common Behaviors Among People With Narcissistic Traits

Narcissists seek emotional “nourishment” from others, and to obtain it, they often use manipulation. One such method is material temptation or bribery where they may offer material benefits in exchange for attention.

For example, during the "love bombing" phase (see the article on manipulation), they appear extremely generous. They’ll spend money, buy you gifts, impress you with grand acts of giving- a new kitchen, expensive clothes or jewelry. But with time, the control tactics begin.

From their perspective, they’re investing in the “product” that feeds them- you. They’ll begin calling you obsessively: “Where are you?” “What are you doing now?” “Who are you with?” You may get ten calls in a row, supposedly because they “missed you.” But this is their way to stay in control.

With time, the gifts may become more significant, such as an investment in your business, a car, or even a house. But their true interest is to receive something in return: your independence and personal freedom.

It's common for partners to interpret this as affection that's uniquely for you. The financial investment seems like proof of your value, and how much they love and care about you. You may feel excited and even thrilled especially if no person has ever invested in you this way. Things may still seem sweet on the surface, but subtle restrictions begin to emerge and the control tightens.

The apartment? It’s not really under your name. There may be requests to reduce your work hours, or quit your job altogether. “Why work so hard? Stay home. Let me take care of you. Be a queen.” In the narcissistic dynamic however, this behavior is a red flag. You'll hear grand statements like, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything.” But then you may discover that your credit card is only valid for a “household account” with a fixed monthly deposit controlled by the narcissist.

It may be difficult to realize how slowly and subtly the control is tightening. As long as everything flows smoothly, you may not notice- but what happens when life throws an unexpected challenge your way?

That’s when the narcissistic rage shows up- eruptions, power plays, and financial punishment. Suddenly, you face restrictions and revenge.

You can never truly please a narcissist or fulfill their expectations. Before long, you find yourself trapped in a golden cage, or maybe a copper or tin one, depending on the intensity of their narcissism.

The same pattern can apply to narcissistic parents. They raise their children not to be financially independent, but to be crippled by fears and doubts about their ability to earn a living.

In a healthy relationship, parents don’t attach strings to financial support. They give from love, without demanding control over their children’s lives. But narcissistic parents use money to control their grown children’s lives. They may say, “We invested so much in you, now it’s time for you to act how we want", or in some cases they even threaten, “We’ll take you out of the will".

Narcissistic parents struggle when their children break free emotionally or financially, and begin to build their own homes with their partners. They struggle to be happy for them when they’re no longer under their control.

In normal relationships, even difficult ones, parents or spouses don’t isolate people or create such dependencies. Healthy parents raise children with the belief that they can live independently, support themselves, and build meaningful homes. Healthy partners trust each other and share financial access freely.

When dealing with someone exhibiting these patterns, be cautious of grand gestures and sweeping declarations. Remain skeptical and investigate thoroughly.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule- but most narcissists function this way, even if they don’t actually have much money. They may still live in the delusion that they could be financially powerful if only they wanted to.

Dr. Ada Michal Weinstein is a certified psychodrama therapist specializing in narcissism, working, among other things, with victims of narcissists.