The Paralysis of Indecision

Many people struggle to make decisions and consequently, they avoid taking action.

In matchmaking fo example, a person may do all the necessary research and find no compelling reason not to move forward but because they fear making a mistake, they will be unable to make a decision.

Even when there appears to be compatibility, there are of course many factors that cannot be assessed in advance, and many others that will only emerge later in the relationship. However, individuals who don’t struggle with excessive hesitation will make a responsible decision based on the information currently available. The hesitant person however is unable to do that- he becomes overwhelmed with further questions and doubts.

This person is also unable to reject the idea, because that too is a decision! How is it possible to know if a better option may present itself in the future? The indecisive person leaves the matter unresolved indefinitely, until reality makes the decision for him.

If this person eventually does get married, the doubts don't leave. Even after decades of marriage, unresolved doubt may still linger in the background, casting a shadow over his marital peace.

There Are No Perfect Choices

A person who marries has the ability to relate to his choice in the past tense, as a completed reality. He can tell himself, “This was the best choice for me,” and from there, he can focus solely on improving the relationship: learning to care more about his spouse’s well-being, deepening the bond, and so on. If he chooses this path, his life will indeed be as the verse says: “He who found a wife has found good.”

On the other hand, a person can choose to remain in a present-tense mindset. He may continue to evaluate his decision, wrestle with doubts, feel frustration, and regret his choice at different times. He never fully embraces the sweetness and stability of the relationship.

The ability to make a decision, to stand behind it, and to be resolute in commitment carries tremendous weight in determining a person's happiness, especially in marriage.

Every match (like any decision in life) comes with pros and cons. A person who is not overly hesitant can assign proper weight to each side and, based on the overall balance, make a thought-out decision. The hesitant person, however, cannot give each side appropriate weight- he sees only a chaotic swirl of conflicting factors, which paralyze him and make it impossible to reach a conclusion.

Hesitation is often rooted in perfectionism- the pursuit of an ideal choice. A perfectionist cannot accept any decision that’s less than perfect. Because “perfect” options are exceedingly rare, he simply avoids choosing at all. He may claim to be objective and analytical, blaming the ambiguity of life’s circumstances, but he fails to see that his situation is not unique- everyone else also faces unclear situations, yet they manage to make sound decisions.

Returning to our matchmaking example- if the person suffers from perfectionism, he won’t be able to move forward with a match if there’s even a small flaw- and every match has some imperfections. He will delay the decision simply because he is unable to weigh the pros and cons rationally.

Decision Anxiety

Hesitation can also stem from obsessive tendencies or intrusive, repetitive thoughts. Someone with this trait is unable to stop the pre-decision evaluation process. There are endless questions and investigation, until the decision is no longer relevant.

The root cause of chronic, destructive indecision is often anxiety. This person draws their sense of security from the routine of community, city, study group, job, etc. For someone with intense anxiety, any change to the status quo is a source of dread, and they will therefore do everything possible to avoid change so that they won’t need to alter their current, comforting routine.

This person may believe that their questions are valid and their investigations are necessary. But unknowingly, they cross the line into paralyzing hesitation, which prevents them from making any meaningful life decisions.

Hesitation can also stem from low self-esteem, where a person doesn’t believe that they are capable of making wise decisions. Because they fear the moment of decision, they prefer to keep things in limbo until circumstances or someone else makes the choice for them.

Struggling with depression, anxiety, or low mental state? Reach out to the "My Soul Asks" department at Hidabrut for advice at 073-3333331 or email sarap@htv.co.il