The Art of Listening: From Assumptions to Understanding

When a person wants to speak to us about a sensitive topic- especially one we already have strong opinions and emotions about- it’s important to notice what’s going on in our minds. Our defenses go up immediately, and we might hear ourselves think:
“He always says the same things,”
“He’s exaggerating,”
“He’s so stubborn,”
“He’s blowing things out of proportion,”
“He’s too sensitive,”
“He just can’t let go,”
...and the list goes on.

All of these thoughts send a clear message that we are not open to listening. A person who listens is someone who is genuinely curious about what the other has to say. When we have preconceived notions, there is no space for curiosity and listening.

A Story to Illustrate

Imagine a little child waking up crying in the middle of the night. He tells his parents that he had a dream where he was all alone in a strange, scary place. The whole family was gone, and he was searching for them but couldn’t find anyone.

The parents listen and immediately hear two voices: the child's voice, and their own internal voice. That inner voice tells them, “He’s a middle child. He must feel neglected and isolated. We need to show him he’s loved, that he matters, that we’ll never forget him.”

They hug him tight and say: “We love you so much and we always think about you. We would never leave you.”

These are clearly caring, attentive parents, and their words are heartfelt and important, but they may not be helpful. Why? Because they rushed to draw a conclusion based on their assumptions. It’s possible the child’s real issue isn’t about his family at all, but something that may have happened with his classmates.

Because of their preconceived ideas, they didn’t really hear what their child was trying to communicate. They responded to their own interpretation of the situation, instead of the actual reality.

The Danger of Preconceptions

A person with preconceived opinions listens through the filter of “I already know.” The parents believe they understand their child’s problem, and therefore everything he says is interpreted through their lens. They don’t truly hear his message.

If they were genuinely curious, they would’ve asked follow-up questions:

• “How do you feel about your friends?”

• “What about your siblings?”

• “Can you tell me the dream again?”

• “How did you feel when you woke up?”

Instead of assuming, they would have explored the situation more deeply. Parents often rush to solutions because they want their child to calm down quickly, however at times this prevents them from seeing the fuller picture.

True listening doesn’t mean “I’ll listen so I can give an answer", but rather “I’ll listen to know- and maybe I won’t have an answer at all.”
Listening is not about the response, but about connection.

What Do You Gain by Mastering the Art of Listening?

• Deeper relationships – Real listening creates cooperation and connection. Without it, people live alongside each other without truly relating.

• Giving others hope – When someone feels truly heard, they begin to feel that their problem can be solved. Listening gives hope, which is the foundation of all effort. It tells the speaker: “We can figure this out together.”

Can You Learn to Listen, or Is It Inborn?

We’re born with the ability to listen, but many of us lose it over time. The good news is that we can absolutely relearn it.

To cultivate listening:

1. Use open body language – Sit in a relaxed, open posture. Nod occasionally. Smile, even if it feels forced- eventually, it becomes genuine. “The heart is drawn after the actions.”

2. Summarize – Let the speaker know you’re with them. Reflect back what you’ve heard by repeating the main points briefly.

3. Ask questions – Questions show curiosity. Prefer open-ended ones that expand the conversation, not simple yes/no questions.

4. Don’t give advice (yet) – Advice is wonderful (“The wise listen to advice,” Proverbs 12), but it should follow, not replace, listening. To be understood, first seek to understand.

5. Detach from your own agenda – Let go, temporarily, of your worldview and opinions. Listening is about their world, not yours.

What Listening Is Not

• Planning your reply while the other person is still talking.

• Subtly judging what they’re saying.

• Jumping in with advice or correction.

People can tell when you’re not really listening because it shows in your body language, your facial expressions, and your energy.

Take a cue from the Ohr HaChaim on Parshat Shoftim: A judge, he writes, must not form any conclusion at all while the parties are speaking. He must listen with openness and curiosity until they finish speaking completely, and only then can he begin forming a judgment. This is a model of true listening.

If the goal is simply to “win” or dominate the other person, then listening is unnecessary. But if we want to live together, build understanding, and move forward together, the art of listening is absolutely essential.

Listening does not mean agreeing. It means understanding and seeing how the other person views the issue and their reasoning. From a place of mutual understanding, true compromise becomes possible.