When Kindness Hurts: The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing: First Article in a Series

In the books of Chassidut, much is written about “bitul ha-yesh”- the self-nullification of ego which describes a spiritual level where a person is entirely devoted to serving G-d. This should not be confused with a person who has a people-pleasing personality, who is willing to sacrifice themselves entirely for others without accounting for their own needs.

People pleasers don't know how to set boundaries, and place everyone else’s needs at the center, striving for the approval of others and living in constant fear of disappointing them.

They may give up their time for others without reserving any for themselves and may fulfill every request asked of them- at the expense of work or family- and say “yes” when deep down they want to scream “no!” These are examples of someone whose top priority is pleasing others, even at the cost of their basic well-being, and without stopping to consider whether they should agree or decline.

In more extreme cases, they suppress their own desires altogether so they won’t interfere with their mission to constantly serve others. They fear that if they acknowledge their own feelings or needs, they’ll no longer be able to ignore them and may need to say no. Instead, they erase their inner world in order to accommodate those around them.

This type of person is often highly sensitive and deeply caring. They understand others so well that even when they’re being mistreated, they continue to give second, third, and fourth chances.

While forgiveness and generosity are vital to human relationships, as the saying goes, “Respect him- and suspect him". Even if you’ve forgiven someone, it doesn’t mean you should blindly ignore future risks. Forgiveness doesn’t require putting yourself in harm’s way again.

For example. if someone once betrayed your trust and shared a secret you asked them not to, you might forgive them. Moving forward, you’d be wise not to share sensitive information with them again.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past. You can move forward without carrying the weight of resentment, but you still need to recognize where your vulnerabilities lie so they aren’t used against you again.

Misguided Perception

The people-pleaser repeatedly allows themselves to be hurt, overly focused on understanding why others act the way they do, while forgetting to protect themselves.

They have difficulty identifying someone else as “harmful,” even when the pattern is obvious and as a result, they fail to recognize abusive or exploitative behavior in their relationships.

Often, the people-pleasing personality stems from a lack of self-worth. When a person doesn’t feel valuable, they fear that if they set boundaries, they’ll be abandoned, and if they give, others will see their worth and stay.

Unfortunately however, the opposite is often true. Not only does this behavior fail to earn respect, but it can actually provoke contempt and exploitation. This is because constantly giving up your own needs sends a message: “I’m less worthy than others, so their needs come before mine.” People then tend to adopt that view of the individual themselves.

Also, people are less inhibited about hurting someone who won’t push back. If someone knows you won’t react to being disrespected, they’re far more likely to disrespect you.

The people-pleaser lives with the illusion that their kindness and understanding will win them love, appreciation, and connection. People may indeed admire them, praise them, or say kind things about them, but they might also take advantage of them. The people-pleaser teaches others that they’re always available, no matter what.

At times, the root of this pattern is a deep craving for connection. Relationships are generally a two-way exchange of needs, whereas for the people-pleaser, relationships are the goal itself. Even if the connection is one-sided, draining, or harmful, they’ll stay in it just to feel valued.

They believe they’re not “enough” on their own, and they evaluate their self-worth based on social acceptance. For this reason, they will do anything to belong, no matter who the other person is or how they treat them. Because to them, being liked means being worthy- and this is not something they’re willing to give up.