The Trap of the Past: Letting Go to Grow

In the Talmud (Chagigah 15b), there's a story about "Acher" (Elisha ben Avuyah), who was riding a horse on Shabbat while Rabbi Meir walked behind him. Acher said, "Meir, turn back. I have calculated by the steps of my horse that we’ve reached the limit of the Shabbat boundary." Rabbi Meir replied, "You too, turn back." Acher responded, "Haven’t I already told you? I once heard from behind the heavenly curtain: 'Return, wayward children- except for Acher.'"

Rabbi Dessler zt”l, quoting the Baal Shem Tov (in Michtav Me’Eliyahu, vol. 2), explains that it is inconceivable that a heavenly voice would announce that repentance is impossible. How could Acher claim to have heard such a thing?

He didn’t hear it. He thought he heard it. Or perhaps he wanted to hear it, to free himself from the burden of responsibility. In reality however, he certainly didn’t hear it. He was simply despairing of the possibility of repentance, and in order to quiet his conscience and guilt, he convinced himself that he heard something that exempted him. Heaven never declares that someone cannot repent. The past certainly holds value- but only inasmuch as it helps us improve our present. If the past no longer serves the present or future, it loses its positive role and becomes unhelpful.

The best moment in all of history is the present, because it is the only time we can truly live, choose, act, create, and grow.

Often, being stuck in the past stems from guilt over past actions or mistakes. In other cases, it’s anger toward oneself for having made those mistakes. Either way, a person who dwells in the residues of the past doesn’t truly believe he deserves a better future. In his view, past mistakes determine that he must continue on the same path.

With such a mindset, he won’t try to change the direction of his life, and as a result, he is unable to grow or progress. He becomes a prisoner behind walls of a jail he built himself.

Looking Ahead

In some situations, a person is simply afraid of creating a new and better future and he therefore chooses to stay stuck in the past, which gives him the excuse of helplessness regarding the future. When someone sees the future as nothing more than the inevitable outcome of the past, he absolves himself of responsibility for what comes next, and avoids the need to face life with effort and courage.

This attitude fixes the past in place and locks it into the future, leaving no room for change. In essence, his future becomes just more of his past. He remains a “victim,” burdened by events that already ended long ago.

In a certain way, this person grants himself a “pass” on life. He’s exempt from effort or investment, because in his eyes, he’s already lost. He remains the “unfortunate one” because of his difficult past, whether or not it was his fault. Without judging the depth of his suffering or minimizing his pain, we must acknowledge that sometimes a person benefits- consciously or not- from not taking responsibility, allowing himself to surrender to the natural laziness found in all people.

It’s easy for someone to imagine, “If only I had chosen a different profession, joined a different community, moved to a different city…” All these “what ifs” focused on the past make the present seem like a failure. This kind of thinking is a fast track to frustration and trains the person to feel hopeless, rather than someone who builds hope and courage by putting effort into improving life now.

Focusing on how things "could have been better" is simply a way to avoid responsibility for the present and future, and it prevents the possibility of real growth or change.

Using the Past as a Springboard

That said, not all engagement with the past is harmful. There’s nothing wrong with reminiscing about good times or even imagining how the future might have looked if the past had gone differently. But this is only healthy when the past serves as a springboard and a source of inspiration and hope for a better future.

If a person takes a short break to reflect fondly on better days, and draws from it emotional strength to face today’s challenges, this is perfectly reasonable. However, if the nostalgia doesn’t lead to action or growth, and instead leaves the person feeling helpless about the future, it becomes harmful stagnation.

Where we choose to place our mental focus is the most powerful tool we have for living a good and meaningful life.