Living Beyond the Stress: Letting Go of What Hasn't Happened Yet

Stress arises when a person perceives circumstances as being outside their control. Often, an event that seems uncontrollable is in fact influenced by the individual- they simply don’t know how to manage it properly.

Stress is known to contribute to various illnesses. Rabbeinu Bechaye, commenting on the verse in Proverbs (10:27) “The fear of the Lord adds days, but the years of the wicked are shortened,” explains that the wicked, who lack trust in G-d, suffer from worries that lead to sickness and shortened life. As the saying goes, “Man doesn’t die from what he eats- but from what eats at him.”

A person suffering from chronic stress will experience a drop in function and mood, struggle with decision-making, have impaired concentration, and see a significant decline in productivity.

As the proverb says: “An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty, while a pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.” It is usually negative interpretations that are the root of stress. Instead of seeing opportunities, a person focuses on worries: “What will happen? How will everything work out? What will people think of me?” A person is not a victim of reality, but of their own beliefs about being powerless.

The brain uses imagination to fuel worry and it is the combination of vivid imagination and racing thoughts that creates an internal storm of worry and stress. Our brain can be our best friend, or our worst enemy. Our thoughts and the internal dialogue we maintain with ourselves dictate the quality of our day and how productive we are. The more immersed we are in worry, the less energy we have to thrive. Indeed, the Baal Shem Tov said (in Keter Shem Tov) that a person lives not only in reality- but in their thoughts.

For example, a man is sitting in the study hall, but he’s worried about the line at the bank later that day. Where is he really? Physically, he’s in the study hall, but mentally, he’s standing in line at the bank. He imagines people trying to cut ahead, and he’s frustrated about how his “people-pleaser” personality forces him to give in. Instead of focusing on the page of Talmud in front of him, he’s mentally arguing with an imaginary person in line.

If someone is preoccupied with stress, they can’t actually experience life, because their mind is elsewhere, immersed in anxiety and the darker parts of their inner world.

If we examine our lives objectively, we’ll realize that most of our stress is caused by things that only exist in our minds, and that the worst-case scenarios we imagine rarely come true.

Older people tend to be calmer and more composed, and generally experience less stress than younger people, because they’ve internalized that life isn’t as negative as it sometimes seems, and they’ve learned to put things in perspective.

The Future Is Still to Come

While it's wise to plan ahead, flooding your mind with problems that haven’t happened yet, and trying to defend against them with stress, is unproductive. It's important to think about the future, but not to get swallowed by it. Try to maintain your regular routine, and deal with problems when they actually present.

The Midrash (Genesis Rabbah 75:2) critiques Jacob our forefather for sending messengers to appease Esau. Although Jacob knew Esau hated him and sought revenge, engaging with a threat before it fully materialized was, in some sense, premature (as discussed by Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz in Sichot Mussar).

It’s better to focus on the good in life- family, friends and learning- rather than on threats that might affect those things. Often, obsessing over a future problem becomes more damaging than the original issue itself.

Indeed, most stress is about the future because human beings want to know how their life will unfold. They want immediate solutions for problems that might arise later, thinking this will give them security. However, we can’t solve future problems in the present, and when we attempt to do this, we simply overwhelm ourselves with problems we aren’t yet equipped to fix. Real solutions come in real time, with faith in the Creator of the world, who holds everything in His hands.

A person who believes he must personally solve every possible future problem ends up living in future anxieties instead of the present moment. The person of faith trains themselves to focus on the present- to do their part now and rely on G-d. Every problem can be dealt with in its time. When we live fully in the now, we build the emotional strength and spiritual clarity to face what comes next.

As the saying goes: “Don’t tell G-d how big your problems are- tell your problems how big your G-d is.” Let go of the need to pre-solve everything and leave the future to the King of Kings.

One Step at a Time

Train your mind to break problems into smaller pieces. For example, if a person needs a 100,000 dollar loan, they arrange to repay a few thousand dollars each month.

A person who tries to solve all future issues, takes the reverse approach so that instead of letting problems arrive in their time, they attempt to solve a lifetime of challenges at once. This robs them of their chance to truly live.

When a person faces challenges as they arrive, it is easier to deal with them with wisdom, experience and divine assistance. Trying to solve everything in advance is a losing battle.

As the Talmud says: “Whoever tries to force the moment, the moment will push him back. But whoever steps aside for the right time, the moment will come to him.” (Berachot 64a)

Let life unfold, live now and trust that help will be there when you need it.