Raising Confident Children: Finding the Balance Between Protection and Freedom

From the very first days of life, we influence and mold our children's development. It is therefore essential that we do it wisely.

There are two types of parents at the playground. The anxious parent constantly hovers over the child, not allowing them to climb on "dangerous" equipment. If the child tries to jump from a challenging height, the parent panics. Sometimes they’ll even prevent the child from trying something that isn’t dangerous- because in the parent’s eyes, it’s simply not worth the "risk." Alternatively, the parent might scold the child in a way that sends the message: "That was really dangerous." The child absorbs this, and learns that the world is a scary place.

There is also the confident parent. They observe and supervise the child to ensure safety, but they remain calm and composed. They won’t overreact to a daring leap- and might even encourage it. The child learns that it’s worthwhile to take on new challenges in life and that taking risks can be valuable.

The third parent isn’t at the playground at all. In this case the child grows up with almost no parental presence.

What kind of parent are you? An anxious overseer? A confident guide? Or mostly absent from your child’s life?

Parents who aren’t sufficiently present in their child’s life can unintentionally cause long-term issues in the child’s sense of trust in the world and their belief that they’re worthy of love. This can later affect their ability to form healthy relationships, and ultimately, a healthy marriage. In extreme cases, it can even contribute to personality disorders.

At the same time, it's important to realize that overly protective, overly involved parents, who don't allow their child to explore or try things on their own, can lead the child to believe, “I can’t.” These parents create a lack of confidence in their child’s abilities, because the child learns that trying is unsafe, risks are not okay, and without someone else’s help, they will fail.

The correct approach is a balance of warmth, love, and support, combined with letting go. The child should feel loved and cared for, but at the same time they need the freedom to explore life and build independence. Alongside this, they still need protection and guidance on what is actually dangerous. This combination fosters a healthy sense of self-worth, confidence, and a willingness to try new things, without placing the child in harm’s way.

There are no fixed formulas or one-size-fits-all solutions, and the right balance therefore depends on your judgment as parents. To ensure that your judgement is as accurate as possible, ask yourself: In my own life, do I tend to avoid risk? Do I shy away from challenges because I’m afraid of what might go wrong? Do I tend to be too hands-off with my child, more than is typical or healthy?

If you recognize any of these patterns in yourself, it’s likely that you are communicating that same mindset to your child. If you tend to avoid challenges in your own life, or if you’re prone to anxiety, it’s possible that your view of what’s “dangerous” isn’t entirely accurate and you may be projecting that fear onto your child which is holding them back. It is therefore important that you examine the things you perceive as risky and ask yourself honestly if they truly belong in this category. Letting go can help both your child and yourself.

Be present, loving, and caring- but also let go, let them try, and help them believe in their own abilities.

Hagai Tzadok works in in psychotherapy and marriage counseling.