Mutual Respect Between Spouses – A Fundamental Requirement for a Happy Marriage

The only mutual requirement the Rambam (Maimonides) lists as essential for a successful marriage is respect.

From the husband, he demands: “Let him honor his wife more than his own body.” 

From the wife, he expects: “Let her honor her husband  exceedingly.”

Mutual respect is a fundamental emotional need for every human being. A violation of that respect can shake the very foundations of a marriage, sometimes to the point of collapse. A deeper understanding of the emotional makeup of men and women helps explain why the Rambam phrases these two instructions differently.

A man is told to honor his wife more than himself because, by her nature and emotional wiring, a woman is more sensitive to anything that touches her dignity- how she is spoken to, how she is treated, and how her appearance is regarded. Therefore, she needs not just respect, but elevated respect.

In contrast, the Rambam says a woman must respect her husband “exceedingly”- an unusual phrase that signals going beyond the ordinary. Why? Many women tend to respect their husbands less than others do outside the home. They think, “People are exaggerating. I know who he really is.” They may assume that he doesn’t need more than a minimal level of acknowledgment. But the Rambam insists, give him more than you think he needs, because a man deeply craves a particular form of respect his wife might not naturally feel compelled to give, or even understand.

A Timeless Teaching from King Solomon

In Proverbs, King Solomon writes: “A dripping leak on a stormy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.”

What does this mean? Imagine a man walking through a rainstorm. He’s drenched but doesn’t complain because it’s rain, and rain is good for the world. But when he walks into his house and finds the ceiling leaking, he gets upset. Why? Outside, he expects challenges, but inside, he wants peace.

A man may have the emotional tools to face confrontations at work, in the market, or out on the street. He is, by nature, the “foreign minister” of the household, built for navigating the outside world.

But home is different. There, he expects warmth, comfort, and quiet. When his wife greets him with criticism, complaints, or strife, he feels emotionally overwhelmed and robbed of his one safe haven. It’s no surprise that some men begin to delay coming home after work, unconsciously avoiding conflict or tension they know awaits them at the door.

Creating a Haven of Peace

A wise woman recognizes her husband's emotional association with the home as a place of peace, even if she herself views the home as her natural territory. She meets him with a calm, pleasant attitude, even if her day was difficult.

A small, genuine gesture, a warm greeting, a simple “How was your day?” followed by giving him a moment to eat, drink, and relax can work wonders. Only after he’s had time to unwind should more serious matters be discussed, and even then, in a calm, respectful tone.

If there is criticism to be shared, she begins and ends with praise, creating a safe emotional frame. Such a woman is truly a woman of valor- one who guides her home with wisdom, nurturing an atmosphere of enduring love, respect, and harmony.

Of course, this principle works both ways. When the wife is the one returning home, the same care and respect apply in reverse. Whoever is home first greets the other with kindness.

Marriages thrive not only through love, but through mindful, respectful interaction that honors each other’s needs.