"I Know Exactly What You're Going to Say": The Art of Listening (Part I)

"He doesn’t listen to me at all”, Naomi said with silent pain. “I feel like I’m talking to a wall. Even when I try to schedule the conversation for a more favorable moment, it still doesn’t help. I’ve repeated my request dozens of times this month, and he labels me as ‘relentlessly stubborn.’”

This kind of painful monologue might sound familiar in various life situations, between partners, parents and children, employers and employees, or friends. In fact, who hasn’t felt at some point that there’s no one to talk to and their words slide off the listener like oil on glass, leading to repeated messages over the course of a month. Repetition doesn’t help internalize the message, but often strengthens the listener’s impression that the speaker is being inflexible. On the flip side, the speaker may say the same about the listener: “They’re being stubborn by refusing to listen.”

Many people feel they’ve been gifted with an open heart and attentive ears, unlike others who seem tone-deaf. If you want to become a skilled listener, below are a few common barriers to overcome.

Listening Block #1: Faulty Assumptions

In a parenting group focused on teens, Sara stands out. She’s a thoughtful, involved mother who seems to truly understand her daughter. In fact, she proudly claims that she can predict exactly how any conversation with her teenage daughter will unfold.

“After just one sentence, I already know what she’s going to say, who said what, who got in trouble, and why,” she boasts.

Should the other mothers be envious? Actually, not at all.

Listening based on the assumption that “I already know everything” prevents genuine, open communication. The listener isn’t truly present. They miss the subtle shifts, the emotional undertones, and the silent pleas between the lines. They're locked into a narrow, pre-scripted mindset.

Parents who assume they know what their child is going to say can easily miss windows of opportunity to really see their child, recognize inner struggles, or spot early signs of change. Their ears may be open, but their hearts are not.

Genuine listening begins with curiosity. Each conversation has the potential to reveal something new. The mindful listener stays open, without filtering what they hear through their existing beliefs or seeking only what confirms their viewpoint.

Listening Block #2: Different Interpretations of the Same Experience

Language reflects a person’s inner world and personal experiences. Even when someone communicates clearly, their words may land differently with the listener, depending on how the listener interprets the experience being described. We may speak the same language, but we interpret it very differently.

Consider the story of Mrs. S., a school principal who managed her staff on “crisis mode.” Everything was last minute including schedules, events and parent communications. Although the school ran smoothly, the staff was constantly overwhelmed.

A group of seasoned teachers finally sat down with her to express how stressful this approach was. She listened, but didn’t really hear.

To her, stress was a positive thing- an adrenaline rush that fueled creativity and high performance. When her staff spoke about stress, she interpreted their complaints through her lens: "They’re just caught up in the excitement like I am.”

The same term can mean different things to different people. The only way to bridge that gap is to recognize those emotional and interpretive differences, and focus the conversation there.

(Photo: shutterstock)

Listening Block #3: Defensive Listening and Counterattacks

If we could place a hidden camera in a counseling room, we’d often see the following scenario:

One person is speaking eloquently and logically. The other is quietly listening, until, suddenly, they snap. They interrupt, argue, or fire back. Then roles reverse. The second person starts explaining while the first one now gets defensive or cuts in. 

Is that listening? Of course not.

In emotionally charged relationships between parents and children, long-term partners, or coworkers, listening often shifts into “defensive mode.” People aren’t listening to understand but to prepare their counterargument.

In your next intense conversation, try noticing your internal dialogue. You might hear yourself thinking:

• “They always say the same thing.”

• “He’s so stubborn.”

• “She only thinks about herself.”

• “I’m right, he’s wrong.”

• “Why can’t she just let it go?”

Becoming aware of these inner thoughts can help you shift into conscious listening, driven by curiosity instead of combat.

The Art of Listening: The Greatest Gift

Of course, there are many more listening barriers and tools we didn’t cover here. But this glimpse into the art of listening shows why it’s one of the most meaningful gifts we can offer.

Effective listening creates a safe emotional space, free from judgment, where people can share openly. It validates feelings without needing to fix or correct. As the Midrash says on the verse in Isaiah “And you extend your soul to the hungry”: “If you have nothing to give a poor person- comfort them with your words.”

Even if you can’t fulfill someone’s wish, you can offer a heart that listens, and a presence that sees them and holds space for their needs.