Alone, Not Lonely: The Hidden Power of Solitude

Who is the best person to spend time with? And how do we find that person? "Solitude is a great and supreme virtue," wrote Rabbi Nachman of Breslov.

Every person needs time alone with themselves. A fascinating study on solitude was once conducted where two people sat back-to-back in a room, each facing a screen that displayed images of various objects such as a clock, a guitar, a table, and so on. Each person was told to remember the objects, and each knew the other was also trying to remember them.

In a separate room, another two people sat in the same setup, but each believed they were participating in the experiment alone. Each thought the other person had an entirely different task and that there was no competition.

A few days later, all participants returned and were asked to recall the objects they had seen. Those who thought they were working alone remembered far more than those who believed they were in a competition. The second group performed significantly better than the first.

As the sages said: "A pot shared by partners is neither hot nor cold"- when there is shared responsibility, each relies on the other to do the work. People tend to put in less effort when they assume that they can lean on someone else. You can see this, for example, in a team tug-of-war. A person won't exert as much effort as they would in a solo tug-of-war.

Another reason we underperform in groups is due to distraction. Our brains naturally engage in empathy and identification with others- we wonder how the other person is feeling which diverts focus and can impair performance.

Humans, while social creatures, also need solitude. Distance from others helps us become more social, creative, original, independent, joyful, capable, and empathetic.

Too much time with others can lead a person to become shallow, and the deep, clear thought processes that is achieved from solitude may fade. As the Chazon Ish (a noted rabbinic authority) said, a person needs time alone to think, free from the world’s noise.

(Photo Illustration: Flash 90)

Balance Is Key

A person needs both social interaction and alone time. We need to withdraw occasionally from social noise to recharge our social batteries.

Interestingly, highly social individuals tend to show less empathy toward people outside their close circle. On the other hand, those who regularly spend intentional time alone- even a short walk or private activity- tend to be more empathetic toward distant acquaintances or strangers. These people experience life more authentically when alone compared to in group settings.

Solitude enhances creativity and imagination.

People who make space for alone time tend to have a richer inner world, whereas those constantly surrounded by others (or constantly thinking about others) don’t give their imagination room to grow.

This is especially important during adolescence, a key phase for developing one's unique identity. Teens often feel addicted to social interaction but it’s crucial that they experience life on their own terms, even for short periods.

Studies show that teens who spend 20–40% of their time alone report more positive emotions during the week than highly social teens. They also perform better in school and report fewer low moods. Many teens describe solitude as a refuge- a break from a judgmental, watchful world. Not that society is always judgmental, but teens often feel judged.

Even if solitude doesn't feel pleasant at the moment- like a bitter medicine- it may not taste great, but it still has a positive affect.

Today’s tech-driven world.

Emails, instant messaging and social media are all about expression. It feels empowering to think “I’m sharing my thoughts with the world.” But in reality, much of it is filtered.

Before we post, we often think not about what we want to say, but about how others will react. We become conditioned to think from others' perspectives instead of our own and have little time for independent thinking or reflection. Our brains fill with shallow content and catchy phrases, gradually eroding our capacity for deeper thought.

(Photo: shutterstock)

Alone time should not feel like punishment.

Today, many people get frustrated sitting alone in traffic. They don’t know how to simply be with themselves, to breathe, to feel their own presence, to practice healthy self-love.

One of the most avoided feelings today is boredom, and being alone can feel this way. However, solitude helps us become more human and brings us back to ourselves.

Many people equate social standing with self-worth. If someone spends a week alone, most people would say, “They must be bored, pitiful, counting the minutes.” But a healthy, self-aware person might say, “I saw new things. I connected with myself. I had solo experiences, grew, created, and enjoyed it.”

Being alone may be hard, but it's impactful. The key is not to fear it. Allow yourself moments of solitude. Turn off your phone. Be with yourself. At first, it may be boring, but over time, you’ll come to love it.

If we struggle with this, it’s even more important to teach it to our children. Give them 10 minutes each day to be alone which they can use to draw, read, or even stare into space. The goal is for them to experience themselves, and tap into their internal value that doesn't depend on external approval.