Mastering Anger: How to Overcome Rage Without Losing Authority

According to Torah, there is never a case in which it is truly permissible to feel anger. There are rare situations where one may appear to be angry- but even then, actual inner anger is never allowed, not even for the sake of a mitzvah.

Even in situations where one must show anger- such as a parent disciplining a child who misbehaved, or a teacher correcting students to encourage better learning- this is permitted only if there is no other effective alternative, and even then, it must be an external act, but not genuine emotion.

If a child needs to be punished or reprimanded, it must never be done out of anger or frustration. There is no justification for hitting a child “just to let off steam”. Discipline is for education, and educational correction is never appropriate from an emotionally volatile place.

There is a story about a great sage who had a special garment called “the anger coat”. Whenever he felt the need to display anger, he would ask his attendant to bring him this coat. By the time he put it on, if he realized the anger was no longer necessary, he would simply remove it. If however he still felt it would help to display anger, he’d do so- externally only- having maintained full inner calm. This small ritual prevented him from falling into real anger.

If one doesn’t have a physical object like a coat, then before displaying anger, one can say something similar to a “L’shem Yichud”- a declaration of intent used before performing mitzvot:
“I am about to act as if I’m angry solely to educate and correct- not out of actual anger. May this be for the sake of Heaven and to fulfill the will of my Creator.”

Saying these words can already shift a person’s mood. In many cases, they’ll realize the anger isn’t necessary at all, and perhaps even the appearance of anger isn’t needed. If they do still move forward to display anger, stating this “intention” beforehand provides them with a small degree of self-mastery. It indicates that they delayed the reaction long enough to say the words.

Repeat, repeat, and repeat again!

Anyone who truly wants to work on overcoming anger must review this material repeatedly, until they know it almost by heart. This is the only way to remember how to act, when to act, and what to avoid. Push aside ego and pride that whisper, “This is beneath me”. Let’s rise above ourselves and fight with all our strength against this harmful trait.

It is better to invest your energy in fighting anger, than to waste it in an angry outburst.