How Focusing on Others Eases Personal Pain

During times of hardship, some may say: “Don’t focus only on yourself—feel for those who are suffering even more…” This comment can be irritating when you’re overwhelmed by your own sorrow and simply want empathy. If however you say it to yourself, if you can pull yourself out of your private pain to feel the pain of others, it may calm your spirit and help you cope.

A verse in Psalms illustrates how stepping outside one’s own suffering can bring strength: "As a deer longs for water streams, so my soul longs for You, O G-d" (Psalms 42:2). The word "deer" (ayal) refers to a male deer, so why does the verse use the feminine verb ta’arog (she longs)?

The answer is that it refers to a female deer (ayalah), which, according to our sages, possesses two qualities:

1. She suffers greatly in childbirth.

2. She is filled with compassion.

When there is a drought and animals have no water, they come to her and plead that she pray on their behalf. She digs a pit in the earth, places her antlers into it, and cries out. G-d has compassion on her, and the depths bring forth water.

Imagine that this deer is deep in labor, overwhelmed by her own pain—what happens when her friends come asking for help?

She puts aside her own private pain because she feels the burden of her thirsty companions. So deeply does she sense their anguish and yearning for a drop of water that she musters the strength of a male deer—who never experienced the pain of childbirth—and when she focuses on their pain and works to help them, her own pain subsides.

Like that deer, we too pray that our soul will yearn for G-d—not only in our own private struggles, but with a desire to do His will. That includes thinking of others, of their hardships, and seeking to ease their burdens. When we do, G-d helps to ease our own.

When we focus less on our own suffering and more on the suffering of others, our personal burden lightens. By shifting our attention to others’ pain, we break the cycle of self-absorption that magnifies our own struggles.

When a person rises above their own suffering, they don’t drown in it, but they swim forward, even helping others swim as well. When we focus on helping those around us stay afloat, we gain strength ourselves.

When You Feel the Pain of Others, It’s Easier to Cope

It’s told of Rabbi Uriyah Stein that during his struggle with a serious illness, he made time to help newly widowed women (whose husbands he had met in the hospital) and brought them joy. This, in turn, gave him strength.

Once, while recovering in Switzerland, he met another patient who was taking calming medications. Rabbi Stein said, “What’s the point of all those pills? Do they actually cure anything? Better to find a widow or two and help them…”

That man took his advice. Though he had tried all kinds of medications, he discovered true healing through this new path. He began helping widows, and saw real improvement in his own condition.

Who is like Your nation, O Israel…

When everyone only thinks of themselves, there is no greater darkness. In the plague of darkness in Egypt, it says: “They did not see one another” (Exodus 10:23). The Chidushei HaRim explains: the greatest darkness is when people don’t see each other.

How difficult it is when each person has to face struggles alone! When we carry one another’s burdens, help ease someone else’s pain, listen and empathize, we bring light into our lives. The more we focus on others, the easier it is to cope—and we also illuminate the lives of those around us.