Why We Judge Others: The Hidden Emotional Patterns That Shape Our Perception

Our negative thought patterns would be troubling enough if they affected only us privately. But the inner distortions we hold about ourselves also distort the way we see others. If I see only the negative in myself, if I hold a false, warped perception of who I am, if I identify with the worst parts of me — then automatically I will project that onto others.

Chazal expressed this concisely: “One who disqualifies another is revealing his own flaw.” (Kiddushin 70a)

In other words, when I criticize or judge someone harshly, it is usually because that person reflects something in me — a part I’m unwilling to acknowledge.

This dynamic is confusing because often we reject in others traits that seem opposite of who we are. A person who appears tough or strong may despise displays of weakness or vulnerability in others. On the surface, he will insist that this is not his flaw: “Me? Rejecting my own weakness? I’m nothing like him! I’m strong — he is the weak one!”

And yet, rejection still comes from within. Perhaps he is not consciously aware of that fragility inside himself. Perhaps it is buried very deep. But it is there.

Often it is something a person has spent a lifetime trying to hide, even from himself. As a child, he may have feared being weak or soft. He learned early that softness equals failure, and he trained himself never to show it. As an adult, he cannot tolerate the slightest hint of weakness — in himself or in anyone else. It terrifies him.

There is a simple rule: If something triggers you strongly — someone or something “pushes your buttons”, it is touching an inner point that needs healing. If you pay attention, you can repair it within yourself.

How We See Others Is Shaped by Our Inner State

Every married couple knows the contrast between how one sees a spouse during moments of love and connection versus moments of anger or frustration. The same person appears totally different — because you are different.

We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are.

The physical eye sees only colors, shapes, and movement. The real “seeing” happens in the brain — where interpretation begins. The brain takes those visual signals and turns them into meaning. But the meaning we create is shaped by our beliefs, fears, memories, and emotional wounds.

Once we understand that interpretation — rather than raw reality, is doing the work, we realize our perspective is only one possibility among many. This realization opens the door to giving others the benefit of the doubt.

Perhaps I don’t understand their motives. Perhaps what I think I’m seeing is something entirely different. Perhaps they’re acting based on experiences I know nothing about.

And then there is a third force influencing our perception — the heart.

A Story: When My Eyes Lied to Me

On Hoshanah Rabbah, I went to a synagogue where I don’t usually pray. I placed my things on a table and stepped outside. When I returned, I found a young man sitting there, my belongings moved aside.

I was shocked: “What chutzpah! How dare he push my things aside? Who does he think he is?”

The boy looked bored, not even apologetic. My inner dialogue was raging. Fortunately, the night before, I had learned a teaching of Rabbi Nachman: When something doesn’t go your way, ask yourself — maybe this is pride?

So I stopped. Maybe I’m missing something…

Just then the boy’s father approached, looked at me, and asked his son a question. In a flash, I understood: These were their regular seats. He wasn’t invading my space — I had unknowingly taken theirs. The father even moved elsewhere so as not to embarrass me.

My entire perception had been upside-down.

We Rarely Know Someone’s True Intentions

How can we really know what motivates another person? Most of the time, we can’t — unless we speak deeply and honestly, and even then we need trust to believe what we hear.

If I believe in goodness, I am more likely to interpret others’ actions favorably.

Moreover, many of our interpretations are shaped by childhood experiences. If a child was often asked “What are you doing?” only to be scolded, then as an adult, when his boss asks innocently, “What did you get done today?” he may immediately feel threatened or judged.

So perception is not only eyesight — it is interpretation shaped by beliefs, shaped by memory, shaped by emotions.

If I do not repair my heart, if I do not reconnect to the deep truth that I am inherently good, that everything that happens is for my growth and correction, then it will be very difficult to see the good in others.

As Rebbe Nachman writes in Kochvei Or: “…Each person imagines he fully understands the truth about his fellow, that his fellow destroys worlds while he himself builds them… and this distances us from truth more than anything else.”

In truth, we do not see the world. We see our reflection in it.