Do You Truly Believe You’re Good? How Childhood Beliefs Shape Self-Worth and Inner Confidence

If you ask someone on the street whether they think they’re a good person, the automatic answer will usually be: “Of course I’m good.” But a deeper look inside reveals a part of us that believes we’re not truly good. What does “not good” even mean?

Do I feel that I’m a good person who wants only good, or are there places where I hold harsh beliefs about myself — that I’m selfish, that I don’t really care about others, that I constantly disappoint people, that I’m unlucky, that I have no chance to succeed, that I’m a failure, that I don’t truly have any talents, that I’m weak, or that if people knew who I really am and how I really feel, they wouldn’t want a relationship with me?

Most of the time we’re not aware of these thoughts and feelings, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Even if a person says that everything is fine and that they love themselves and feel connected to themselves, if deep down they believe they’re not good, that they disappoint, that they “should have been different,” their behavior will reflect that belief. Our beliefs shape our behavior and the way we relate to ourselves and to our surroundings.

One of the most frustrating things is when someone finds within themselves places of feeling worthless, disconnected, or unloved — then looks around and thinks everyone else is fine, and only they feel this way. That only intensifies the negative feeling, and isn’t true. The main problem is despair. We all have struggles. True, what looks like a mountain to you may seem like a molehill to someone else, but each of us carries our own challenges and wounds.

The problem, as noted, is the negative beliefs that rule our lives. There’s a joke about three agents — a Shin Bet agent, a KGB agent, and a CIA agent, competing to see who can catch a rabbit in the forest the fastest. The CIA agent returns with a rabbit after five minutes. The KGB agent returns after fifteen. The Shin Bet agent doesn’t come out at all. Worried, the other two go back into the forest and find him in a clearing with a terrified lion tied up, yelling at it: “Confess that you’re a rabbit! Admit you’re a rabbit!”

It sounds exaggerated, but that’s what happens when, at an early age, we become convinced that we’re not good enough — that we should be someone else, something else; that we should be a rabbit instead of a lion. Once we’re convinced of our “badness,” we spend our lives wrapping it in shiny cellophane, pretending everything is fine. Then, even when we tell ourselves that we’re doing great, that we love and value ourselves, a deeper check reveals that, deep in our hearts, we don’t believe we’re good.

This gap has several roots, one of which lies in childhood. When parents or teachers tell a child that he is a “bad kid,” he internalizes it. We all know statements like “You’re lazy,” “You’re selfish,” “You’re annoying.” Such words shape a child’s self-perception as “not good.” The parents may intend that the behavior was bad, but over time the child absorbs the toxic idea into himself. Harsh, rigid education can lead to this view even without saying the words explicitly.

Even parenting that is too soft or permissive can make a child believe he’s not good: “If I were good, at least they’d care; at least someone would notice me.” He may conclude, “I must not count, not matter, and not be good, so no one pays attention or sets boundaries with me.”

There are other reasons for this basic inner belief that we’re not good, and they vary from person to person. The common point is that sometimes this belief hides, and sometimes it surges and overwhelms us. In periods when it rises, we feel powerless and unmotivated.

Life circumstances can also reinforce the false belief that we’re not good. When a person looks at their current life — and it’s not what they hoped for, they may feel like a failure, identify with the external situation, and decide they’re not good.

However, a deeper examination will often reveal that we’re mistaken, and that if we can change our beliefs, we will begin to feel differently.