How Do You Move from a 'Technical' Relationship to Connection and Love?

A 'technical' relationship means distance, and sometimes even estrangement. Getting sucked into the task-oriented daily routine harms our deep connection, love, connection, intimacy, and emotion between us. Recently, I received several questions, all focused on the same point: 'Our relationship has become technical, revolving around the management of the house and children.' These questions are always written with pain and longing for something missing: 'Where did the closeness go? What about our love?'.

We all want warmth, love, care, and closeness, especially within our relationships.

The desire to marry comes first and foremost from the aspiration for closeness, understanding, a close and loving relationship. And when this is missing – the main thing is missing...

How Do We Create Change?

Firstly, if this is the situation, we must be aware of it. There is no point in denying, ignoring, or pretending everything is fine. Something essential is missing, and naturally, what is happening right now is not good.

There are many ways to awaken love and emotional connection, but this is only upon understanding that emotion is the foundation. The peace between us, the sense of closeness and warmth – they are the first and foremost in building our home. It's better to have a slightly less tidy home or work fewer overtime hours to find time, availability, and willingness to invest in the most important thing – emotional communication.

Once we truly want this and understand it's crucial, the ways to change are many and varied.

Starting from notes and surprises, quality time for conversation and sharing, kind words, and even a couple's getaway to bring closeness and connection. Every couple knows (and if not, now is the time to think about it...) what ways awaken closeness and emotion.

It's very hard to live with the feeling that marriage is operating only technically: doing what needs to be done, taking care of the children, the home, money, food, and all affairs, but there's no real emotional closeness. One can get used to this situation and do nothing to change it, just run a model home together. There are no fights, everything is as it should be, but from the inside – there’s no emotion or closeness.

It seems there's nothing more painful than living 'next to' a partner. To appear together but feel so alone. It hurts both partners, I have no doubt about that. However, the expression of this pain doesn’t always manifest the same way. Some may choose to shout and be irritable all the time; others might cry; some might draw into themselves; and some may show indifference to the situation. But in the heart, in the feeling, it’s possible that all are experiencing the same hardship or loneliness, and perhaps also vulnerability, anger, or disappointment.

'Shalom Bayit' does not just mean to run a house 'peacefully' together, but it means an atmosphere of completeness, connection, and closeness. If we notice something is not right, that distance is growing, it’s worth stopping. Talking, clarifying, and changing. Even if the other side is closed off or distant, let us be the first to seek this change, express it, strive and try to open the heart. Even if the distance between us has lasted for a long time – months or years – let's start together to awaken the feelings.

Closeness awakens closeness. Reconciliation brings reconciliation. Let's invest in the emotional, in the soulful, in warmth and kind words; let ourselves have time together; seek to see the good in each other.

And when we reach a dead end – we seek help from professionals.

We all deserve to be happy! And with Hashem’s help, if we desire and make the effort, it is entirely possible.

Avraham Sheharbani is a couples and family counselor, addiction therapist, lecturer in the field of family, and a member of the Israeli Association for Couples and Family Counseling.