"My Match Came to the Door, But I Closed It on Him"

"If ten years ago someone had told me that at 41, I would be sharing my story as a married woman and mother of four children, I would have laughed or cried, or maybe both at the same time," begins Tzivia Handelsman, recounting her inspiring life story.

"Back then, everything seemed hard and hopeless. The journey I went through was massively turbulent and not simple at all. I got married at 23, but unfortunately, I quickly realized I had made a serious mistake. I was willing to do anything possible—counseling, therapy, etc.—to avoid divorce. However, Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky insisted otherwise and ruled to divorce immediately."

It was a very difficult crisis for her. Tzivia notes that the difficulty was even greater since she was left alone without the support of her family, who could not accept the 'terrible stain' of a divorced daughter, especially given the severe stigma surrounding divorce in those days.

"I felt completely crushed," she recalls, "but the truth is, only today, looking back, can I see that the crisis I experienced as a young woman was indeed a rebirth that enabled me to thrive beyond my wildest dreams."

From Downfall to Ascend

So how does a young divorcee cope when she feels her life is shattered into pieces? "At that time, the only comfort I knew was carbohydrates and sweets," she admits, "so I often indulged in them, which of course led to significant weight gain and the onset of type 2 diabetes. I was broken and crushed. Some days, the only thing that gave me strength to continue was the commandment to 'choose life,' nothing else, and the only tool I had was prayer to the Creator of the Universe. My prayer book and the Book of Psalms, along with my pillow, absorbed many tears. I prayed a lot."

And as is known, no prayer goes unanswered. Tzivia stresses that the greatest pains are often what lead to salvation in the end. "After a period of struggle and indecision, I reached the conclusion that 'if I am not for myself, who will be?' and decided I was not willing to remain in a place of despair and frustration," she recounts. "I chose to embark on a new path and take care of myself, physically and mentally. I deeply felt the words: 'In the way that a person wishes to go, they are led,' and once I resolved to take care of myself, Hashem sent amazing, professional, and dedicated emissaries who truly helped me be reborn."

And how did you do it in practice?

"I invested energy from all aspects and forced myself to undergo therapy, which required time and money. I cut back on many things to afford my treatment, and it paid off greatly. I rediscovered myself, like a new woman. I made a drastic change to a healthy lifestyle. In this aspect, I was like a 'captive child' and felt like a repentant returning to Judaism, reborn. At the same time, I studied nutrition and counseling, and later, I studied coaching with certification from the mentoring office and began working primarily in the field of healthy lifestyle changes."

Faith, Faith, and Faith

Throughout all those years of study and self-care, Tzivia claims she refused to hear about matches. "Aside from the wig on my head, I was like any single woman. But when the time came, and I felt ready and wanted to marry, I discovered that the match proposals weren't very inspiring... and what remained was to continue praying to Hashem to send me my destined partner. For me, bachelorhood was not an option, and I tried to do everything I could to build a home and establish a family."

Honestly, did you believe the match would come?

"Yes, I absolutely believed, and even in difficult times, I tried to encourage myself and strengthen my faith that good things would come and that Hashem loves me. Even when I felt I was almost drowning and salvation seemed more distant than ever. Several years earlier, I also received a blessing from a very great person in these words: 'With Hashem's help, your match will come to your doorstep,' and I believed it would come."

But here she's unable to hold back from adding another sentence: "My match indeed came to my door, but I refused to open it for him..."

What do you mean?

"It happened when a trainee who came to me via a newspaper ad understood that I wasn't married and tried to suggest my husband to me. But the proposal did not match at all the checklist I had created in my imagination and didn't meet the criteria of the person I'd wanted to build my home with. Naturally, like any normal person, I wanted a mentally healthy husband, but beyond that, I had additional desires – I wanted a learned man, educated, sensitive, financially secure, without children from previous marriages, advancing himself spiritually, and more, and more. After all I had gone through and bravely faced, I preserved myself and waited for so many years, so I felt I truly deserved something special. How could I now compromise...?!"

"Additionally, I grew up in a home of Torah love and sincere devotion to Hashem and true human greatness. I also supported my grandfather, an immensely great scholar, and a truly righteous man, for fifteen years, so love for Torah was ingrained in me, and I felt I deserved nothing less than someone of this caliber."

What helped her at that time was that, as a professional, she understood that she needed assistance from a professional figure to help her in life, leading her to connect with a coach and guide for marriage preparation. "On Lag BaOmer that year, flooded with insights that came thanks to the coaching experiences, I traveled to Meron, prayed deeply, and committed to strengthening myself in joy, whatever the situation might be. My salvation arrived on the way back to Jerusalem, not as a match proposal, but as a significant insight that was a breakthrough for me: 'Perhaps Hashem's will is that I face things I don't desire, and as long as I am not willing to come to terms with His will, I might stay alone?' The great kindness Hashem did for me was understanding that if I wanted to fulfill my dream of marriage and family, I would need to come down to earth to explore the existing proposals and see what they indeed had to offer."

Tzivia's son, Yedidya, by the Western Wall

Then you met your husband?

"Yes, but it wasn't simple at all," she answers. "From the time of the initial proposal until the wedding, nine months passed, like the nine months of pregnancy, and I talk about this process and all there is to learn from it in a lecture called 'Against All Odds.' When asked, 'How did you agree to settle on issues that were so important to you?' I replied that I didn't compromise but chose – I chose to build a relationship and family and not stay alone. I was determined to succeed in building a good and happy life, and I did not give up on myself despite all the difficulties. I tried to show Hashem that I wasn't giving in to the troubles, and He reciprocated... I was blessed with a particularly special husband. Although he didn't fit my exact checklist, who really has a husband that ticks every single box? As for the most important qualities, he certainly has them: amiability, good character traits, hard work, willingness to learn and change."

"Regarding my aspiration to get the next generation's great leader – I followed the example of Rachel, wife of Rabbi Akiva, and came with the desire and readiness to build my Rabbi Akiva. During the courtship, when I realized my husband, who was divorced with two children, hadn't studied, I asked my late father what he thought, and he replied: 'Check if he loves Torah. If he indeed loves Torah, with your wisdom as a woman, you can bring him wherever you wish...' And thank God, today my husband studies for half a day, and his desire for Torah increases."

The cake Tzivia makes for the brides she guides

The Goal: Helping Break Free

Today, Tzivia raises her four charming children with satisfaction and joy. "I received true gifts, and my greatest dream is to enjoy Jewish pride from them and see them growing on the right path," she says.

But she also has another dream that she developed over the years – to help women and girls facing life challenges, aiding them in breaking free. "To that end, I went to learn many professional tools," she notes, "such as personal and emotional coaching, NLP, CBT, cooking therapy – 'Happy Pot,' and jewelry making. I developed a unique program I call 'Choose Life,' which thankfully succeeds in assisting many women and girls coping. I'm thrilled to share there are numerous success stories in situations where great and good people almost gave up. I also devised a model called 'Your Light' – a model for realizing dreams based on professional tools combined with insights from my personal world and, of course, a Jewish religious approach. I deliver it in lectures, workshops, and one-on-one coaching."

"Over time, girls came to me seeking assistance during this challenging phase in the most important life topic – partnerships, and thank God I managed to bring the smile back to their faces. There's no greater happiness than receiving a message from a girl who was guided by me, telling me she's happy, either after giving birth or before it, and she's doing well."

Do you think professional guidance in such a period is essential?

"Of course not, naturally, anyone can manage on their own and with Hashem's help reach the wedding. The question is, do you want to arrive – in a Mercedes or with a horse and carriage? Would you like to have a clear roadmap to read that helps you find the best way to reach your goal? Wedding guidance is essentially a kind gesture to yourself to make this period easier and save a lot of heartbreak along the way. We all hear about failed partnership stories nowadays rather than success stories. This creates terrible fears that block progress toward marriage. From experience, it's worthwhile and important to receive guidance and the strength to do so in the best way possible."

Do you have a message for girls stuck in the matchmaking process?

"My message is singular and unique: 'When you ask yourself: Why hasn't my match come yet,' remind yourself that, in most cases, the answer isn't found where you think it is. Instead, it's in other places that usually reside in the subconscious and sometimes in deeper parts of the soul. From my personal experience and with trainees, those willing to find the courage and confront their true inner self, painful as it may be, will find the path to salvation easier and closer."

"And even if you reached out for help and feel it didn't aid you, don't despair. Pray to Hashem to guide you to the best coaching / guidance / therapy for you that will turn out well for you. By your next birthday, with Hashem's help, you too can be a wife and mother."

Contact Tzivia: likrat26@gmail.com