Larger Than Life: A Farewell Letter to Nina Cohen-Benayim z"l

Today, completely 'by chance,' I discovered that you are no longer here...

You have moved from this world to a world that is all good. A world where you are a wonderful mother to your own children – just as you always dreamed and wished. A world where your body is completely free of cancerous metastases, and the last MRI is revealed to be a fraudulent and misleading lie.

Dear Nina,

Parting from you is extremely difficult for me, and no – I do not know what to say in such cases. No one taught me how to say goodbye to great people like you, people whose torch of faith and joy accompanied them until their very last day. Even though we never met, and due to life’s race – I regrettably had few conversations with you, but from the little I was fortunate to know you, your soul is as deep as the sea, your good heart, your lofty virtues, and your noble spirit – even in her greatest moments of crisis, she never forgot the sorrow of others – I felt that in you I found a kindred spirit.

Up until only seven months ago, we were still making plans for a better future, and in my mind's eye I already saw the energetic and mischievous little ones running to your feet and calling you lovingly "Mom." Now I sit in an empty room, listening to our recorded conversations, during which you unfolded the story of your life with its captivating insights. And the heart... simply refuses to comprehend. Refuses to understand that the rolling laughter, the voice filled with faith, the hopes for a bright future - all this has become a matter of the past. And the living, breathing, dreaming, loving, aspiring person that you were – remains a memory of whatwas.

Nina on her wedding day

And although I knew that somewhere on the distant horizon there was a possibility that one day you would no longer be among us, I did not imagine our farewell would be like this – before I had the chance to know and appreciate the wonderful soul I found in you. I did not imagine everything would end like this.

Yes, it is true that 'death' was always there as a possibility. We knew it was lurking around the corner, willing to exercise patience for the right opportunity. But to whom does death not wait, really? A day less, a decade more... just like me, no one thought it might happen to you so quickly, and just now.

Two days before the holiday of freedom.

I remember how you said to me, in a tone filled with mission: "Shira, what is our life if not faith? This is the time to believe, there is no other time."

"I know that the damage to my health is a strong signal to truly return to Him, as it should," you concluded your words to me. Being a penitent for 13 years, I have heard dozens and hundreds of talks of faith even before I met you. Certainly, many made me strengthen spiritually and draw closer to Hashem – some remained with me for moments, others for days, and some for years. But only a few were able not only to ignite a warm fire of love for Hashem in my heart, as a conversation with you did, but also to keep it there as an eternal flame.

People from the outside might be amazed at these words of mine, and say that I did not really know you. And they are right, because indeed – how can one truly know a whole world, a person with life wisdom, noble virtues and a deep ambition in two or three conversations?

Nevertheless, if I may reveal – with you, a little quantity became a high quality. I managed to learn so many insights from you in the two or three soul conversations that we had. I was amazed by the way you related to the brain tumor that was gnawing at you, robbing you of sleep, and chiseling prayer words from the blood of your heart.

"It is not a brain tumor, but a greatness of mind," you told me. That evil villain succeeded in drawing out the greatest closeness to Hashem that could exist, and even in the hardest moments – you did not agree to surrender. "It was then that I understood how much I depend on the Creator of the world and His mercies, and were it not for Him – no one could really help me. Within a week and a half in the hospital, I began to reevaluate the life given to me and understand the decay of the body and the lie of 'My strength and the power of my hand,' that I became accustomed to during my life. From Him – only to Him did I flee."

***

In two days, the Passover Seder will take place, but you will celebrate it in an entirely different manner, my dear.

This Passover – your soul will wear bright shining garments and will enter the treasure chamber of the king of kings, Hashem. There, in that wonderful place, you will no longer have to fight anyone. There, everyone is your loving companion, and not one enemy will be among them. There you will meet the wonderful souls of your children – the children you so wanted to bring into the world and raise during your lifetime.

There you will also see the magnificent treasures that Hashem kept under tight guard: your tears, from which Hashem sits and sews the garment of Israel's redemption.  

This Passover your prayers were answered, and you have moved from enslavement to true freedom: No more invasive tests by learning interns, no more frightened glances from under the hospital blanket, no more painful pricks in your living flesh, no more dark circles under your eyes, no more sleepless restless nights, no more!!!

This Passover you have managed to leap over all the evil you knew in this difficult trial and receive only the good henceforth. Not in terms we are 'accustomed' to think about here in this physical world, but as it's already been said: 'Better is a day of death than the day of birth.'

You are free now to leap and flourish, like a fledging bird from tree to tree. Your song, which you sang to the world in a form of public blessing, by telling your moving story - will continue to be sung for many days. I always thought you were 'larger than life,' and today I understand how right I was. For greatness such as yours cannot be measured or quantified. So great were you, in your faith and the joy of your life, that even life itself could not overcome you...

Rest in peace, dear friend, and rejoice that among all the beautiful things you did in your life, among all the peaks you managed to conquer and the achievements that you marked with a check - you also merited to see with your own eyes, how the aspiration you wanted more than anything was fulfilled. "My greatest aspiration today is to teach other girls from my experience, to focus on what is important in life and not on nonsense," you told me a year ago, at the end of our interview. "A woman has a very strong inner strength, and every woman can help herself, in any difficulty she experiences in life. How? First of all, faith - believe in the one who created you. When you have faith in Him, you will have faith in yourself, and only from such faith – the victory will be strong and indisputable. Only from such a place does healing occur, and only from there does salvation come. 'The salvation of Hashem comes in a blink of an eye' is not just a verse, it is a true reality."

Farewell, dear. May your memory be blessed, Amen. 

***

And what should those left here nevertheless do, those who are chosen for another day of life? Nina's 'will' is clear and unequivocal: We must repent, and quickly. There is no time. Not even one extra minute.             

A reassessment of our course is imperative – we must clarify what matters in life, and not live as if 'there is no tomorrow.' The tomorrow will come, and each one will bring with it the same message before rising to the heavenly court, to submit an accurate account of their life. 'Did you establish regular times for Torah, did you conduct your business with integrity?'.

What exactly did you do with the 60–70–80 years given to you in the best case? Did you use the days for spirit and not only for material, did you strive to understand the messages sent to you, did you do something tangible and practical, with all the truths you found on your way? The answer is clear to all of us, and all we have to do is promise Nina and all who suffer here in the world from any illnesses and pains - that 'There is reward for their work.' That they do not suffer in vain for all of Israel, that their tears do not flow in vain...

Nina is not the first to succumb to the horrible disease, but she could definitely be the last if we cry to Hashem loudly enough, and tell Him that we understood the message. If we are brave enough to leave the trail of fears trailing behind us and continue to face faith in Him earnestly. Undoubtedly, the people of Israel, both collectively and individually, are undergoing a challenging journey to discover the truth. Let us acknowledge that we have already sustained enough losses, enough sacrifices made on the altar of waiting for redemption.

Let us make a definitive decision to carry out Nina’s will, signed in the blood of her days and nights. In the blood of her prayers, she cried for herself as well as for Israel. Let us prove to her that this Passover, it will become a true freedom - one that arises solely from faith in Hashem, and the joyous observance of the commandments. And behold these are the last words she left behind...

To read the full interview with Nina Cohen-Benayim z"l, on the Hidabroot website 

Psalms for the Elevation of the Soul of Nina daughter of Chava (from Psalm 119 according to the letters of her name):

Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. I have sworn and I confirm, to keep your righteous judgments. I am very afflicted; Lord, give me life according to your word. Accept, please, the offerings of my mouth, Lord, and teach me your judgments.

My soul is continually in my hand, yet I have not forgotten your law. The wicked have laid a snare for me, yet I erred not from your precepts. I have inherited your testimonies forever; for they are the rejoicing of my heart. I have inclined my heart to perform your statutes, forever, even unto the end.

Your hands have made me and fashioned me; give me understanding, that I may learn your commandments. Those who fear you will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in your word. I know, Lord, that your judgments are right, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your mercy rest upon me to comfort me, according to your word unto your servant.
Let your mercies come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight.
Let the proud be put to shame, for they have warped falsehood against me; but I will meditate in your precepts.
Let those who fear you turn to me, and those who have known your testimonies.
Let my heart be undivided towards your statutes, that I be not ashamed.

Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. I have sworn and I confirmed, to keep your righteous judgments. I am very afflicted; Lord, make me live according to your word. Accept, please, the free offerings of my mouth, Lord, and teach me your judgments.
My soul is in my hand continually; yet I do not forget your law. The wicked have laid a trap for me; but I did not wander from your precepts. I have inherited your testimonies forever, for they are the joy of my heart. I have inclined my heart to perform your statutes forever and ever.

Teach me, Lord, the way of your statutes, and I shall keep them diligently. Give me understanding, and I shall keep your law; indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart. Make me walk in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at vanity, and make me live in your way. Establish your word to your servant, who is devoted to fearing you. Pass away my reproach which I dread, for your judgments are good. Behold, I long for your precepts; in your righteousness, make me live.