Teshuva for Couples: Rabbinic Guidance on Returning to Torah with Balance and Clarity

Shalom, My name is Eyal. I’ll share briefly: I grew up in a traditional family but did not keep Torah and mitzvot at all. At 16, I strengthened my faith and entered a yeshiva for baalei teshuva in Jerusalem very quickly — until I left at 18 to join the army. Since then, I lost all connection to Judaism (even though in yeshiva I was diligent and committed, convinced that I would never lose my faith or observance).

I am almost sure this happened because I jumped from “nothing to everything” too fast.

Now my partner and I are in Australia. The experiences we’re having and our reflections on creation and on the nature of our people compared to the nations awaken many questions — whose answer all points to one thing: the truth of the Creator and His holy Torah.

My girlfriend has no religious background at all, and our question is how do we return to complete and genuine teshuva together? What steps should we take? Should we marry first and then strengthen our observance? Or strengthen our observance first and then marry?

And at what pace should we begin serving Hashem — so that we do not lose our direction or our goal?

It’s important to us to emphasize that we have no interest in “half service of Hashem.” We want this to be full and true, but we are afraid that acting too quickly might actually be the yetzer hara misleading us.

Thank you in advance.

* * *

Shalom and blessings,

There is no doubt that you must move forward step by step, not in big leaps. As people say: “Slow, but certain.”

You should already accept upon yourselves the goal of eventually keeping the complete Torah and mitzvot, as you wrote. But in practice, you should observe mitzvot in stages.

Rabbeinu Yonah writes in Shaarei Teshuva that when someone commits to full observance and begins gradually, it is considered as if he is already keeping the entire Torah.

The Core Foundations

Begin with the fundamental pillars:

• Shabbat observance

• Kosher food

• Family purity (Taharat HaMishpacha)

• Fasting on Yom Kippur

• Avoiding chametz on Pesach

If even this full package is difficult at first, keep them gradually, adding more as you stabilize. Once you feel strong and consistent in these areas, move to the next level:

• Prayer

• Tefillin

• Blessings

• Daily Torah learning

• And so on.

What About Marriage?

In my humble opinion, the best path is that both of you begin strengthening in mitzvot together. After several months, if you see that your growth is aligned and there are no major gaps in religious direction, then get married.

This builds a stable, unified spiritual foundation for the home you will create.

Wishing you tremendous success.