The Beginner's Guide: How to Respect Non-Religious Parents

Honoring parents is a supreme value, but because a person's parents are available to him daily, he often loses the understanding of the importance of honoring them. The Gemara states, "There are three partners in the creation of a person: Hashem, his father, and his mother." Rabbi Zamir Cohen explains that when a mother or father asks a child for something, it's like a divine revelation because Hashem, his father, and his mother are of equal importance to the child. Only when parents instruct their child to do something against halacha, the Gemara rules that one must obey Hashem's commandments, because both the parents and the child are obliged to honor Him.

When a person succeeds in honoring his parents, he is personally built from it- he develops gratitude, humility, and concession. This is even true if the parent is difficult or has invested nothing in the children.

We will never manage to 'fix' our parents because it is impossible to change another person. It's difficult enough for someone to change themselves after many years of effort and labor and therefore changing someone else is unrealistic.

When it's difficult to get along with a stranger, we can detach from them, but we are unable to disconnect fully from our parents. Below are some tips to deal with the array of conflicts that arise between teenagers becoming closer to Judaism and parents who are currently distant:

1. Forgive – Even the best parents make mistakes. We must develop the muscle of compassion and remember that they are allowed to make mistakes, and that they are human beings just like us.

2. Pray – Pray to Hashem to impart wisdom and understanding to us and to our parents so that we can live together in love, harmony, and without anger or stress.

3. Seek guidance – It is very important to consult with someone for guidance. This can be the rabbi whose Torah class you attend, or a counselor, teacher, or guide. Ideally, contact someone who knows you personally.

4. Understand the parent – Understand that a father is often stressed because he works hard to bring in livelihood, and when he comes home from a long day, it's difficult to need to argue with a child about every little thing. Similarly, a mother is busy for the family's sake and sometimes only absorbs criticism from her adolescent children.

5. Respect the parent – Simply start, and continue without pause, to respect your father and mother,

a. Treat your parents as if they were very respected individuals, even if they are not. Show them you respect them, that their opinion matters to you, and that you try your best to comply with them.

b. Speak to your parents in a soft and pleasant tone. The Gemara in Bava Metzia (page 58b) teaches us that causing pain through words is worse than causing economic harm. It is more severe to deprive someone of their joy and honor than their money. We would never deceive our mother, yet too often harsh words escape us when we speak.

c. Honor your parents by always calling them "Dad" or "Mom." It is not respectful to use their first names. It is also not respectful to disturb them during sleep or sit in their designated seats—in the home, synagogue, or any other public place.

d. Offer your parents food and drink with a pleasant expression. Greet them when they come home, and escort them to the door when they leave.

It is important to remember that we must not expect immediate results. Parents should be respected at all costs, even if no significant change is visible at home. Such processes take time to develop and each person must do what is required of them to gradually see the results reflected in the behavior of others.