Successful Talk with a Teenager

A quick task before we start: try to remember, how much and about what did you talk yesterday with your teenager?...

Think about what came up. Was the conversation between you enjoyable and light-hearted?! A talk of understanding and solving dilemmas? Or maybe just short sentences of commands/instructions, light grunts? Perhaps a deep conversation that stretched into the night?

Think about it for a moment. Usually, most of our conversations with the kids at home (or the students in class) are not planned. The conversations catch us in between... during the class lesson, and at home - between showers, during dinner, or just before leaving the house.

These "conversations" might actually include only instructions or remarks. Instructions like "Don’t forget to tidy up your room", "Please pick up the little one from kindergarten", and in class – "Remember to do your homework", or – "The test is important. Study well". Or remarks like "Stop your nonsense"; "Why are you teaching them such things?"; "I've told you a million times that..." (so what help will the million and first time do?!...); "This time you’ve overdone it, with the clothes, the shopping, the friends"; "We can't deal with this anymore". And in class - "Why aren't you dressed in uniform?"; "Late again?"; or "I expect more from you...".

A lot of pain or misunderstanding that has accumulated is thrown into the open from emotional overflow, wonder, or resentment.

A disagreement begins at the door. On one foot, each side tries to blurt out everything they feel, just to release, without any intention of hearing the other side. And then what? The words were said, some more pleasant, most less. A new scar is created, and each continues their own way.

"Why did I say that?"; "Maybe I should have expressed myself more gently"; "Now she knows they told me where she was, and she won't trust anyone..."; "I didn't mean to make her so angry".

A bitter taste remains. And also, hand on heart, we haven't achieved anything. Nothing good comes from talking "from the gut", without planning. Nothing good comes from talking when "it just happened to talk", without intending to sit down for an orderly conversation.

No one understands the other side when things are said this way. On the contrary, such conversation sharpens the gap, the misunderstanding, and the distance, and adds another layer to the wall built between the sides.

To avoid getting into a whirlpool of an unsuccessful conversation:

1. It's highly recommended to prepare for the conversation - think carefully about exactly what I want to say in it, what messages to convey and how.
2. It's important to set the time for the conversation in advance. This way, both sides are emotionally free for the talk and look forward to it. Additionally, this way the words are said with consideration, and listening is not done impatiently.

Try it. You'll be surprised to discover how many things you didn’t know about your child. You'll be surprised to see how attentive and understanding they are, and how the conversation will be beneficial and lead to closeness, understanding, and change.

Trapped in the Net - A Practical Workshop on Coping with Media Challenges with the Etgar Department. etgar@htv.co.il