Rediscovering Her Voice: A Musical Journey Through Postpartum Depression

I never thought postpartum depression would look like this. I also never thought it could happen to me — so for a full year I pushed it down, didn’t take care of myself, and I was sure it would pass.”
These are the words of singer and creator Liad Alon, who at the time was far from any world of singing or creativity.

“I come from a very musical home,” she begins. “My father is a music teacher — he has a studio and he also teaches music in schools. My mother works as a classical pianist. Music was always part of our home, and already at age 13, when I first started playing guitar, I also began composing songs, writing, and publishing them — because it was simply part of who I am.”

To many people around her, the next step seemed obvious: it was clear the musical teenager would become a singer and creator. But precisely at that stage, she stopped — and life led her to places she never imagined she’d reach.

A Surprising Turn

“I got married at 21,” Liad says, “and shortly afterward I discovered I was pregnant. In those days I started feeling tremendous pressure. Today I know it’s possible there was a connection between the feelings that accompanied me in the later months of pregnancy and the depression that came after the birth, but back then I didn’t connect the dots at all. I just remember feeling very anxious that I was about to become a mother, while I hadn’t earned any degree and hadn’t really fulfilled myself.

“At that time I decided to leave the world of music and playing — something I assumed that, as a religious woman, could only be a hobby for me and not something I could make a living from. I began studying for a bachelor’s degree in social sciences, while also anticipating the upcoming birth.”

After the birth, Liad began to feel that something wasn’t quite right, but she struggled to explain it, because on the outside everything looked perfect. “From the moment my baby girl came into the world, I loved her very much. I was a functioning mother and I did everything that needed to be done — exactly by the book. But inside my heart I felt like I wasn’t really there — that I was moving through life shut down, that I wasn’t myself,” she explains. “Even to myself, and to the people closest to me, I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling.”

Liad takes a deep breath. Even though many years have passed, it’s clear it isn’t easy for her to return to that difficult time. “In hindsight,” she says, “I think people could see I wasn’t behaving like myself — more irritable and more sensitive. But everyone thought it would pass, and so did I. Only when a year had passed since the birth did I start being exposed to information about postpartum depression, and understand that it doesn’t always have to be extreme, and it can show up differently for each woman. I was in a very intense emotional storm, until one day I simply told my husband out loud, ‘I think something isn’t right and I want to check it.’ And finally I allowed myself to go for an evaluation through my health fund.”

According to Liad, the diagnosis didn’t really tell her anything new. “But what they told me afterward felt like living water. They explained that the symptoms I’d experienced over the past year including a loss of meaning, and the feeling that motherhood was supposedly taking away who I am, are part of depression. But it can be treated, because it’s something chemical that happens in the brain and it isn’t my fault. There’s no need to suffer, because there are solutions and ways out. After that I went to therapy sessions that helped a lot, and I also took medication for a short period. I went through a process, and thank God I came out of it. Looking back, it was one of the things that brought me closer to the Creator and connected me to Him.”

Choosing Life

Four years after she emerged from the depression, Liad gave birth to her second daughter, and later two more children were added.
“Every birth came with fears — especially a high awareness around depression,” she notes. “I asked the people around me to check whether I seemed different than usual, whether I was saying harsh things, or whether there were any warning signs. My husband mainly took on the role of noticing — but thank God, the depression didn’t return. I didn’t experience it again, neither before the births nor afterward.”

And yet, other challenges accompanied her. “I didn’t feel whole with myself. I didn’t love what I was doing. Even though I was very successful in education and supervision, deep down I knew I wasn’t truly fulfilling what I wanted,” she explains.

What about music — did you think of returning to it?

“My heart definitely wanted to. But it felt impossible, because I didn’t dare to make the change and leave a stable job to create songs. So I would release songs only once in a while, just so I’d feel I wasn’t abandoning the field completely, and at the same time I tried writing for other artists — but each time I saw it wasn’t leading anywhere.

“At a certain point I decided to make one last attempt at sending songs to artists, hoping they would ‘agree’ to sing them. Specifically then I got surprising responses from singers — for example, the singer Leah Shabbat wrote to me: ‘I don’t understand why you’re sending me the material — you need to sing it yourself, because you sing amazingly.’ Other singers responded similarly. For a moment it lit a spark in me — maybe they’re right, maybe I really can become a singer.”

Then COVID entered their lives, and for Liad it became a turning point, and the straw that broke the camel’s back. “During that period I suddenly had time to think. I remember asking myself honestly: ‘If COVID really spreads and causes the world to stop, and God forbid everything ends — how would you sum up your life? Did you live the way you wanted? Did you fulfill your abilities and carry out the mission God meant for you in the world?’ I was honest enough to admit to myself: no. I don’t feel like I’m walking the path the Creator laid out for me. From that moment I knew I couldn’t continue with routine. I had to make a meaningful change and return to music with full strength, because that’s where I find my purpose. To do it properly, I turned to an emotional counselor who accompanied me with the right conversations and guidance. That began a path that lasted a year, until the moment I finally left my workplace for good.”

Simply Living

Unlike leaving education — which was hard, Liad says that fulfilling the dream of singing wasn’t complicated for her at all, because she already had many written and composed songs waiting in her “drawer,” just waiting for the moment they would see the light.

The first song she released was called “Lichyot” (“To Live”), and in its chorus she sings: “I want to live in quiet, because I’ve had enough of what I went through. I know how to get up again — so just reach out your steady hand, and the road will be short.”

Another song, “Tagid Li” (“Tell Me”), speaks about the miscarriages she experienced before her fourth birth, with Liad singing and asking simply: “Heal me.” 

“Women often approach me after performances and tell me that the song touched their hearts especially because of the honesty,” she says. “But what’s interesting is that when I ask what they connected to, it turns out each woman took it to a different place — feeling the words touched a different crisis or struggle in her own life. It hurts me to hear the stories and the sharing. Mostly I try to listen, and tell them it can be good — and that they deserve for it to be good, because I truly believe every one of us deserves a happy life. We all have the right to live with full strength and vitality. That’s what I sing again and again in my songs.”

It sounds like in your songs you’re speaking directly to the Creator…

“Yes, exactly. That’s the connecting thread through all of them, because the essence of all the songs is prayer. In general, in those days — precisely because of what I went through, I found myself praying more than ever: that I succeed on this new path, that the children won’t be harmed by the fact that there are periods when I’m performing and recording and seeing them less, and most of all, that I merit to strengthen others and be a good messenger. I feel God is with me throughout the way — helping me move forward, and also giving me calm on the family level when I see that the people at home are happy, they’re doing well, and even in stressful times they understand that when Mom is joyful, fulfilled, and realizing herself, in the end it’s good for them too.”

During the month of Elul, Liad finds herself singing and speaking about Elul, moving from one performance to the next. “I feel this is my mission,” she explains. “To take the gifts the Creator gave me and use them to do good for others — to encourage and bring joy. When I come home from a performance and know I helped women start the year on the right foot, I know I’m on the right path.

“I’ve always been a woman of faith,” she adds, “but since I made this professional change, I feel how much my faith has strengthened more than ever. Because I feel closer to God, and when I wake up in the morning and say ‘Modeh Ani,’ it’s easy for me to focus on the words — toward a new day in which I’ll do what I love and bring good to others.

“And this is also my chance to recommend to anyone reading these words and dreaming of change in her life: look at it closely, and if it’s possible — don’t be afraid to do it. Because there is nothing better and more fulfilling than being involved in something you love and connect to. That is our role in the world — to fulfill our mission. May we merit it.”