Finding the Motivation Within: Supporting Our Kids in Learning

"I don't mind sitting down to study, but when they tell me to go to the yeshiva just because the head of school is there, it kills all my motivation," says David. He's always been like this. He wants to do what he should, but only if the desire comes from within him, not from external pressure. As a child, he wanted to try everything himself, to understand every instruction. His parents learned to speak to him in this language, to explain, to convince, to make him want to do it himself. When he takes on a task, like helping at home, he does it well. But when asked to do it—he doesn't want to. He's not rebellious; he loves the rules and connects with them, but only in a way and under conditions that he understands. He's drawn to unique things; for example, studying a different tractate than what's being covered in the yeshiva is far more interesting to him. In the subjects that interest him, he's attentive to details and nuances, while in "ordinary" matters, he misses details that others would easily notice.

It seems his ADHD manifests not only in a lack of focus but also in a broader lack of awareness of what's happening around him. For instance, as a child, he might bother his siblings and miss the signs that one of them "has reached their limit." On the other hand, at other times he is so sensitive to others, noticing every sign of joy or distress. When he manages to follow the yeshiva's rules for extended periods, he begins to feel an inner sadness. Previously, this would lead him to push boundaries every few months. Not to rebel, but to stop functioning orderly. Nowadays, he can maintain it for longer, but he tries to understand why it causes him sadness.

Reflecting on the giving of the Torah can help us try to understand him. The giving of the Torah comprised two elements: desire and obligation. The element of desire — Hashem offered the Torah to Israel, and they spontaneously replied "Na'aseh V'Nishma" ("We will do and we will hear"). So spontaneous that it's unclear what they intended to "do" before they knew what was required... and the element of obligation — "Hashem held the mountain over them like a canopy, saying: if you accept the Torah, excellent; if not, there will be your burial." Desire and obligation, two opposing forces.

Desire and obligation are two "functions" that exist in the human soul. Desire stems from one's inner self, from personal choice. Obligation is the ability (and the need) to do things because they must be done, because there is no other option. If we consider the expression "against his will," we can understand it implies a psychological "component" of necessity, and this action is performed upon that component. Was the Torah given based on the component of desire or the component of necessity? The Sages say that Israel "gave precedence to their mouths over their ears." The role of the "mouth" is to bring information from inside out, and the "ear" to bring information from outside in. Israel prioritized the power of the mouth—their desire that things originated from them—over the power of the ear—the need to receive information and instructions from outside. This is a powerful force that can be used for better or worse. But Hashem didn't want the acceptance of the Torah to rest on one foot alone; He added the element of necessity, the mountain held over them.

There are people who naturally prefer the mouth over the ear, in that sense they want things to come from within themselves, from their free will, not from cost-benefit considerations. They want to try on their own and rely less on others' experiences. They tend to be more speakers than listeners. This inclination has both advantages and disadvantages: potential positive impacts include authenticity, honesty, dedication, creativity, originality, independence. However, there are also disadvantages—such as listening more to their internal world and less to the external world—to their environment and instructions—when there is no internal interest in them; a heightened need for uniqueness that may lead to less integration into society and trying to "reinvent the wheel"; instability and feeling of emptiness when relying on the ear's necessity power over the mouth's freedom and desire power for long periods. Such people need more "seasoning of the mouth." When aware of this tendency and not trying to deny it, when understanding its advantages and disadvantages are two sides of the same coin, they strive to express their uniqueness within a stable framework. For instance, they treat integration into a framework as a personal choice and not just a social constraint, while also maintaining times/content/things that express their free will.

Haim Dayan is a clinical social worker and doctoral candidate, Chairman of the Attention Institute.