How Can I Be Happy for Him if I'm Jealous?

The Dilemma

Moshe opens the invitation that arrived in his mailbox and a pang of jealousy pierces his heart. The invitation is from his friend David, inviting him to his youngest son's wedding. Moshe's own youngest son -- no longer so young --- has been looking for the "right one" for years. Moshe tries to feel happy for his friend but it's not easy. His heart contracts and the painful question, "Why him and not me?" passes through his mind.

It's not just an emotional problem -- Moshe is very conflicted about whether to attend the wedding. If he goes, it will only stir up his feelings of jealousy and what's more, all his smiles and "Mazal Tov" wishes will be fake. He can't stand the idea of being such a hypocrite. But David is an old friend from years back. How can he not go?

The Torah Response

Moshe's sensitivity to the issues involved is a credit to him. This isn't a simple question, as ideally, we should all do what we can to uproot feelings of jealousy we have toward others, and if going to the wedding will make that harder, that's something to take into account. 

On the other hand, if David will be hurt at Moshe's absence (as seems likely), that too should be considered.

One practical solution is to follow the Torah's teaching that, "Emotions are influenced by actions." That is to say, if Moshe goes to the wedding and pastes a huge smile on his face and embraces his friend with warmth, he'll start to feel genuinely happy for his friend, even if he fakes it at first.  Certainly if he has the best of intentions in "being a hypocrite" then Hashem will help him to overcome his hard feelings and rejoice in his friend's celebration.

Even if he doesn't succeed in entirely overcoming his jealousy, if he does succeed in making his friend happy with his presence, then that is still a mitzvah, and of course, he should take the opportunity to ask his friend for a blessing that very soon, they will dance at his own son's wedding.

From the book "Man's Duty in His World - Character Trait Issues for the Shabbat Table."