How to Cope with Chronic Pain: A Balanced Approach to Emotional and Physical Well-Being

Occasionally, a person suffering from chronic pain discovers that the pain has become a “program”. Without minimizing the severity of the pain or the suffering it causes, it has become a predictable routine to the extent that every evening, they sit on the couch and complain about their pain.

In such cases, the person may struggle to let go of these complaints, which become central to their self-image and their experience of the chronic pain. The complaints feel like an integral part of daily life, making it hard to imagine life without them.

When that’s the case, it may be helpful to artificially introduce change. This is done by setting aside two specific evenings a week as “complaint time”, where the person intentionally sits down to express their discomfort. On the remaining days, they intentionally choose another activity. The idea is not to suppress the pain but to set boundaries around how and when it dominates their mental space.

It might sound strange to plan complaints, but sometimes a small “artificial” structure can lead to real-life breakthroughs.

Not everything “artificial” is bad. We routinely set artificial times to feel real emotions, such as weddings, where we schedule joy in advance; or Shabbat dinners, which are scheduled weekly, yet filled with genuine warmth. These moments are not fake, but create a framework to let real emotions flourish.

The same is true for pain. A person living with chronic pain can create designated times to express their feelings, and, just as importantly, choose times to focus on other things. This helps them recognize that life holds meaning beyond the pain.

This does not mean denying the pain, but about shifting the narrative. Constant complaining can frustrate loved ones and reinforce a mindset in which the pain becomes a general worldview that can lead to despair and depression.

By focusing instead on the positive aspects of life, the person begins to reframe their pain, keeping it in proportion rather than letting it define their identity. It's important to speak with oneself and others about other aspects of life: “I had a beautiful morning”, “The class I attended was really insightful”, “The prayer today was very moving”.

These aren’t empty words. They express real moments of small but significant light and help shift attention to what’s uplifting, even when those moments seem minor.

The Ramban (Nachmanides) reflects a similar idea in his commentary on Genesis 23:19, regarding the death of Sarah. He notes how, even amid Abraham’s profound grief, we see G-d’s kindness: Abraham was respected as a “prince of G-d” among strangers and was able to bury his wife with dignity. Even in tragedy, one can recognize divine kindness.

Befriending the Pain

Another approach is to “befriend” the pain. In moments of pain, a person can sit or lie down and focus on deep relaxation breathing: Inhale through the nose, hold it gently, and exhale slowly through the mouth. Repeat this for a minute or two, while focusing attention on the pain.

Rather than fighting the pain and asking “When will this end?” or “I can’t take this anymore,” the person tries feeling the pain without fear. This won’t erase the pain, but it may communicate a subtle yet powerful message to the subconscious: Yes, the pain is there. But I am not afraid of it. It bothers me, but it does not defeat me.

This creates a major psychological shift that acknowledges that the pain is there, but the person is bigger and stronger than the pain. They do not need to run from it, because they can hold it.

Avoiding Extremes

Whichever coping strategy one adopts, the key is to avoid extremes.

Often, people swing between two extremes:

1. Total surrender- giving up, sinking into self-pity, removing themselves from responsibilities, and losing self-worth.

2. Total denial- refusing to slow down, forcing themselves to function exactly as before, hiding the pain, and rejecting help.

Both extremes are damaging- the healthy path is balance.

It’s okay to feel occasional self-pity, to cry, to be frustrated, and even angry. Sometimes those feelings are part of healthy processing. Alongside this, it's important to recognize limitations and make realistic compromises, based on reassessing priorities.

The golden path is a balance between self-compassion and functional living.

Adapting Lifestyle and Expectations

Sometimes, chronic pain is not caused by lifestyle, but is sustained by it. Our routines and expectations can trap us in frustration.

For example, if you start your day with a long to-do list, but life throws interruptions your way such as emergencies, delays, or unexpected tasks, you may end the day exhausted, but disappointed that you didn’t meet your goals.

Expectations are important to the extent that they provide purpose, motivation, and energy. Unrealistic expectations however, lead to burnout, frustration, and guilt.

This is true for chronic pain as well. It is unrealistic for a person to expect to live a “perfect” life without pain, but they can learn to function meaningfully alongside the pain.

Living with chronic pain doesn’t require giving up on life. It calls for making gentle, wise, and compassionate adjustments, to accommodate both your limits and your strengths.