How to Forgive and Heal Emotional Pain: A Step-by-Step Guide for Relationships

The month of Elul is known in Jewish tradition as the month of mercy and forgiveness- a time when G-d is especially close to us and invites us to return to Him. Just as we long for divine forgiveness, we are also expected to forgive one another and foster unconditional love between people.

Why is it so hard to forgive, and how can we learn to do it?

Yosef and Ruti have been married for about five years. Ruti noticed that whenever they visited Yosef’s parents for Shabbat, his mother would prepare a tray of homemade cakes on Saturday night and hand it to Yosef with the words: “Here, this is for you- something sweet from Mom.”

Ruti felt hurt every time, but she never mentioned it to Yosef because she thought it was childish to be bothered by something so small. She tried to move past the pain on her own, but deep down, she was in turmoil. The unspoken hurt grew into frustration and resentment and eventually, she couldn’t even bring herself to visit Yosef’s parents anymore.

Why Did This Happen?

We often try to use logic to dismiss emotional pain. The rational mind says, “Come on, that’s nothing to get upset about”, but emotions don’t work that way. When the hurt is real, it lingers, and when the thoughts won’t stop circling, frustration builds on top of the pain.

What Can We Do?

Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain

Don’t deny or minimize it. Suppressing emotions by trying to shove them into a dark corner of the heart never works. Imagine the pain as a rough, heavy black lump weighing 5 kilograms. Everyone carries one of these inside them, shaped by wounds or painful feelings from past experiences. To truly forgive, we have to make space for the pain, look it in the eye, and speak to it: “Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m hurt. I’m allowed to feel this way. What happened really did hurt me.”

Step 2: Identify What Hurt You

What exactly hurt Ruti? Was it that Yosef’s mom gave him the cakes? Or was it that Yosef didn’t say anything to correct her or suggest that the cakes were for both of them? Ruti may have expected him to speak up and say, “This is for us”. What she felt wasn’t just sadness- it was disrespect. She felt overlooked.

Step 3: Question the Assumption

Now comes a powerful shift: Ask yourself, is this really about me?
Was the action truly meant to insult or belittle me? This step helps us create emotional distance from the event and the person who caused the hurt. It allows us to start viewing things from a broader perspective, rather than taking everything personally.

Step 4: See the Other Side

Only after Ruti had expressed her pain, named it, acknowledged it, and accepted her feelings, was she able to begin to consider what may have motivated Yosef’s mom.

Yosef is an only child and his mother is simply accustomed to speaking to him this way. She never disrespected Ruti or meant to exclude her. Since Yosef was little, she always made cakes for him as a way of staying connected and showing love.

Once Ruti understood that it had nothing to do with the way her mother-in-law feels about her, her anger and pain melted away. She could forgive, feel empathy, and stop taking it personally. Of course, she and Yosef enjoyed the cookies together!

Yael Elmaliach is an emotional therapist.