Are You a Fly or a Butterfly?

A few weeks ago, I gave a lecture at a seminar organized by one of the major charity organizations for people who work with and care for elderly individuals in nursing homes. As usually happens, several people approached me after the lecture wanting to share, talk, and ask questions. One of them accompanied me all the way out to my car. He was a young married man who appeared to be healthy and well-adjusted, but when he opened his mouth, the entire picture changed.

This is what he said to me: "Rabbi, look, you tell your story and people are impressed by your struggle to maintain your faith and they get all inspired in their own lives. But, to be honest, it's not all that impressive to overcome challenges when you have such a supportive and loving mother. I didn't have a mother like that, so how was I expected to cope? I mean," he quickly corrected himself, "I have a mother; she's still alive, but you can't really say she was a 'mother.' She wasn't a mother and I didn't have a childhood. I don't remember even once receiving a kind word or a hug from her. I never felt that she loved me. What can I tell you, Rabbi Margalit? You overcame many difficulties, and as far as most people can see, I didn't go through anything, but I can tell you that if I had the chance to trade places with you, there's no question that I would! It's worth going through a childhood full of difficulties in order to have a mother."

I looked at him in shock at the intensity of his words, feeling so very sorry for him. It's certainly not easy to grow up with a mother who doesn't provide any maternal love. When he finished pouring out his heart, I said to him: "Listen, my friend, in every home there are flies and there are also butterflies. Flies always look for garbage, wounds, and filth, and focus on them, while butterflies look for flowers and nectar, and focus on them. In every home there are hardships as well as beautiful things, and only you can decide what to focus on. You can be a fly and spend your entire life in filth, or you can choose to be a butterfly and flutter among flowers. It's up to you.

"I'm not disputing the fact that you had a difficult childhood. But are you really sure that there were no good moments? That you never, even once, saw an expression of your mother's love for you? Did your mother not cook your meals and wash your clothes? Unfortunately, there are mothers who don't do even these basic things, so she had a choice. She didn't have to do anything for you, and she did do something.

"You would have liked her to do more. You wanted a hug, an embrace, and you didn't get it. That's painful and children do need these things. But you can choose to look beneath the surface and find clues that your mother did love you, despite the lack of clear outward signs. It's up to you."

Unfortunately, the young man was not comforted by my words. "Rabbi Aharon, is that all you have to say? I thought at least you, of all people, would understand me!" he cried.

"I do understand you," I said gently. "I'm also inviting you to take responsibility, to take your life into your hands. It's a waste to live in the past, a past you have painted in such dark colors. You can face forward, focus on your own children, and make sure that you give them what you would have wanted for yourself. You can take what you went through and use it for good. Perhaps, you wouldn't be aware of the importance of showing affection if you hadn't missed it yourself."

I don't know how this story ends, but I do know that each of us, if we just decide to look up and see the good we have – and in every situation there is a lot of good to find – we can move forward. It all depends on our perspective.