The Power of True Friendship: Rabbi Noah Weinberg on Choosing Friends Wisely

“When buying a car, you examine a few important features- safety, cost, engine life, fuel efficiency, service...Before signing the deal, you make sure you’re getting the best value possible. Choosing a friend should involve the same level of care.”

This is the way Rabbi Noah Weinberg opens his tenth column in the 48 Ways to Wisdom, based on the teachings of our sages in Pirkei Avot. The eleventh way, he explains, is called “B’dikduk Chaverim” – precise friendship which refers to choosing and engaging with friends with intentionality.

The Value of a Thought Partner

Rabbi Weinberg explains that Torah wisdom emphasizes sitting and thinking together. Don’t assume your perspective is always correct. Open yourself to other people’s ideas. He says: “You don’t have to kill me to win- just convince me you’re right, and I’ll join you without hesitation.”

We all need true friends- people we can trust, confide in, and speak to about our plans, emotions, and dreams. A real friend doesn’t compete with you or keep score. They listen to your doubts, weigh pros and cons with you, and offer honest, direct feedback. “There are a few paths in life you can walk alone”, says Rabbi Weinberg, “but life itself should not be one of them. Walk it with a friend.”

Especially when facing life’s major decisions such as who to marry, which job to take, or where to live, a good friend can offer different perspectives and help you think clearly.

Don’t Let Circumstance Choose Your Friends

Often, our friendships happen by chance with neighbors, coworkers, and schoolmates. “We went to school together, we ate pizza together, now we’re friends…”

Just because someone was a good study partner, it doesn’t guarantee that they will be a lifelong friend. Ask yourself: “What will this friendship look like in 20 years?”

Rabbi Weinberg urges: “Be proactive. Seek the right friend. A real friend is a lifelong investment. Choose someone who values truth and shares your goals and principles.”

The word chaver (friend) comes from chibur- connection. Friendship is about loyalty. Even if you and your friend walk different paths at times, your bond remains. You know you’re there for each other, no matter what.

The Currency of Friendship is Trust

“You pay with trust”, says Rabbi Weinberg, “and in return, you gain a friend. The better the friend, the more trust you must invest.”

Why does Judaism teach that “Two are better than one”? We are often blind to our own faults but can see those of others more clearly. A true friend will tell you when you’re being unfair, and you’ll do the same for them. Friends help each other grow by offering honest, constructive feedback.

Friendship Fuels Creativity and Growth

A good friend boosts your creativity. Like a brainstorming session, you can say anything without fear of judgment. “Don’t argue- talk”, says Rabbi Weinberg.

Engage in meaningful conversations not just to win debates, but to explore truth together. Become a conversation expert. Don’t make declarations but share your perspective and stay open to new ideas. Ask questions, listen actively, and be willing to be wrong.

Argue to Discover Truth, Not to Win

The most important discussions are about life’s meaning. “If you believe in G-d,” Rabbi Weinberg suggests, “have a respectful debate with an atheist. Ask: ‘What’s your evidence? Why did you come to that conclusion?’”

Every person has a perspective built on some version of facts. Even if you think their view is wrong, listen respectfully and engage sincerely. Remind yourself that they’re just as passionate about their beliefs as you are about yours. Use what Rabbi Weinberg calls the “Tango Technique” in conversation: Take one step back, two steps forward: “I see your point... That makes sense... But what about...?”

Start by acknowledging valid points, and only then raise counterpoints. If a conversation gets too heated, lower your voice and say, “Please explain again- what’s the basis of your idea?”

This approach deepens relationships, builds wisdom, and earns new friends.

Be a Judge, Not a Lawyer

“What is the difference between a judge and a lawyer?”
“A lawyer defends only one side. A judge stays objective to discover the truth.”

People who argue like lawyers just want to win. They may listen, but they don’t really hear. They only hear enough to find flaws and attack. If you find yourself in a tense conversation, de-escalate it. Say: “Sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken like that. Maybe you’re right. But if you’re wrong, are you willing to admit it too? Let’s look at the facts together- agreed?”

(צילום: shutterstock)

Argue with Love, Not Ego

The Sages say you can know why people argued by seeing how they parted. If they separated with love, the argument was for truth. If with anger, it was for ego.

Growth Through Honest Feedback

The Talmud tells a story of Rabbi Yochanan and Reish Lakish, two scholars who studied together for many years. When Reish Lakish passed away, Rabbi Yochanan was devastated. His students sent the smartest man in town to replace him. But Rabbi Yochanan remained sad. He explained, “Yes, he’s brilliant. Everything I say, he supports with 24 proofs. But Reish Lakish- he used to challenge everything I said with 24 questions! That’s what I miss. That’s how you truly learn Torah.”

Real criticism leads to growth, and growth is life’s greatest joy.

Truth-Seeking is a Team Sport

Criticism can be hard. Some people are so afraid of being wrong that they isolate themselves. The best approach is to find a friend who gives honest and kind feedback. If you want to grow, you need a team. Put your ideas out there. Everything great including moon landings, the internet, and civil rights, was built by teams.

If you’re right, you take a small step forward. If you discover you’re wrong, you take a huge leap because you found the truth!

• A good friend is too important to leave to chance.

• Choose someone to pursue truth and life goals with.

• You're influenced by your friends- choose those who seek wisdom.

• Don’t fear discovering you’re wrong- that’s the path to growth.

• “Either a study partner- or death.” Without growth, life is wasted.