Parenting Wisdom from Rabbi Edelstein: Finding Joy in Building Kid Connections

Rabbi Edelstein was once asked: How strictly should we enforce time for Sh'ma and prayers for children who lose track of time and sleep late?

His answer was simple: Gently, only gently. No forcing, no nagging. Praise the child for doing well; it sparks their interest. Force achieves nothing—never force a child!

The Rabbi teaches us a critical psychological principle applicable to many parenting challenges, particularly with children who have ADHD.

People are driven by two "engines": a round one fueled by "I want," driven by desire and internal will, and a square one fueled by "I must," driven by obligation and the acknowledgment of necessity.

Over-reliance on the square engine by enforcing too much leads to a child's aversion to these efforts, sometimes even making them resist the concept of obligation itself, causing long-term difficulty in being responsible.

Yet, we can't rely solely on the round engine—life isn't just about desires. The secret is making the child's circle want to embrace the square!

We can't avoid life's demands, but we can change our outlook: be in a state of choice or aversion. What makes the circle embrace the square? It's when the square's obligation feels pleasant, helpful, and guiding—not stifling.

When a child is encouraged correctly, their "circle of desire" lights up, welcoming the square to aid them in following the rules. This transitions the circle and square from opposition to unity. The child then realizes they don't have to choose between wants and needs—they can indeed connect the two.

Here are a few methods to help achieve this connection:

1. Listen to the child—understand what they truly want and why. Such conversations require shifting from a judgmental view assuming the child only seeks freedom or comfort to one recognizing that even if they err in their expression, their root intention is positive. When parental discussions are mainly square-focused on mandates and accomplishments, kids might feel their wishes have no space, even imagining their desires as "evil inclinations." Creating a dialogue space that reaches beyond practical/educational topics, respecting their desires even when the answer is no, is key. Focus on more listening, less criticism. You can hear them out even on disagreements. Often, the issue is not the desire itself, but its execution. Listening doesn't mean agreement. Silence doesn't endorse the child’s words.

2. Respect the child as a complete individual. Sometimes we regard children as incomplete adults, only valuing their choices if they’re the right ones. There's a video showing a toddler being brought to Rabbi Elyashiv, who greets the child like an adult. Imagine your child as an adult in a few years—they feel that way now. Their engagements are as important to them as yours are to you. Acknowledging the child's activities—say, when asking them to pause play for a shower—reflects this respect. Indicate you understand their preoccupations even while you request their cooperation. Offering them choice points, even yielding your judgment to theirs at times, affirms your recognition of their autonomy, even if you’d think or act differently.

3. Frame the boundaries you set as gifts, not limits. Without constraints, the circle gets lost. Ensure you feel unified when setting limits, even if the child isn’t pleased with it. Remind yourself that offering this framework is liberating. When setting boundaries, consider the child’s perspective. They might see these limits as punitive—like being monitored or controlled. Explain the rationale supporting your decision comprehensively. Clarification doesn't require their agreement but reassures them you act with deliberate thought, not whimsy.

Chaim Dayan is a clinical social worker and doctoral candidate, and the chairman of the Attention Institute.