Is It Childish to Feel? No, It's an Essential Part of Life

"I haven't cried in years, I'm afraid to feel, it's childish to feel."

"And what will happen if you feel?"

"I will be weak. Only the weak are ruled by emotions."

It's also frightening to feel alone. Something might happen if I allow the feeling of loneliness, so I escape—to my phone, friends, shopping, food—anything not to feel lonely.

Sound familiar?

When a small child cries, adults say, "What, are you a baby? Stop crying! Ask, say..."

Adults teach children that expressing disappointment and crying is childish, and instead of crying, one should turn to practical and rational actions. Talk and act.

This is how we were taught; it's a belief we've received from our surroundings from a young age. Don't give space to emotion, give space only to intellect and action. Feeling—shows weakness. The strong act, fight.

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A few years ago, I attended the funeral of someone close to me. While waiting for the procession to start, people stood around talking and laughing. When people meet, it's a time to share memories, and naturally, they prefer pleasant and funny memories because everyone is busy escaping sadness. If they connect with the emotion and the sadness—they might cry, and crying is childish and weak.

The day after, I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't feel well; everything suddenly surfaced, and I allowed myself to feel the sadness, the longing, the pain of losing someone I was attached to. I started crying uncontrollably. I cried, truly mourned, and then felt a genuine release. Something inside calmed down.

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You can't run from feelings; they exist, and they will surface. It might manifest in our bodies as physical illness, or it could flood us with negative emotion.

It's not enjoyable to feel unpleasant emotions, so we ignore them. When you shut down one emotion—you shut them all down, which means you also can't feel happiness, joy, serenity.

If we allow emotions to be present, to feel them and experience them—we reach release, serenity.

Surely you ask, aren't there emotions we were taught are not good: don't be angry, don't be sad, don't be jealous, etc. If these emotions exist, given to us by the Creator, then how is it that we aren't allowed to feel them?

No emotion is good or bad. We received all emotions as a gift from Hashem. This is how we communicate, experience, and empathize with each other. Some emotions are less pleasant, and every emotion needs to be balanced and be under our control.

Sometimes you see someone suddenly explode in a frenzy and break things. What led to this outburst is that they were angry about something done and said nothing, because you're not supposed to be angry, and they kept it in until the anger took control and exploded. If that person had said from the beginning, even in an angry tone, what upset them, the explosion and breaking wouldn't have happened.

Usually, people who can't control their anger—it's built on several unpleasant emotions they preferred not to feel and not to process, and then everything explodes in a fairly regular manner.

We're taught not to be sad, to believe things will be good because everything is from above. You know the phrase: think good, and it will be good? Quickly run to positive thinking. This rush to say it's from above and stop the tears is usually an escape from feeling. Someone told me: "I fake happiness even though I feel like I'm about to collapse." Inside, the heart screams from pain, but everyone around her or voices from childhood whisper to her: you mustn't be sad.

I want to tell you: it's okay to be sad when something sad happens. It's okay to be frustrated when something doesn’t succeed. It's okay to be afraid when you hear and see something scary, and it's very mature to feel!

After you've agreed to your emotions, it's time to do the work.

So how do you free yourself from less pleasant emotions?

When something hurts, the first aid is to ask your heart what it feels and allow yourself to stay with the emotion. It's okay to feel any emotion that arises. Then ask your heart again what it feels now, and give the emotion space. The pain will diminish with each emotion experienced.

Sometimes after processing the emotion, it overwhelms us too much. What to do?

When I feel jealousy towards someone who succeeds where I fail (the mistake is to say "you're not supposed to be jealous," and dismiss this emotion, and sometimes in that state you can harm the person you're jealous of. Jealousy sees it has no space, so it dominates. Inside it's there, so who am I fooling?), I sit and process the emotion: what am I jealous of in her? What does jealousy want from me? What message does it want to convey? What do I want to ask it? What do I learn about myself thanks to jealousy? I see it! Engage with it in dialogue, and then it releases.

After understanding it and allowing myself to feel vulnerable because I am human, it's time to connect to the spiritual place.

Brené Brown, a researcher and lecturer, defines spirituality as recognizing and rejoicing that we are all deeply and fundamentally connected thanks to a power greater than us all, and the essence of our connection to this power, as well as to each other, is love and compassion.

How do you do it?

I suggest a guided imagery exercise. I recommend doing the exercise before sleep when you're in a relaxed state between wakefulness and sleep: imagine yourself rising up, higher and higher, outside the Earth. From this high vantage point, you can see that everyone is connected, we're all part of a divine spark from above, and everyone has a path in this world, from birth to death.

From this place, you can feel love and compassion for each and every person around you. Everyone is a part of you.

From this place, you can also receive compassion and love for yourself, for who you are, for how you are, for the actions you do or don't do.

When you are full of love for yourself and for everyone, you can forgive, let go, live in peace.

I would love to read in the comments—how was the exercise for you and what did you take from the article?

Sara Zilberman is a guide for happy marriages and finding a match and a therapist at the Heshun Department.

The Heshun Department—peace in the home, children's education, peace of mind offers therapists nationwide. You can receive consultation via ZOOM.

The consultation has a fee.

This is important to me, I want to consult! Call 073-3333-101, or email chayas@htv.co.i