Mastering Inner Calm: Jewish Wisdom on Patience, Anger, and Humility

In a world where we are faced with endless demands, it is vital that we make time for stillness and serenity throughout the day. Whenever possible, sit in a comfortable chair or lie down, perhaps with calming music playing in the background, and think about how much God loves you, that there is no reason for worry, that you are in His merciful and kind hands.

If something frightens you, place it entirely in His care, trusting that He will certainly take care of you. Practice this whenever you feel pressure building, and even while sitting in the study hall or at work. Pause, give your body a direct order to relax, and allow peace to enter your heart until it becomes a constant state.

Speaking Gently to Avoid Anger

Train yourself to speak in a soft tone rather than shouting, as raising your voice excites the soul and can lead to anger. As Ramban (Nachmanides) wrote in his famous Iggeret HaRamban to his son: “Accustom yourself always to speak all your words gently.”

Sometimes we think that shouting will help our words be heard or taken seriously, but this is because we forget that God alone runs the world and decides whether our words will be accepted. If He commands us to speak gently and calmly, our words will certainly find their way into the hearts of listeners and make an impact. As King Solomon wisely wrote (Proverbs 25:15): “A gentle tongue can break a bone.”

The Example We Set at Home

If your children speak loudly to others, you’ll often find they learned it from you. Our tone doesn’t only affect ourselves, but it shapes the entire household. If we get accustomed to speaking to our spouse and children calmly — even when they don’t do what we want, and we respond in a quiet, restrained tone, it will influence the family as a whole.

Indeed, this is not easy to do, but as the Talmud says (Makkot 10b): “In the way a person wishes to go, he is led.” If God sees that we truly wish to achieve real serenity and patience, He will surely help us with special strength.

When Raising Your Voice Is Necessary

Sometimes we must raise our voice or show a stern expression to educate or warn children or students against wrongdoing. Maimonides advises showing an “outward expression of anger” while maintaining inner composure — raising your voice to convey seriousness, yet inwardly knowing these are just children, prone to mistakes, and your shouting is only to help them overcome their own impulses.

Another helpful method is to delay the rebuke for several hours. During that time, try to judge the other person favorably. If you can’t find merit, think about how many times you’ve angered God and He still had mercy on you. Fill your heart with compassion before correcting someone, and God will help you avoid genuine anger.

You can also reduce tension by sharing the situation with a kind friend and discussing the best way to convey the message to your spouse, child, or student. As Proverbs (12:25) teaches: “Anxiety in a person’s heart should be shared.” Talking it out can already ease your feelings, and a compassionate friend can help you approach the matter without harming the other person.

Daily Study on Character Development

The most important advice is to set aside time each day to study works on character refinement including humility, controlling anger, and cultivating joy. When you learn about the harm of pride and anger, the beauty of humility and patience, and the ways to acquire them, these values sink into your heart, and a truer, deeper joy will follow.

Rabbi Wolbe’s Insight on Erasing Anger

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, a master of understanding human nature, writes in Alei Shur: “Anger comes from an image in a person’s mind of how to react when provoked by words or actions.”

Everyone has a mental script for different situations. For example, if someone expects a compliment, he imagines himself smiling and saying thank you. If however he expects criticism or insult, he might picture himself rolling up his sleeves, pounding the table, and shouting.

Some even excuse their temper by saying, “That’s just how my community is,” as if their background absolves them from working on this trait. Often, this pattern is learned in childhood such as by watchng a parent react to frustration by yelling and quickly getting results.

Rabbi Wolbe suggests changing this inner image. Take your imagination for a “walk” and envision yourself responding to provocation with calmness and even joy.

Imagine coming home from work to find the house messy and no dinner prepared, but you respond to your wife with a smile, understanding that she must have been overwhelmed. Imagine being cut off in traffic and reacting with peace, knowing anger will accomplish nothing. By practicing these imagined scenarios, you train yourself to respond in real life with balance, understanding, and patience.

How Far Should We Go in Patience and Humility?

Maimonides — “the greatest of the legal codifiers”, lived over 800 years ago. Every halachic authority today must check his opinion before issuing a ruling. How did he reach such greatness?

In a letter to his student, the Rambam wrote that he had trained himself, through years and experience, to forgo his honor entirely. He knew that critics were often just seeking to raise their own status by belittling him or his works, even attacking his piety. Yet he swore that even if people insulted him publicly, he would remain calm, speak gently, or stay silent, and never defend himself.

In another letter, he wrote: “Know that I aim to act with humility even if it causes the public to disrespect me. Anyone who wishes to display his own perfection by pointing out my flaws — even a lowly student — I have forgiven.”

A Striking Example of Humility

In his commentary (Avot 4:4), the Rambam tells a story (some say about himself). When asked about the happiest day of his life, a pious man replied: “It was the day I was traveling on a ship, in a lowly spot among the common folk, dressed in rags. There were wealthy merchants on board. As I lay in my place, one man saw me as so low and contemptible that he exposed himself and urinated on me. I marveled at the brazenness of his spirit. By God’s life, my soul was not pained by his act at all, nor did any anger arise in me. I rejoiced greatly that I had reached a level where such an insult caused me no distress, and I paid it no attention.”

The ultimate in humility is to be so far from pride, that insults leave no impact.

May God grant us the merit to be among those “who are insulted and do not insult, who hear their shame and do not respond, who act out of love and rejoice in suffering”.