Rabbi Yigal Cohen – How to Achieve Serenity and Avoid Anger?

A good practice to nurture serenity in our soul is the daily habit of breaking the tension and stress we experience throughout the day. Take a seat on a comfortable chair or lie down whenever possible during the day. It's advisable to have soothing music playing in the background, while contemplating our calmness and how Hashem loves us. We have no real reason to worry as we are in His merciful and good hands, and if something frightens us, we cast it upon the Creator who surely will care for us.

We should do this whenever we feel tense, even if sitting in a study hall or at work, pause and instruct the body to relax until tranquility always fills our hearts.

Another tip to avoid anger is to speak gently and train ourselves to communicate quietly rather than shouting, as shouting agitates the soul and can lead to anger.

As Ramban wrote in his letter to his son, "Always accustom yourself to speak all your words gently." Even during phone conversations, try not to raise your voice, even if you think that by doing so your words will be better received. It's only because we forget that Hashem is the sole leader and decider. If He commands us to speak gently and calmly, certainly our words will be accepted by the listeners and leave an impression, as King Solomon wisely wrote (Proverbs 25:15): "A gentle tongue can break a bone."

If your children speak loudly with those around them, check carefully and you'll find they learned it from you, because you also speak loudly. In reality, our speech affects not only us but our entire household. If we train ourselves to speak gently with our children and spouse, and respond quietly and with restraint even if they do not fulfill our wishes, it will impact the entire family.

While not easy to implement, as the Gemara states (Makkot 10b), "In the way that a person wants to go, he is led," meaning if we show Hashem that we truly want to achieve serenity and true patience, He will undoubtedly assist us with special strength.

Sometimes it's necessary to raise our voice and show an angry face to educate and deter children or students from doing forbidden things. Rambam suggests showing 'anger of the face' without losing inner calm. One should raise their voice to show the seriousness of the matter, but internally acknowledge that they are just children and prone to mistakes. All the shouting is merely to help them overcome their bad inclinations.

Another approach for when there's a need to "get angry" to educate is to wait a few hours before reprimanding the other party. During this time, try in your heart to judge your friend favorably, and if that fails, think how many times you have angered Hashem, yet He was merciful and didn't punish immediately. Strive to imbue your heart with compassion and only then approach to reprimand your friend; Hashem will be with you so you do not succumb to anger.

A further way to offer criticism without anger is by choosing a compassionate friend to share the details of the case with and discuss how to proceed with conveying the message to your wife, children, or a student in need of critique. As you express things externally, you are already somewhat calmed, as it is written (Proverbs 12:25), "Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad." Surely, a compassionate friend will also help soothe the internal anger, thus aiding to moderate the words and prevent harm to the other party.

The most important advice is to set a fixed daily study on character traits such as humility, anger, and joy. By doing so during study time, one internalizes the disgrace of arrogance and anger and the praise of humility and patience, and the methods to reach these lofty traits. Following this, true joy settles in the heart, as I will explain in the "Joy" chapter.

The late Rabbi Wolbe was a great understanding of human nature, and in his book "Alei Shur," he writes a unique way of annulling the trait of anger. His words are as follows:

"Anger stems from an imagined response ingrained in a person's soul when someone angers them with words or deeds."

His insight is that every person has a mental image of how they think they should react to certain things, such as when receiving a compliment they imagine how they will smile and say thank you, but if they're rebuked or their honor is hurt, they see themselves in their mind rolling up their sleeves, banging on the table, and shouting loudly, etc. Some Jews claim, "I am from a certain community, and we are hot-tempered," thus excusing themselves from working on this negative trait.

If a person was accustomed to seeing their father not getting his way, he would immediately bang hard on the table and raise his voice, and consequently would receive what he wanted. That person thinks in their heart, "I too will react this way and get all my desires." Thus, they grow up with the belief that each time their will is opposed, they will become angry, shout, and then things will resolve.

According to this method, Rabbi Wolbe writes, if we alter the mental image within us and take our imagination on a journey, envisioning scenarios where someone complains about us or offends us, and we respond calmly and joyfully.

Imagine returning from the study hall or work, finding the house untidy and unclean, with no cooked food, and how you calmly respond to your wife with a smile and understanding that due to the pressures of household chores, she didn’t manage in time.

Similarly, during driving, imagine a driver cutting you off rudely and accepting the situation with peace of mind. What would anger achieve?

In every aspect of our lives where we could resort to anger, imagine yourself there, responding moderately and thoughtfully (in imagination), with great understanding of the other side.

* * *

To conclude this section, I bring an answer to a common question: "How patient and humble should one be, and not reactive to insults?"

Our master, Rambam, who lived about eight hundred years ago, achieved the title of "the greatest of the codifiers," as the great men of future generations would call him. Every study hall worldwide studies his wondrous and clear books.

No ruling in the world can be made without considering Rambam’s opinion. If you ask how he reached such status, the answer is evident in his numerous responses, displaying the extent of humility and patience deeply rooted in him, to the point of seeming impossible.

During Rambam's lifetime, he faced great adversaries who criticized his piety and his many books. In a letter to his student who rejoiced at Rambam’s honor, he writes:

"But now my attributes are not like those of the son (who would respond fiercely to opponents). I have been taught by years and experiences, and I forgive my honor greatly, knowing that those who defame me wish to elevate themselves in the eyes of people by detracting from my writings, showing that they are complete enough not to need to study it (to show they are wiser than me). If they wanted to compose their own writings, they would do better than me. Even if they disparage my piety and deeds, let them defame, for they enjoy it, and I lose nothing. All this, 'As Hashem lives' (a language of oath testifying that thus are the thoughts of his heart), does not distress me, and even if they would make such shames before me and I saw them do it, I would speak to them calmly and remain silent, or respond as appropriate, without defending myself because my honor and attributes dictate silence to fools."

In my humble opinion, these words hold the secret of Rambam's success in all areas, as he testifies about himself by oath that if he saw two great leaders of the generation defaming him in his actions, books, and piety, he would not be offended, would not respond to their words, nor defend himself, but accept these things with love.

Rambam continued in another letter and wrote, "Know that I intend to do all that is humble, even if it harms me greatly amongst the masses (who may come to disrespect him). To anyone who wishes to show perfection through my deficiencies, even if he is among the lesser students, we shall forgive."

- Simply amazing.

In his commentary on the Mishnah (Ethics of the Fathers 4:4), Rambam shared an incident (some argue that Rambam himself is the central figure), where one of the pious ones was asked, "What was the happiest day of your life?" He said, "The day I was traveling on a ship, occupying a lowly place with the commoners, dressed in rags, while there were wealthy merchants aboard. I was lying in my place, and behold, one of the ship's people got up to relieve himself. I seemed so lowly in his eyes that he revealed himself and urinated on me. I was greatly astonished at the strength of brazenness in his soul; as Hashem lives (again, language of oath), my soul was not troubled at all by his deed, nor did it awaken anger! I rejoiced greatly that I had reached a level where this person's disgrace did not disturb me, and I paid no heed to it,"

And undoubtedly, this is the ultimate humility, distancing oneself from pride.

May Hashem grant us the merit to be among those who are humiliated and do not insult, hear their disgrace and remain silent, act with love and rejoice in suffering, amen.

The book 'Yagel Libi B'Yeshua'techa' is available in selected stores and at Hidabroot Shops.