The Art of Asking a Rabbi

We all carry a deep belief in scholars and understand that the tradition of passing down the Torah in Jewish life is guided by rabbis. We strive to fulfill the teaching from Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers, Chapter 1) to "make for yourself a rabbi." Despite this, misunderstandings are common, and misinterpretations can occur due to errors in comprehension, so let's bring some clarity to the matter.

Firstly, it's simple and clear: you need to find a rabbi who understands guiding those who are returning to their faith, known as ba'alei teshuva. Just as some great yeshiva heads are geniuses in specific Torah topics but not necessarily experts in medical matters, so too, you need specialized guidance for ba'alei teshuva.

The Vilna Gaon (Proverbs 22:12) draws on a biblical verse about bribery (Deuteronomy 16:19) to explain that there is a difference between one who is "wise" in Torah and one who is "smart" in worldly matters—and we need both! This can be likened to lining up the two sights of a rifle; you close one eye to align the rings perfectly for accuracy. With just one sight, an infinite number of possibilities pass through. Life too involves aligning Torah wisdom with worldly understanding.

It's human nature to offer advice based on one's own life trajectory and experiences. For instance, if someone complains about blurry vision, it's logical to offer them my glasses because they work for me perfectly. But clearly, this is a mistake. Even an unqualified optician knows that proper glasses require a brief eye exam first. Similarly, a rabbi may be great in Torah but if they are not worldly-wise or don’t grasp the unique challenges of ba'alei teshuva, they can’t provide the tailored guidance needed for their world.

Personally, what saved me was when the head of my yeshiva in Slabodka refused to answer my question related to ba'alei teshuva and directed me to a rabbi who had gone through a similar journey. A rabbi, no matter how righteous or scholarly, needs to be knowledgeable about the ba'alei teshuva world to provide the genuine Torah perspective about what Hashem desires from us.

Even when you find a rabbi who understands ba'alei teshuva, there's another pitfall—asking a rabbi insincerely. It's crucial to question with the right intentions, often divided into two types: seeking Hashem's will for spiritual closeness or other motives like validating a decision, avoiding responsibility, impressing the rabbi, etc.

What’s the difference between genuinely wanting to know Hashem’s will and other intentions?

Those who hold their lives and questions seriously and sincerely ponder what Hashem wishes of them, follow several key steps:

Firstly, finding a patient and attentive rabbi. Even the most righteous rabbi must listen intently to all sides of a question for thorough analysis before giving an answer. If the line is long and time is short, the rabbi might only offer general blessings, which could be misinterpreted as agreement without hearing if an exception exists. Thus, truth-seekers must not compromise on this criterion.

The cultural perception might prioritize a rabbi’s fame, but Jethro taught a wise truth that Moses accepted—not every query is meant for the chief rabbi. It’s about finding someone mentally capable and willing to patiently dissect the issue with you.

Many ba'alei teshuva mistakenly lean too heavily on "faith in scholars," assuming rabbis, through divine intuition, understand their every challenge and context, ignoring these crucial insights. Undeniably, even today, the divine spirit can manifest through our sages, yet we must diligently prepare and not solely rely on it. If merely seeking approval, it’s straightforward to get blessings for nearly anything, but those truly desiring to do Hashem’s will recognize the essential criteria and should not hesitate to consult a lesser-known scholar who’s vested in earnest discussion.

Secondly, doing your homework. Even the most understanding rabbi needs clear, precise data to offer a sincere response. Defined and accurate information can often shift answers significantly, so come prepared, leaving no detail unmentioned.

It's easy to shirk preparation, banking on the rabbi’s spiritual insight, akin to the Bible’s breastplate. But even it failed to give correct answers when questions weren't properly posed (as illustrated in the Talmud, Yoma 73a). Therefore, precision is paramount.

Thirdly, understanding the rabbi’s answer. Often, the answer resides in the clarifying questions he asks, sometimes more than the final verdict. I learned this firsthand when we found a great deal on a fourth-floor apartment. The rabbi’s pointed inquiries about the difficulty of reaching the fourth floor or if it was legitimately registered on the deeds, despite my hurried affirmations, proved crucial. Only later, when irregularities emerged, did we realize the significance. This taught me the value of contemplating the rabbi’s queries beyond the verdict itself.

Yet another aspect is when, despite an answer, we're often too shy to probe deeper into why the rabbi ruled as he did—those serious about comprehending should bravely seek clarity. Often underlying circumstances differ, allowing for further investigation with additional details, truly understanding the matter.

Moreover, the Talmud (Chullin 6a) interprets the verse (Proverbs 23:1): “When you sit to dine with a ruler, observe carefully what is before you” regarding students before their rabbi. If their rabbi cannot provide a reasonable reason, they should prudently withdraw. This message is provocative. We are not bound to accept decrees absolving individual responsibility; instead, we are challenged to request robust explanations. If such clarity is missed, the Talmud instructs us to part ways.

For someone yet to find a rabbi who's aligned, it’s wise not to rely only on one’s judgment but to consult many, as an old teaching (Avot 2:7) urges: “Increase counsel, increase understanding.” Explained in 'Ruach Chaim' by Chaim of Volozhin:

“Advice is oft-quoted: Ask for suggestions, but follow one’s own judgment. Initially, this seems counterintuitive; however, outsiders only grasp part of the circumstance presented for advice, and similarly, the second advisor, too. Only the seeker wholly understands the intricacies, yet lacks the breadth of wisdom, hence 'increase advice, increase wisdom,' integrating broader insights into self-understanding.”

His explanation clarifies a rabbi's several advantages over you: Torah knowledge, experience, insight, and emotional distance. Yet, you know the situation better. Despite your efforts to express the complexity, many aspects remain unvoiced and misunderstood. Therefore, Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin recommends consulting multiple advisors, but caution is required: do not decide based merely on comfort—rather, probe genuinely to discern who understood the question thoroughly, grasped the scenario, and whose answer sincerely resonates.

Do not fear acknowledging that not every rabbi has universal expertise or can counter personal biases. It’s no slight to their stature; on the contrary, it shows integrity when one recognizes their limitations and refers to someone specialized with proven experience.

Furthermore, where personal biases might occur, it’s highly regarded when a rabbi self-disqualifies from advising. For instance, neither Israel’s high priest nor its king participated when the Sanhedrin debated on intercalating the year—due to personal stakes: the king funding soldiers for an extra month, the high priest’s concern of an additional cold month for walking barefoot in Jerusalem. They didn’t take offense for being doubted. Texts like the Sefer Hachinuch extensively detail how even minimal biases can skew judgments away from pure counsel. In the same vein, anyone childless is unfit for the Sanhedrin, as presumably lacking crucial empathy toolsets (as discussed in the Talmud, also very old age impacts empathy, thus disqualifying). In guiding ba'alei teshuva, wisdom and experience need supplements: accurate understanding and ensuring the advising rabbi possesses the apt tools for substantial answers.

May Hashem bless us always to fulfill His will joyously!

Published onMaane