Choosing the Right Rabbi: How to Seek Real Spiritual Guidance Without Losing Your Judgment

As “believers, the children of believers,” steeped in trust of our sages, we know that the Torah is transmitted in Israel through rabbinic leadership, and we are commanded in Pirkei Avot (1:6): “Make for yourself a rabbi.” And yet, misunderstandings and distortions often creep in, usually from simple confusion. Let’s bring some clarity to this crucial topic.

Find the Right Match — A Rabbi Who Understands Your Path

One must find a rabbi who understands the journey of baalei teshuvah (returnees to Torah observance). Just as a brilliant rosh yeshiva may be a master in Talmud yet defer to others on medical halacha, so too in spiritual guidance — expertise matters.

The Vilna Gaon (on Mishlei 22:12) explains the verse about bribery (Devarim 16:19): there are two kinds of wisdom — chacham (Torah wisdom) and pikeach (worldly insight). Both are essential.

He compares this to the sight on a rifle. You close one eye and align two circles. One alone won’t give you accuracy, as infinite directions could fit inside it. Only when the two rings align is there a straight line to the target. The same is true in life: one ring represents Torah wisdom, the other, understanding of reality. Only when both align can one find the true path.

The “One-Size-Fits-All” Mistake

It’s natural to give advice based on our own experiences, but that’s like offering your own glasses to someone who can’t see — “They work for me, so they’ll work for you!” A wise optician, however, knows that first, it's necessary to diagnose.

A rabbi who is great in Torah but lacks understanding of the real-life struggles of baalei teshuvah cannot always offer the personalized guidance they need. Wisdom without empathy can mislead.

One of my personal turning points came when the rosh yeshiva of Slabodka refused to answer a ba’al teshuvah question. He told me, “Only a rabbi who has walked that road himself and fears Heaven can give you a true da’as Torah on this matter.”

Taking advice from a rabbi — even a righteous, learned one, who does not fully understand your world means you haven’t yet done the proper hishtadlut (effort) to truly clarify what God wants from you.

Two Kinds of Questions

Even after finding the right rabbi, one can still fall into the trap of asking insincere questions. Not all questions come from pure motives. Some seek to know “What does God want from me?”, while others seek permission or validation for what we already want, or ways to please others, avoid responsibility, or impress the rabbi.

The difference between these two types of seekers is great. Those who sincerely desire to know God’s will demonstrate it in their preparation and approach.

Step One: Choose a Patient and Attentive Rabbi

Even the most righteous rabbi must have the time and patience to listen carefully before answering. When rabbis are rushed, they may only offer general blessings or advice that can easily be misinterpreted.

It’s impressive to have a famous rabbi, one whose picture appears in fundraising pamphlets, but as Yitro taught Moshe, “You cannot bring every question to the head rabbi.” You need a rabbi “with spirit” — one who can truly hear you.

Many baalei teshuvah misunderstand emunat chachamim (faith in sages), assuming that the rabbi, through divine inspiration, automatically knows their situation, family, and emotional context. While our sages may indeed have spiritual insight, we are not exempt from proper effort.

If all you want is a “heter” (permission) for what your heart already wants, any rabbi will do. But if you truly seek God’s will, you must insist on these conditions — even if that means consulting a lesser-known scholar who will take the time to think deeply and personally about your case.

Step Two: Do Your Homework

Even the wisest rabbi cannot answer properly if you withhold details. Come prepared, with facts, numbers, and full background. A vague, theoretical question may receive a general answer that doesn’t fit your real situation. The Talmud (Yoma 73b) even teaches that the Urim v’Tumim — the High Priest’s prophetic breastplate, would not give a correct answer if the question was phrased poorly.

Even divine insight depends on clear communication.

Step Three: Understand the Rabbi’s Answer

Sometimes the real message lies in the rabbi’s questions, rather than his conclusion.

For example, when we once considered buying an apartment on the fourth floor, I asked a rabbi if we should proceed. He asked: “Will it be hard for your wife to climb the stairs?” I replied, “No problem.” His next question: “Is the apartment fully registered in the land registry?” I assured him it was.

He gave his blessing. Later we discovered — miraculously before signing, that most of the property wasn’t properly registered. When my wife became pregnant again, she was grateful we hadn’t bought it! I learned that sometimes we must analyze the rabbi’s questions even more than his final words.

If you don’t understand a ruling, don’t be shy — ask why. A sincere questioner seeks clarity, not just approval. The Gemara (Chullin 6a) even warns: if a rabbi cannot explain his reasoning, one should “withdraw from him.”

Our task is not to surrender responsibility but to seek  understanding.

Step Four: Seek Multiple Perspectives

If you haven’t yet found a rabbi who truly grasps your situation, consult more than one. As Pirkei Avot (2:7) teaches: “Increase counsel, and you increase understanding.”

Rav Chaim of Volozhin explains in Ruach Chaim: “Each advisor sees only part of the picture, but by combining many insights, you gain the full understanding — and then you can discern truth from within.”

A rabbi brings Torah wisdom, experience, and objectivity — but you know your situation best. Some nuances cannot be expressed in words. Therefore, consult widely, but don’t simply follow the easiest or most lenient answer. Choose the rabbi who seems to have truly understood your heart and situation.

Recognizing Limits — Even Among the Wise

Not every rabbi is an expert in every area. Just as professionals specialize in certain fields, so too do rabbis. True greatness includes the humility to say, “This is not my area.”

Similarly, when a rabbi might have a personal interest in a matter, it is a virtue — not a weakness, to recuse himself. The High Priest and the King of Israel, for example, were not allowed to serve on the Sanhedrin when deciding whether to extend the calendar year, because they had personal stakes.

Even compassion is considered essential: the Talmud rules that a judge without children may not sit on the Sanhedrin, for lack of empathy. So too, in guiding baalei teshuvah, scholarship and experience must be joined by emotional understanding.

The True Meaning of “Da’at Torah”

Finding the right rabbi — one who combines Torah wisdom, practical insight, and human empathy, is not just about halachic accuracy, but about finding someone who can see your soul clearly and help you align both your faith and your reality.

May God help us always seek His will with joy, clarity, and sincerity — and bless us to find teachers who guide us with both wisdom and heart.