Delays in Marriage: Understanding the Causes and Seeking Solutions (Part 1)

In our generation, the number of individuals waiting many long years to find their life partner is significantly greater than in previous generations. Many singles feel stuck and do not understand why marriage is so difficult to attain. As time goes on, they are increasingly haunted by questions such as: "Is the delay my fault or is it a divine decree? Is it possible that I missed my match because of a mistake? Is there anything I need to be doing or should I just hope for the best?

According to the teachings of Judaism, a person has the ability to hasten their match- not through popular spiritual shortcuts (many of which lack any basis in traditional texts), but through legitimate and effective methods, both practical and spiritual.

In most cases (though not all, as explained later), the delay is caused by the individual themselves, due to unawareness or decisions that do not suit them. When they begin to correct these missteps, the path toward marriage may open. At times, a person who unknowingly causes their own delay blames G-d. As King Solomon said: “A man’s folly ruins his way, yet his heart rages against the Lord.”

Below are some of the main causes of delay in marriage, explanations of their origins, and solutions- both spiritual and practical.

Possible Cause 1: Body Language that Reflects Sadness, Restlessness, or Dominance

People often react more strongly to body language than spoken words. If there is a disconnect between a person's words and body language, the body language usually reveals the truth. For instance, if someone welcomes you with pleasant words but nervously drums their fingers on the table, it becomes apparent that they are not happy to see you, despite what they say.

The same applies during a date for marriage. A generally calm and joyful person who appears nervous or sad during a meeting, may unintentionally convey a negative impression. It is therefore important to monitor and manage body language. If someone genuinely struggles with sadness, restlessness, anger, or dominance in their everyday life, a delay in marriage should serve as a wake-up call to work on these traits. Resources like Jewish ethics, Torah lessons, and relevant self-improvement books can be especially helpful.

Possible Cause 2: Constant Complaining

People are drawn to cheerful, optimistic individuals who see life in a positive light and create a calm and joyful atmosphere around them. A person who frequently complains or blames others for every inconvenience, tends to repel others and will struggle to find a long-term partner. This individual must develop emotional resilience and a sense of inner joy.

Possible Cause 3: Searching in the Wrong Circles

A person who seeks a spiritually elevated life but lives in a materialistic environment- especially if their outward appearance reflects superficiality- will find it difficult to meet someone suitable. They may think: “Everyone around me seems shallow. I’d rather stay single than marry someone like this.” They are not wrong, but they are trapped, because they seek a spiritually compatible partner in places where such individuals are unlikely to be found.

Women on a higher spiritual level will typically not agree to marry someone on a lower level- and rightly so. In today's world, the middle spiritual tier is not very populated, which leaves those in that tier without many suitable matches.

Elevate your spiritual level to match your aspirations. Living in accordance with divine teachings naturally aligns you with a community of spiritually compatible individuals, increasing your chances of finding a suitable match.

Possible Cause 4: Lack of Gentleness and Sensitivity

This issue often arises in men, as well as in women over the age of thirty, when the freshness and flexibility of youth tend to fade, and personalities become more set. It is also common among highly intelligent women with assertive or managerial traits that may come across as overly controlling.

Men who appear overly aggressive or domineering are often rejected by women looking for a gentle, respectful partner. While some women may wrongly assume this behavior is typical for all men and accept it, the reverse is more difficult. Most men expect their wives to exhibit gentleness and femininity, and they tend to avoid women whose behavior appears overly assertive or lacking in softness.

Learn and internalize the psychological and emotional differences between men and women, as well as the genuine emotional needs of a future spouse. If you recognize in yourself a controlling personality or difficulty in receiving from others, work diligently on developing humility and respect for others. This self-improvement must be thorough and sincere, until it becomes a genuine part of your behavior.