Laws of Mourning: Marriage After Shiva

Shiva. Shloshim.

A mourner, whether for a parent or other relative, is prohibited from marrying until thirty days have passed, as they are forbidden to engage in joyous activities. [If a holiday falls within the thirty days, they may marry on the eve of the holiday]. This applies to someone who has already fulfilled the commandment of procreation, meaning they have a son and daughter. However, if they do not have a son and daughter, they may marry immediately after the seven days of mourning (shiva), due to the great importance of the commandment to be fruitful and multiply. [If a holiday falls within the shiva, they may marry on the eve of the holiday. As explained below (page 293), anything that cannot be done during the holiday is permitted on the eve of the holiday, just as mourners are permitted to launder clothes on the eve of the holiday, since laundering is prohibited during the holiday.] (B 320, 322)

Rabbeinu Tam wrote that although mourners for parents are prohibited from entering a celebration hall for twelve months, why do we permit those who have fulfilled procreation to marry after thirty days? We must say that since these marriages fulfill a mitzvah—because even one who has fulfilled procreation is commanded to marry—as the Sages said (Yevamot 62b): "If one married in youth, he should marry in old age; if he had children in youth, he should have children in old age, as it is said (Ecclesiastes 11:6): 'In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening do not withhold your hand...'" Even the elderly are commanded to marry, as it is forbidden for a man to remain without a wife, as it is said (Genesis 2:18): "And Hashem said, 'It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper corresponding to him'" (ibid 61b). See Responsa Shevet Halevi (part 10, section 223) regarding when an elderly person is obligated to marry and when not.

A female mourner is also prohibited from marrying until thirty days have passed since her relative's death. However, if the groom has not yet fulfilled the commandment of procreation, they may marry immediately after the shiva. Although women are not commanded in procreation, since she assists her husband in this important mitzvah, it overrides her mourning, and she need not wait thirty days. (B 331)

A divorced or widowed man with young children who needs to care for them, who becomes engaged to a woman, and suddenly her father dies, may marry immediately after the shiva, but should not have marital relations until the thirtieth day, as she is a mourner and prohibited from experiencing joy. (B 335, 338)

When a Widower May Remarry

Someone whose wife died, who has a son and daughter, should not marry until three festivals [Passover, Shavuot, Sukkot] have passed. Until then, he does not forget his love for his first wife, especially during festivals when he remembers her more. But after three festivals, the nature of joy helps eliminate sadness, and accumulated joyous occasions help the mourner be comforted from the loss of his wife's love, enabling him to build a healthy and happy home with another woman. However, if he does not have a son and daughter, he may marry immediately after the shiva. The Chatam Sofer explained that through his desire for the mitzvah of procreation, his mind is calmed and his heart ceases to dwell on thoughts of his first wife. (B 323)

* If he has a son and daughter, and two festivals plus Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur have passed, he may marry immediately. Perhaps the law follows those who rule that two festivals are sufficient, and perhaps Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur count as festivals in this context. (B 337)

* If he has a son and daughter, and Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot have passed, when necessary he may marry immediately after Sukkot. According to many, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur count as festivals in this regard. [Since Rosh Hashanah is a holiday with a command to rejoice, as it is written (Psalms 81:4): "Blow the shofar at the new moon, at the appointed time for our festival day." And it is also written (Nehemiah 8:10): "Eat fat foods and drink sweet drinks... and do not be sad, for the joy of Hashem is your strength." Yom Kippur is also a day of joy, as the Sages said (Taanit 30b): "There were no better days for Israel than Yom Kippur, because it is a day of forgiveness, pardon, and atonement for our sins"]. (B 335)

* If he has a son and daughter, but finds it difficult to remain without a wife and might sin with wasted seed, or if he did not know he needed to wait three festivals and already prepared for the wedding, or in cases of great need, he may marry immediately after the shiva, without any delay. (B 336, 338, D 578)

* If he has young children who need care, or if he has no one to help with household needs like cooking, laundry, etc., he may marry after the shiva, but should refrain from marital relations until the thirtieth day. (B 320)

Haircuts

When permitted to marry after the shiva, one is also allowed to get a haircut and cut nails for the wedding without requiring rebuke, because a groom is like a king, and it is said (Isaiah 33:17): "Your eyes shall see the king in his beauty," and (Song of Songs 3:11): "On the day of his wedding, and on the day of the gladness of his heart." This is also permitted during the seven days of celebration. (Eliyah Rabbah, Chatam Sofer. B 323, 324)

The Chatam Sofer wrote: It seems obvious to me that on his wedding day, he is permitted to get a haircut, since his mourning is set aside for the mitzvah of procreation, other restrictions are also set aside in order to fulfill the mitzvah properly. I believe that if he suffers discomfort, there should be no stringency even during the other celebration days, especially since all the authorities likely only spoke about cutting head hair, but regarding shaving the beard, which is customary nowadays, where it makes one look unkempt and causes great discomfort, they never intended to prohibit it. Furthermore, it seems to me that the bride would be distressed if the groom observes mourning while she is not in mourning, and we are not permitted to cause her distress during her time of joy. In addition, Shibolei Haleket wrote that the essence of a wedding is to rejoice in all kinds of joy, and to adorn oneself with all types of beauty, including haircuts. Also, according to authorities who permit men involved in a brit milah to cut their hair within thirty days, a groom who is superior to these should certainly be allowed. The fact that a groom may cut his hair even within thirty days of mourning for a parent proves that wedding joy takes precedence over festival joy, since for a festival he would not be permitted to cut his hair, while for a wedding he is. Therefore, he also does not need friends to urge him to get a haircut, as his celebration overrides even the requirement for urging.

A bride in mourning who marries after the shiva is permitted all wedding preparations without any restrictions.

Music

When it is permitted to marry as mentioned above, it is also permitted to have music at the wedding, as it is said (Song of Songs 3:11): "On the day of his wedding, and on the day of the gladness of his heart," for there is no groom and bride celebration without musical instruments. This is permitted throughout the seven days of celebration. (B 326)

Mixed-Gender Weddings

For a wedding held within twelve months of the death of a relative of the bride or groom, which has mixed seating of men and women—which as known is a severe prohibition causing the Divine Presence to depart, and where "That the joy is in His dwelling" is not recited, as there is no joy in Hashem's dwelling—one should rule that music is prohibited at such a wedding, to minimize prohibitions and obstacles as much as possible. (B 329)

Scheduling a Wedding During the Year of Mourning

Some common people erroneously believe it disrespects the deceased to schedule a wedding within the year of mourning, so they postpone it until after the year, thinking they are giving satisfaction to the deceased. However, they should be informed this is a grave error, and on the contrary, they cause distress to the deceased by refraining from fulfilling the commandment of procreation because of them, and they also cause unnecessary suffering to themselves without valid reason. This is especially true if the bride and groom are not religiously observant and might transgress the prohibition of touching, which is from the Torah, and other sins, Hashem save us. Therefore, they should schedule the wedding as soon as possible, preventing many severe transgressions. (B 339, 344)