Laws of Mourning for a Bride and Groom

Mourner (Onen) Before the Wedding Ceremony

If a bride and groom have already rented a wedding hall as customary, and before the ceremony time one of the groom's relatives dies making him a mourner (onen) - if canceling the hall would cause significant financial loss, in a way that would make it difficult to arrange the feast again later [especially in today's reality where expenses are high, with an average wedding having 300-400 guests, and cancellation would cause enormous financial loss of tens of thousands of shekels, besides the band, photographer, wedding dress, etc. Also, canceling the wedding now would delay it for an extended period, as booking a hall and all the above requires much advance planning], they are permitted to proceed with the ceremony and celebration in the hall as usual with music and dancing. The groom may eat meat and drink wine, and may recite blessings over his food even though he is an onen. After the wedding, the bride and groom go to their home, the groom bathes, fulfills the mitzvah of consummation and then separates. In the morning, they bury the deceased. The groom observes the seven days of celebration with joy and songs as usual. At the end of the celebration days, he sits for the seven days of mourning. [In practice, one should consult a knowledgeable rabbi, as each case has its particulars.]

The Shulchan Aruch writes (Section 342): One who has prepared all wedding necessities, and the groom's father dies in a place where it is not possible to sell what was prepared, and if the wedding is postponed he would lose what he prepared. Or if the bride's mother died, and there are cosmetics and ornaments that will not keep - they bring the deceased to a room [so the groom won't see him and become distressed], and the bride and groom to the chuppah, and he fulfills the consummation mitzvah and separates. But if there is no loss, such as in a place where it's possible to sell what he prepared, or even if there is a loss, but the groom's mother died or the bride's father or one of their other relatives "where someone remains who can prepare for them [the bride and groom] for another time," they did not permit postponing the mourning. Rather, he buries the deceased immediately and observes seven days of mourning, and afterward the bride and groom enter the chuppah immediately and observe seven days of celebration. The Shach in Nekudat Hakesef writes that in our times, even if the groom's father or bride's mother dies, they are treated like other relatives, "since it is common that other relatives trouble themselves and prepare feast necessities and jewelry for the bride." Therefore, in all cases one first observes seven days of mourning, and then seven days of celebration. The Chochmat Adam (Shaar HaSimcha 154:4) writes that in a small town where it's not possible to sell the prepared feast and there would be a loss, and the wedding was arranged by collecting money for them, and the arranger died, and not everyone is suitable to collect and travel from town to town, we return to the Talmudic rule that if there's no one to arrange for him and there would be a loss, he fulfills the mitzvah of consummation, observes the seven days of celebration, and then mourning.

It appears from his words that this is all the more true according to today's reality where expenses are very high, and a groom who knows he won't have the ability to arrange and pay all these expenses again, and it's also impossible to reorganize for another week, since halls and other necessities are usually booked months in advance, his status is like one who has no one to arrange for him, and he holds the wedding ceremony first, observes the celebration days, and then the mourning days. The Shach's words apply to the reality of their time when everyone would buy fowl and slaughter them, and relatives would come help, making it possible to arrange again [as is common when several families organize for a feast, with each preparing and cooking something to bring]. It certainly doesn't make sense to tell a groom, if you don't have all the expenses again, it's enough to hold the wedding in the synagogue courtyard with a minyan of people and a little bread and side dishes for a mitzvah meal, because this is not at all the form of celebration in our times, and lacks human dignity.

Tefillin - If a relative of the groom passed away during the day before sunset, and the wedding was at night, the next morning he should put on tefillin with a blessing. This is due to a double doubt (safek sfeika): perhaps the law follows Maharitatz and others, that on the burial day that is not the day of death, one is obligated to wear tefillin. And perhaps the ruling follows Anaf Etz Avot and Daat Kedoshim that a groom is obligated to put on tefillin, because these days are like a holiday for him.

If the death occurred at night and the burial was the morning after the wedding, some say he should not put on tefillin in the morning, like any day of death and burial. It is good to put them on without a blessing.

The Magen Avraham wrote, for those who wear tefillin on Chol HaMoed, if mourning occurs during Chol HaMoed, one should wear tefillin even on the first day, because it doesn't apply during a festive day to exempt him from tefillin because he "wallows his pride in the dust." The Pri Megadim ruled similarly regarding Purim, which is a day of feasting and joy. Although some disagree, nevertheless a groom's joy seems more severe and important than Purim and Chol HaMoed joy, since his seven celebration days don't count toward the thirty, while Purim and Chol HaMoed do count toward the thirty. Furthermore, the groom is permitted on the wedding night to have music, meat and wine, bathing, and consummation, so how in the morning does he suddenly become one who "wallows his pride in the dust" and not wear tefillin?! Moreover, according to Anaf Etz Avot and Daat Kedoshim, a groom is obligated to put on tefillin because these days are like a holiday for him. Therefore, it is good to put on tefillin without a blessing, to be concerned for those who disagree. (See II 273, 274. Chazon Ovadia Purim 191)

Conduct During the Seven Days of Celebration

Private Mourning - During the seven days of celebration, the groom observes mourning only in private matters like marital relations. But in public matters he is permitted, such as: haircuts, shaving, bathing, cutting nails, wearing laundered and pressed clothes, since a groom is comparable to a king, and it is said: "Your eyes shall see the king in his beauty." The Chatam Sofer wrote (Yoreh Deah 348) that since the bride is distressed if the groom shows mourning and doesn't appear in his beauty, and she is not in mourning, they are not permitted to distress her during her days of joy.

Counting the Thirty Days

A groom who observes seven days of celebration and then seven days of mourning counts the thirty days from the beginning of the mourning days, not from the day of burial. The reason is that during the seven celebration days he did not observe the mourning customs of the thirty days, as he was permitted to cut his hair, cut his nails, and launder clothes. Therefore, this is not similar to one who becomes a mourner during Chol HaMoed, who counts the thirty days from the burial day and not from the end of the festival when he begins to sit shiva, since during Chol HaMoed he was prohibited from haircuts and laundering, so he was already observing some aspects of mourning. (I 203, 205)

Bride in Mourning

All the above applies equally if one of the bride's relatives dies. However, for a bride the rules are more lenient, as even during mourning days she is permitted to wash her body in cold water, and her face, hands, and feet in warm water. She may also adorn herself, apply makeup, and cut her nails and hair. (As explained above, pages 202-204)

Mourning and Then Wedding

It should be clarified that if the bride and groom do not wish to conduct their wedding as above, but prefer to bury the deceased, sit for seven days of mourning, and then hold the wedding and seven days of celebration, they are certainly permitted to do so. After the celebration days end, they continue to observe mourning until the end of the thirty days from the burial.

The Chatam Sofer wrote (YD 348): It appears that in any case, the marriage does not cancel the thirty-day decree, but after the marriage days he returns to complete his remaining mourning days. The marriage days count toward the thirty. This is not like a festival that completely cancels the thirty-day rules [for other relatives], because there the reason given is that the festival cancels the heavenly judgment from the soul and it doesn't return to judgment after the festival, which applies to a public festival, but here, which is his private holiday, the judgment is not canceled from the soul.

Time to Console

A bride or groom who observes seven days of celebration and then seven days of mourning should not be consoled during the celebration days. This is not similar to one whose relative died during Chol HaMoed who is consoled then, because for a bride and groom the celebration days don't count toward the thirty, but for one whose relative died during the festival, the days count toward the thirty [even though he sits shiva only from the end of the festival], so it's appropriate for him to receive consolation during those days, because he is somewhat connected to mourning as he is prohibited from haircuts and laundering. (Beit Chatanim II, p. 480)

Festival During Celebration Days

If a bride or groom observes the seven celebration days first, and a festival [Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot] falls during the celebration days, the festival cancels the mourning, and they do not need to sit in mourning after the festival. (I 216)

Mourner After the Wedding

If a bride and groom entered the chuppah, and after the ceremony one of the groom's relatives died, whether on the first night or during other celebration days, whether he consummated the marriage or not, they bury the deceased. Since the celebration days have already begun, it is like one whose relative died during a festival, and he does not rend his garments but continues the seven celebration days with joy and songs with drum and lyre, and observes mourning only in private matters as mentioned above, being forbidden from marital relations even for the first consummation. At the end of the seventh day [of celebration] until nightfall, he rends his garments and begins to sit for seven days of mourning, and from then starts counting the thirty days, not from the burial day. [The same applies in all these cases if this happened to the bride, as mentioned above.] (I 198, 206)

Seclusion - If the groom consummated the marriage before a relative died, the bride and groom are permitted to be in seclusion. But if he did not consummate the marriage, they are forbidden to be in seclusion throughout the celebration days until the completion of the seven mourning days, after which they will be permitted if she is pure. But if she is not pure, they remain forbidden until she becomes pure. (Section 383:2. II 180) It is good to ask a sage, as there are several details in this matter.

End of Mourning Days - If at the end of the seven celebration days his brothers and relatives are still sitting in mourning, the groom may join them, and when they finish mourning the groom will also finish, without needing to sit specifically for seven days. For example: If a groom married on Tuesday, and on Wednesday his relative died, he continues the seven celebration days until Monday night. Then on Tuesday night he begins to sit in mourning with his relatives, and since the other relatives complete the shiva the next morning on Tuesday, the groom also completes it with them, having sat in mourning for just one night and a little in the morning. (I 207)

Attending a Funeral - The bride and groom are permitted to go to the funeral [as they go out for their other needs]. But they should not follow the bier to the cemetery, out of respect for their status. (I 310)

Second Marriages

For marriages that don't have seven days of celebration, but three days of joy, such as: a divorced man who married a divorced woman, and before the wedding ceremony a relative died, he observes seven days of mourning first, and then marries and observes three days of joy. But if after the ceremony a relative died, he observes three days of joy and then seven days of mourning. [In practice, one should consult a knowledgeable rabbi, as each case has its particulars.]

Nevertheless, if a widower married a widow and they held the wedding, and afterward a relative died, this is like one whose relative died during a festival, and he observes three days of joy, and then seven days of mourning. So wrote Maharitatz, Yaavetz, Lechem Hapanim, Mizbeach Adamah, and Sdei Chemed. [This is also the opinion of Rabbi Akiva Eiger (Section 342)] As for what Rabbi Yosef of Slutzk wrote that a widower who married a widow and the next day a relative died must immediately count seven days of mourning and then celebration days, this is contrary to the aforementioned authorities and the main ruling follows them. [All the more so considering the opinions of the Meiri and others, that one always observes the celebration days first].