Laws Related to Setting up a Tombstone

The Time for Erecting a Tombstone

It is a mitzvah to erect a tombstone on the grave on the seventh day, not like those who only erect it on the thirtieth day. This is because the tombstone provides great rest for the deceased and is a significant improvement for the elevation of their soul. (A 452)

First, from the words of the Rosh, it is clear that they used to make a tombstone in seven days, and it should not be delayed. And Rabbeinu the Ari wrote that the tombstone should be built at the conclusion of the seven days of mourning, because the reason for mourning the deceased is that seven "encircling lights" of his soul remain in the house, which cannot separate so quickly from the house where he passed away, and it is also difficult for them to separate from their inner soul. Therefore, they go back and forth from the grave to the house and from the house to the grave, and on each day of the seven days, one of the seven encircling lights remains connected with the inner soul in the grave. When the seven days of mourning are completed, they all separate from the house and encamp on the grave marker, etc. Therefore, the tombstone should not be built until after the seven days, because the reason for building the marker is as a kind of throne and seat for the encircling lights to rest upon the soul, and the encircling light has not yet been completed to camp there until the end of the mourning days. If they build it before this time, a spirit of impurity that adheres to the soul of the deceased rests on the marker and is never uprooted from there, similar to one who builds a house and does not mention Hashem's name on it, so that a spirit of impurity rests on it and is never uprooted from there, as written in the holy Zohar. Thus, it is clear that mourning depends on the presence of the encircling lights in the house of mourning, and since part of the day is considered like the whole day, it turns out that all the encircling lights have ascended to the grave on the seventh day itself, and therefore it is appropriate to build the tombstone on the seventh day itself. And so wrote in the Kontrass HaYehieli, that the building of the tombstone should be on the seventh day, and not later, so that the soul of the deceased will rest and sit on the tombstone, which is why the tombstone is called "nefesh" (soul), and such is the custom. And so wrote in the responsa Yerech Yaakov, that since it is explained in the Zohar and later authorities that the tombstone made on the grave of the deceased is a great rest for the deceased, and it contains a great improvement for the elevation of his soul, therefore the custom of holy Israel is to hasten to erect it on the seventh day of mourning, after the consolers have stood up. And so wrote the Pele Yoetz and the responsa Minchat Elazar. And the Gesher HaChaim wrote that this is the custom in Jerusalem. And so commanded the Chatam Sofer to erect a tombstone for his wife, the Rebbetzin, immediately after the seven days were completed. And so they did for the Gaon Divrei Chaim of Sanz, and so did the Gaon, author of Darkei Teshuva, for his father, the Gaon of blessed memory. And the responsa Minchat Yitzchak wrote, a practical example from the great authority, the great Gaon Maharsham, who erected a tombstone for his wife on the eighth day. But it is proper to erect it already on the seventh day, as explained. (Responsa Yabia Omer Part 4 Yoreh Deah Section 33 Paragraph 7)

One who buried his dead close to a holiday [Passover, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot], in a way that the holiday takes him out of the seven days of mourning, should not erect the tombstone on the eve of the holiday, but on the seventh day itself, even if it falls during Chol HaMoed (the intermediate days of the festival). (A 453)

The responsa Yerech Yaakov wrote, since it is a very great merit to erect the tombstone specifically on the seventh day, therefore it is permissible to allow making the tombstone during Chol HaMoed quickly, as far as one is able, for there is no greater need for a mitzvah than this, and since the matter is very necessary, they should do it during Chol HaMoed without any doubt.

If by mistake they made the tombstone within the seven days of mourning, although they did not act properly, there is no obligation to demolish the tombstone and build it again after the seven days. (A 454) Maran [Rabbi Ovadia Yosef] of blessed memory wrote: So wrote in the book Yikra D'Chayei HaChadash in the name of my soul friend, the Kabbalist Rabbi Benayahu Shmueli shlita. And the Gaon Rabbi Saraya Deblitzky shlita agreed with him. And so wrote the Kabbalist Rabbi Azriel Manzur, may his light shine. Therefore, it is better to sit and not act.

The Cost of the Tombstone

One should not invest money in such an elaborate tombstone, as there is no benefit to the deceased. Therefore, they should make a regular tombstone, and invest the rest of the money in charity for the elevation of Torah, which will bring a truly great benefit for the elevation of the deceased's soul. (A 455)

The Chafetz Chaim wrote in his book Ahavat Chesed: There are people who want to make a memorial for the souls of their parents, and they make them a marble tombstone, which is expensive and engraved with seal engravings in gilded letters, spending a lot of money on it, thinking they are bringing satisfaction to the souls of the deceased. And this is a great mistake, because in truth, the soul of the deceased after its separation from this world recognizes clearly in the world of truth that the only purpose is Torah, mitzvot, and good deeds, and only for them will it merit to delight in the pleasantness of Hashem and to visit His palace and enjoy the radiance of the Divine Presence. And every minor mitzvah that one performed in this world is more precious than gold and much fine gold, and one regrets and is distressed greatly that they did not do more and more. So what satisfaction will reach him when he sees that his children, whom he labored for in his lifetime, make him a beautiful tombstone instead of increasing in mitzvot and good deeds?It would be better for him if they would place a small, inexpensive tombstone for him with simple letters, and with the rest of the expenses buy holy books and dedicate them as an eternal remembrance for their parents and for the elevation of their souls, so that people can learn from them in yeshivot and study halls. Then their souls will dwell in goodness and ascend from level to level in the upper Garden of Eden, in the aspect of "a son gives merit to his father," and this is the honor and satisfaction that is much more important to them than spending their money and gold on an expensive tombstone. The Gaon Rabbi Chaim Palagi also wrote that it would be better not to place a large stone on the grave, but an stone of one cubit by one cubit is sufficient, and to write briefly: "Here is buried so-and-so son of so-and-so, the day of death, may his/her soul be bound in the bond of life," and no more. And they should not spend a lot of money on the tombstone, because it is all vanity, and the extra money should be distributed to charity for the elevation of the soul. And so wrote in Kontrass HaYechieli. And the Gaon Rabbi Moshe Feinstein in a response in the book Halacha and Medicine wrote, if the children want to give the value of the tombstone to charity and to support Torah study instead of erecting a tombstone, it is clear that they are not permitted to do so, but a simple tombstone of minimal value is sufficient, and the rest they should give to charity.

Picture of the Deceased

It is not permissible to place a picture of the deceased on the tombstone under any circumstances. (A 452)

Many poskim have forbidden doing so. The Radbaz wrote that since it is the way of gentiles to place images of their deities on the top of their burial monuments, it is forbidden to place a human face image on a stone monument in our cemetery, because of "and in their statutes you shall not walk." And the Chatam Sofer wrote that it is an ugly thing, and one should prevent it with all strength. And so wrote in the responsa Divrei Malkiel, especially according to what the Kabbalists wrote that through these images, a spirit of impurity is drawn, and it will cause great suffering to the deceased among those who fear Hashem and think of His name who are there. And it is appropriate to stand in the breach against those who do so. And so ruled the Maharam Shik, Yerushat Pleta, Mishmeret Shalom, Maharsham, and others.

The Holy Language. Hebrew Date.

The writing on the tombstone should be specifically in the Holy Language (Hebrew) and not in another language. Outside of Israel, if the mourners do not understand the Holy Language, it is permissible to write in the language they are familiar with. And one should not write on the tombstone a secular date, but only a Hebrew date. (A 454)

Excessive Praise

One should not include excessive praise in the inscription on the tombstone. (A 452)

One should be careful not to describe the deceased with great titles that do not suit him. And it is clear that in our times, one should not write the title "Chasid" even for a Torah scholar. And if he suffered, it is good to write on the tombstone "that he was afflicted with suffering." And the Gaon of Lissa wrote in his will: On my tombstone, they should not write about me neither Rabbi nor Gaon, because perhaps I sinned in accepting upon myself to be a rabbi, as I was not worthy of this, and why should my sin be remembered at all times. They should only write my name alone, and they should write the author of the books that I composed, because if one good thing is found in the entire book, it is worthy to mention it for merit. And the pious Gaon Rabbi Akiva Eiger commanded before his death that they should not write on the tombstone except "Here is the soul of Rabbi Akiva Eiger," and no more, but the rabbis of Pozna allowed themselves to add to the letter 'R' the word 'Rabbeinu' (our teacher). Also, the Gaon Rabbi Moshe Greenwald, Chief Rabbi of Chust, commanded that no title should be written on his tombstone, but only "Here is buried Rabbi Moshe son of Amram." And the Gaon, author of Sdei Chemed, wrote in his will: Heaven forbid to write on the tombstone any title, rabbi or sage, not at all, but in this language: "Monument of burial of Chaim Chizkiyahu son of Kalonymus Vida, may his soul dwell in goodness and his seed inherit the land." Humility is great. And in the book of the history of Rabbi Yitzchak Isaac Epstein, it is written, once the members of the Chevra Kadisha (burial society) sent to bring the rabbi to visit the cemetery, and he paused at one tombstone and read what was written on it, and called to the chief attendant of the Chevra Kadisha and said to him, "Above in the world of truth, they demand from this deceased where are all those praises and virtues written on his tombstone. Go and bring me an axe," and the rabbi commanded to erase with the axe what was written on the tombstone. Afterward, he entered the assembly of the Chevra Kadisha who were waiting for his arrival and said to them, "Now let's take a little whiskey, because I have done a favor for a soul." Let the wise hear and increase learning. In any case, a father who commanded his son to write degrading things about him is not permitted to do so, because the tombstone is for the honor of the deceased, and he cannot turn something that is essentially for honor into disgrace. But they are obligated to fulfill his wish not to write titles and praises about him. (A 457)

One Tombstone for Two

Those who have the custom to place one large tombstone over two graves, such as for their father and mother, are permitted to do so. (A 456)

Did Not Want a Tombstone

One who commanded that they should not erect a tombstone on his grave, we do not listen to him, and we build a tombstone. (A 452) Maran the Chida wrote, regarding a great rabbi who commanded that they should not make him a tombstone, they should not listen to him, and they should make him a small tombstone, because it contains a secret and improvement for the soul. And if the sage had remembered this, he would not have commanded so.

Lighting Candles

It is proper to prepare a place in the tombstone that will be suitable for lighting candles for the elevation of the deceased's soul.

It is written in the responsa Torah Lishma (section 520), and he should say with his mouth at the time of lighting the candle that he is lighting this candle for the rest of the soul of so-and-so son of so-and-so, and then with this declaration that he expresses verbally, a benefit will reach the soul of that person even from afar, all the more so if he lights a candle on the tombstone itself where part of the soul dwells. I have informed you according to our way that there is a reason also for lighting candles near the tombstones of the righteous, may their merit protect us, when going to prostrate oneself there.