The Seven Days of Mourning: Rules for Tefillin and Other Practices

Day of Death and Burial

As explained earlier, after the deceased is buried, the status of "onen" (acute mourner) ends and the mourner is once again obligated in all commandments. However, it is forbidden to put on tefillin on the day of death until the next morning after sunrise. Therefore, if the deceased passed away before the mourner had a chance to pray the morning prayer and put on tefillin, such as if the death occurred at night or in the early morning hours, the mourner does not put on tefillin at all that day. (Section 388:1, B 260)

Day of Death and Day of Burial

If one did not manage to bury the deceased on the day of death but rather the next day, for example if the person died on Sunday and was buried after nightfall which is already Monday night, or was buried the next day on Monday, then on Monday, one should put on tefillin privately without a blessing, as we are lenient in cases of doubtful blessings. (B 260)

Buried at Twilight

If the person died during the day and was buried at twilight, the mourner must put on tefillin with a blessing the next morning after sunrise. (B 270, 98)

Died on Shabbat and Buried on Saturday Night

If one died on Shabbat and was buried on Saturday night, according to the law, one does not put on tefillin on Sunday. This is different from what we wrote above that if someone died one day and was buried the next, they should put on tefillin privately without a blessing. In that case, the person was an "onen" and practiced mourning on the day of death, but when someone dies on Shabbat, there is no "onen" status on Shabbat. Additionally, many authorities hold that even on the day of burial alone, one does not put on tefillin. Nevertheless, if one specifically wants to put on tefillin on Sunday without a blessing, they may. (Maayan Omer 254) The next morning, on Monday, one puts on tefillin with a blessing after sunrise. (B 270, 273)

Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin

One who regularly puts on Rabbeinu Tam tefillin should certainly continue to do so during the seven days of mourning. (B 277)

Lighting a Memorial Candle

It is an important and proper custom to light a memorial candle throughout the seven days in the house of mourning, because the soul comes to the place of its relatives who are mourning for it, and this gives the soul satisfaction. One should say: "I am lighting this candle for the elevation of the soul of my father (name) son of (mother's name)" or "my mother (name) daughter of (mother's name)" and so on. (C 54, 59, 136, 207)

Covering Mirrors

It is customary to cover the mirrors in the house of mourning throughout the seven days. (C 52)

Separation Between Men and Women

When men and women sit in mourning, care should be taken to maintain separation, with men sitting in one room and women in another, to avoid mixing among the comforters, as this does not please the deceased at all, but rather the opposite. (C 74)

Also when setting up a tent for comforters, they should be careful as above. Therefore, they should arrange two tents, one for men and one for women, or make two entrances to the tent with a partition between them, or have men sit in the tent and women in the house, as King David of Israel said (Psalms 45:14): "All glorious is the king's daughter within the palace."

Guarding One's Eyes

A God-fearing Jew whose brothers and family have not yet merited to observe Torah and commandments, and they sit shiva with men and women mixed together, and he knows that during the shiva, women who are not modestly dressed will come to comfort them, and most likely he and other God-fearing men who come to comfort him will stumble upon forbidden sights and transgress many Torah prohibitions, should politely and gently clarify to his family that he cannot sit with them, and should sit in his own home. If they live in the same city, each evening of the seven days he should go to sit with them during the afternoon and evening prayers, as at such times usually only men are present. He should ensure that words of Torah and encouragement are said there for the elevation of the deceased's soul, especially regarding children's education in Torah and fear of Heaven.

Neglecting Torah Study - A scholar who knows that if he sits with his brothers, they will engage in excessive talk and chatter about various matters, especially when many family members arrive, such as cousins and nephews from all over the country, causing him great neglect of Torah study and waste of time, see below (page 209) for how he should conduct himself.

Three Days for Weeping

On the verse (Jeremiah 22:10): "Do not weep for the dead, nor bemoan him" [the mourner typically shakes his head back and forth in grief and sorrow], our Sages taught (Moed Katan 27b): "Do not weep for the dead" - too much. "Nor bemoan him" - more than the proper measure. How so? Three days for weeping, seven for eulogizing, thirty for refraining from haircuts. From then on, Hashem says: You are not more merciful than I am. This applies to ordinary people, but for Torah scholars, one may extend the weeping period according to their level of wisdom. Nevertheless, one should not weep for them more than thirty days, for who is greater than Moses, about whom it is said (Deuteronomy 34:8): "And the children of Israel wept for Moses thirty days, and the days of weeping and mourning for Moses were completed." Similarly, one should not eulogize for more than twelve months, for we have no greater sage than Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi, who was eulogized for twelve months. (A 271)

The reason they said three days for weeping is because the soul hovers over the body, thinking that perhaps it will be permitted to return to it, but after three days when it sees that the appearance of the face has changed, it leaves it and departs in sorrow, coming and going from the house to the grave and from the grave to the house until the end of the seven days. (Jerusalem Talmud. B 84)

Weeping Relieves Suffering

Know that the grief and weeping that mourners do for the deceased alleviates their suffering in the next world. Therefore, it is good that they weep for him, not like those who restrain themselves from weeping, or who try to calm and stop the mourner from crying when they do cry. (Maavar Yabbok. D 267)

Divine Judgment is Present

Anyone who does not mourn as the Sages commanded is considered cruel. Rather, one should mourn and weep and fear and worry and examine their deeds and return in complete repentance, because divine judgment is extended over them. (B 85) See above at the beginning of the Aggadah section (page ?????) for an expansion on this topic.

Cannot Weep

One who cannot weep for the dead or who is concerned about their eyesight should voice sounds of crying or read chapters of supplication from the Book of Psalms in a crying voice for the elevation of the deceased's soul, as it is said (Psalms 6:9): "For Hashem has heard the voice of my weeping." (A 271. B 84)

"You are children to Hashem your God"

Our Sages said (Moed Katan 27b): One who grieves excessively over the dead may end up weeping over another dead person, Heaven forbid. The Rambam writes (Laws of Mourning 13:11): A person should not grieve too much for his dead, for this is the way of the world. One who causes himself more suffering than is customary for the way of the world is foolish. For we are believers, children of believers, that the soul of the dead, which is a divine portion from above, is not lost, but returns to God who gave it, to behold the pleasantness of Hashem and visit His sanctuary. However, if after three days one is moved to tears remembering the deceased and their deeds, and especially if their eyes shed tears spontaneously from great sorrow, there is no concern in this. (B 84)

Holding an Infant

Since a mourner is forbidden to engage in joy, they should not hold an infant in their arms during the seven days, as this might lead to laughter. However, if their intention is to calm the infant so it doesn't cry and suffer, it is permitted to hold it, but they should be careful not to come to laughter. It's best not to do this in front of others. (Section 391:1. B 315)

Shehecheyanu Blessing

A mourner during the seven days who is presented with a new fruit should recite the "Shehecheyanu" blessing. Similarly, if they see an acquaintance whom they haven't seen for thirty days and are very happy to see them, such as their teacher, father, mother, friend, and the like, they should recite "Shehecheyanu." (B 305)

Meat and Wine

It is permissible to eat meat and drink a little wine during the seven days of mourning. Families who have a custom not to eat meat are mistaken, as their custom has no foundation or root in Jewish law, and they may therefore eat meat even without annulling their vow. Those who refrain from eating meat on the holy Shabbat because of mourning are committing a prohibition and it is a transgression. (B 315, 316)

Fragrant Items

It is a great mitzvah to bring to the house of mourning four types of fragrances: "Who gives a pleasant fragrance to fruits" [citron, lemon, melon, after slightly rubbing the peel], "fragrant woods" [lemon verbena, myrtle], "fragrant herbs" [mint, rue], "various spices" [perfume], so that the mourners and comforters may recite many blessings for the elevation of the deceased's soul. [Rabbi Ovadia Yosef wrote (Responsa Yabia Omer vol.9 section 108 paragraph 106): I bless "Creator of fragrant woods" over myrtle or lemon verbena or rosemary, and then I bless "Creator of fragrant herbs" over mint, and also over rue, and before all of them I recite the blessing "Who gives a pleasant fragrance to fruits"].

In Responsa Rav Pe'alim, he was asked how people practice bringing fragrances to the mourners and blessing over them for the elevation of the deceased's soul, given that it is ruled (Section 378:7) that fragrances and incense are not brought to the house of mourning [in their time, they used to bring after meals various spices and perfumed powder on fire in pans for a pleasant smell, and they would bless on this "Creator of fragrant woods" (Rashi Berachot 42b)]? He resolved that the ruling speaks of bringing fragrances for pleasure and indulgence, which evokes joy, but when bringing them for blessing for the elevation of the deceased's soul, there is no issue.

Guarding the Mourner

The mourner should not be left alone in their house, even during the day. (A 310)

Taking Items from the House of Mourning

Some have the custom not to take anything from the house of mourning during all seven days. One who is not particular and does not worry about this may take things without any concern whatsoever. (C 60)