After Burial: The Meal of Consolation

First Meal

The first meal that a mourner eats after burial is called a "meal of consolation" (Seudat Havra'ah), where we console [from the language of health and strength] the mourner and comfort their mind in their grief. [This is also a term for food (Samuel II 3:35), as it says: "And all the people came to give David bread to eat"]. For this meal, the mourner is forbidden to eat from their own food; rather, it is a mitzvah for neighbors or acquaintances to bring food from their own. (Section 378:1)

The Rosh wrote that the reason for the consolation meal is because the mourner is worried and sighing over their dead and does not think about eating, almost wishing to die themselves. Therefore, they were commanded to eat from others' food for at least the first meal. The custom developed to provide meals throughout the seven days of mourning (shiva), especially for the poor who cannot work during this time. This prevents embarrassment since wealthy mourners receive the same treatment. (Beit Yosef 378:10)

Eggs. Bread.

The custom is to bring hard-boiled eggs and bread to mourners. However, if the mourner does not wish to eat bread, they need not force themselves, as there is no legal obligation to eat bread at the consolation meal. (Section 378:9) The Orchot Chaim wrote: "The mourner should not peel the egg themselves, as it appears gluttonous," suggesting that instead of focusing on their mourning, they are occupied with peeling eggs. (Beit Yosef Section 378:10)

The reason eggs or lentils are brought is symbolic: just as lentils are round, mourning is something that comes around in the world. And just as an egg has no mouth, a mourner has no mouth, remaining silent and accepting divine judgment with love.

Eating. Drinking.

The prohibition against eating one's own food after burial until the consolation meal applies not only to a formal meal but to any food, including fruits, vegetables, and cooked dishes. However, the mourner is permitted to drink their own tea, coffee, or similar beverages. (Responsa Yabia Omer, Vol. 2, Yoreh Deah 25)

Day of Burial

If someone's deceased was buried during the day, and they did not want to eat anything after the burial, they may eat from their own food at the end of the day [sunset]. Similarly, if the burial occurred close to sunset and there was no time for the consolation meal before sunset, they may eat from their own food after sunset. (Section 378:3)

If the burial took place during twilight [up to 18.5 proportional minutes after sunset—approximately 16 regular minutes in winter and 24 regular minutes in summer], the mourner is legally exempt from the consolation meal and may eat from their own food after nightfall, even for their first meal.

If the burial took place at night after the stars appeared, and the mourner did not want to eat the consolation meal at night, they should be given the meal during the day. As long as they haven't eaten the consolation meal, they are forbidden to eat from their own food until sunset, when the day of burial ends.

No Consolation Meal

If neighbors did not bring a mourner the consolation meal, the mourner is not obligated to fast that day and may eat from their own food. However, the Sages viewed such neglect by neighbors very severely.

Consolation for Women

A married woman who is mourning is forbidden to eat a consolation meal provided by her husband [since a husband is obligated to provide for his wife, it would be as if she were eating from her own food]. Therefore, her female friends should provide her consolation meal. (Section 378:2)

Men should not provide a consolation meal to women under any circumstances. However, if the mourners are adult sons sitting with their mother, or brothers and sisters together, while the meal is given to the sons and brothers, the mother and sisters may also eat. (Section 378:2)

Dependents

A married son living with his father who is not obligated to support him may provide a consolation meal from his own money if the father is in mourning. Similarly, if the son is in mourning, the father may provide a consolation meal from his own money. (Section 378:2)

Who Breaks Bread?

During the consolation meal, the mourner sits at the head of the table. When bread is brought, the mourner washes their hands with a blessing, and the eldest person present blesses the bread and breaks it, placing a piece directly into the mourner's hand.

Drinking Wine

Wine is given to the mourner during the consolation meal. As the Talmud states (Sanhedrin 70a): "Wine was created in the world only to comfort mourners," as it says (Proverbs 31:6): "Give strong drink to the one who is perishing, and wine to those bitter in soul."

Friday Evening

If burial takes place close to Shabbat, no consolation meal is held, out of respect for Shabbat. (Section 378:3)

Intermediate Days of Festivals - For laws regarding the consolation meal during festivals, see below

Grace After Meals

Zimun (Invitation to Grace)

The mourner joins in the zimun with three or ten people. The leader adds to the zimun formula and says: Let us bless [with ten: our God] "the Comforter of mourners" from whose food we have eaten. And they respond: Blessed is [with ten: our God] "the Comforter of mourners" from whose food we have eaten and through whose goodness we live. (Section 379:3,5)

Text of the Third Blessing

Throughout the seven days of mourning, at the end of the third blessing [Builder of Jerusalem] in Grace After Meals, after the words "may You restore the kingdom of David Your anointed to its place speedily in our days," both the mourner and all those comforting who eat with them add: "Comfort, Hashem our God, the mourners of Zion and the mourners of Jerusalem. And these mourners who mourn in this bereavement, comfort them in their mourning and gladden them from their sorrow, as it is said (Isaiah 66:13): 'As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you; and in Jerusalem you shall be comforted.' Blessed are You, Hashem, who comforts mourners with the building of Jerusalem, Amen." (Section 379:2)

This text in the third blessing is only recited when there are comforters in the house of mourning. If the mourners are sitting alone with no comforters present, they should recite the regular third blessing of Grace After Meals, "Have mercy, Hashem, etc." (Ritva)

Text of the Fourth Blessing

Throughout the seven days of mourning, this text is recited in the fourth blessing: "Blessed are You, Hashem our God, King of the universe, forever, the God our Father, our King, our Mighty One, our Creator, our Redeemer, our Holy One, the Holy One of Jacob, the Living King, Who is good and does good, the God of truth, the Judge of truth, Who judges with righteousness, Who takes souls, Who rules His world to do according to His will, and we are His people and His servants, and for everything we are obligated to thank and bless Him. He who repairs breaches, may He repair this breach for us and for all His people Israel with mercy." They conclude Grace After Meals here without the "May the Merciful One" text. Mourners recite this blessing even when eating alone without comforters present.

Holy Shabbat

If the mourner eats on Shabbat with their family [including extended family, sons-in-law, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren], they recite the mourner's version of Grace After Meals, as this is not considered public mourning. [This was also the practice of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef during the Shabbat of mourning for his wife, Rabbanit Margalit.] However, if other people such as friends and acquaintances are eating with them, they should recite the regular version of Grace After Meals. (Section 379:4)