“Don’t Cause Pain to Anyone”: The Humility and Moral Clarity of Rabbi Aharon Yehuda Leib Shteinman

It's All About Kindness

When people asked Rabbi Aharon Yehuda Leib Shteinman what area they should work on to develop spiritually, his answer was simple and profound: “Kindness. Do more acts of kindness.”

He would speak in pain about situations where someone wanted to expand their home, and neighbors objected because it might block a bit of sunlight or change the building’s appearance. “Sixty years ago,” he once said, “under Hitler, Jews couldn’t even lift their heads. And now we’re complaining that a neighbor’s renovation project is bothering us?” He added, almost in disbelief, “Back then, people survived on potato peels. Today we have great apartments and everything we need, and a balcony 150 feet away is too much to tolerate?”

A Torah Ruling That Ended in Tears

Rabbi Shteinman often recalled a painful halachic (Jewish legal) case ruled on by the late Rabbi Nissim Karelitz. Two neighbors had lived in peace for decades. One of them became physically disabled, and his family sought to construct a ramp to accommodate the man's wheelchair. But the neighbor objected, claiming the ramp would “ruin the building’s appearance.” Legally, Rabbi Karelitz ruled in favor of the objecting neighbor, recognizing the validity of his claim.

But after the court session, Rabbi Karelitz broke down in tears and said, “True, the claim is technically valid. But how could he be apathetic to his neighbor's suffering?”

When Rabbi Shteinman heard the story, he commented that Rabbi Karelitz was probably right in assuming that the neighbor would not have been swayed by the moral aspects of the situation. Then he sighed and said, “The argument that ‘It will make the building ugly’ is inherently flawed. Is there a halacha that demands that the apartment building we live in needs to be exquisite?!

Manners over Winning Arguments

Rabbi Shteinman had little patience for those who fought over who was “right.” When people came to him with personal disputes, each claiming to be in the right, he would calmly reply: “Let’s say you’re 100% right. Still, the damage caused by the conflict is far greater than anything you think you gain by being ‘right.’”

On one occasion, he offered someone a bit of timeless advice: “Be careful not to draw too much attention to yourself. Those who seek the spotlight don’t succeed.”

Atonement Through Humility

A group of young men once approached Rabbi Shteinman and asked how to atone for their past mistakes. His answer was surprising: “The Ramak (Rabbi Moshe Cordovero) writes that a person should accept insults with love. That's the best thing.” When one of them objected that insults are unpredictable, and one can’t plan to be insulted, Rabbi Shteinman replied, “Even so. The very act of accepting such a commitment is already a great thing.”

Another individual asked him what personal area to work on. Rabbi Shteinman answered succinctly: “Take it upon yourself not to cause pain to anyone. Not even to members of your own family.”

“I Don’t Like to Argue”

In a rare moment of personal reflection, Rabbi Shteinman once shared: “I don’t like to argue, even though it means I’m the one who ends up ‘losing.’” He quoted the Chazon Ish, who once said that he only knew of three rabbis who were able to admit they were wrong. It's rare to find someone with good character traits.

Rabbi Shteinman then added: “One rabbi was an incredible Torah scholar and wrote many books. But his writings never gained traction because he lacked good character."