Laws of Escorting the Deceased

True Kindness

All who attend to the deceased for burial and everything related to it, such as: eulogies, funeral procession, carrying the bier, digging the grave, etc., are fulfilling the mitzvah of "acts of kindness" and the mitzvah of "love your neighbor as yourself." (A 296)

Honoring the Deceased

At the funeral of one's father or mother, one should not rush to bury them quickly, as one is obligated to eulogize and mourn them extensively. Rushing to bury them is improper. However, if one hurries because it is the eve of Shabbat or due to rain that might fall on the bier, this is praiseworthy. For other relatives who are not typically eulogized extensively, it is more respectful to bury them quickly rather than leaving the bier without a eulogy [and one who hastens to bury them appears to accept the King's decree with love]. (A 300)

For a Torah scholar who must be eulogized, he is like a father or mother, and one should not rush to bury him. (A 300)

Leaving the House

When removing the deceased from the house, one must be very careful that no person exits before the bier, as this poses great danger. However, those attending to the needs of the deceased who carry the bier and must exit first are not subject to this concern. (A 304)

Interrupting Work

Although legally the city's residents should stop working and studying Torah during a funeral to attend to the burial, this is not the custom today, since there is a Chevra Kadisha (burial society) that handles this, and they serve as agents for the rest of the city's residents. (A 297)

Schoolchildren

Today it is customary to allow children to be excused from school to participate in the funeral of a great Torah scholar or an important philanthropist who supports holy yeshivas.

Descendants Following the Bier

The custom in the holy city of Jerusalem is that when a father passes away, after the eulogies, the sons, daughters, and other descendants do not follow his bier, because according to Kabbalah, such accompaniment causes him great pain. It is good that other places in Israel and abroad adopt this custom, explaining gently and pleasantly that this practice is for the benefit of the deceased father and his rest. If they do not wish to listen, allow them to follow their custom and do not cause dispute. For one who causes dispute is not favored by the Sages. However, even according to Jerusalem's custom, sons and daughters may follow their mother's bier. (A 304)

Obligation to Escort

One who sees a funeral procession must escort the deceased at least four cubits [2 meters]. If one doesn't escort, they transgress (Proverbs 17:5): "He who mocks the poor insults his Maker." If there aren't even ten people accompanying, one should make an effort to escort the deceased to the burial place, and a blessing will come upon them. (A 297)

If one has escorted the deceased four cubits or more and now wishes to go about their business, they should stand in place and wait until they can no longer see the bier, and then proceed to their destination. (A 299)

If one is sitting at home and sees a funeral procession through the window, they should go and escort if possible. If unable, they should walk four cubits in their home and say near the window "Go in peace," "And you, go to the end and rest, and you will arise for your portion at the end of days" (Daniel 12:13). They should stand until the bier is no longer visible. Even though they are at home in a different domain, and it seemingly doesn't show much respect to escort from there, the honor given to the soul is spiritual and thus obligatory even from another domain. (A 299)

One traveling on a bus who sees a funeral procession should get off to escort the deceased if possible. If unable to disembark, they should stand as long as they can see the bier and say toward the deceased, "Go in peace," "And you, go to the end and rest, and you will arise for your portion at the end of days." [Even though a passenger is considered as walking and thus already escorting the deceased, why should they need to stand? Nevertheless, there is enhanced honor in standing out of respect for those accompanying and attending to the deceased]. If driving and unable to stop, they should remain in their vehicle and recite the above. (A 300)

The Talmud (Tractate Berachot 64a) states that when taking leave of a living person, one should say "Go to peace." When taking leave of the deceased, one should not say "Go to peace," but rather "Go in peace." The reason is that peace refers to the fulfillment of Torah, mitzvot, and good deeds, which create great 'peace' between us and our Father in Heaven, and the Torah's "ways are ways of pleasantness and all its paths are peace." Therefore, we tell a living friend "go to peace," meaning they should go from strength to strength, increasing in mitzvot and good deeds which are peace. But to the deceased we say "go in peace," meaning they should go with the mitzvot and good deeds they performed during their lifetime, for from now on, they no longer perform more, as once a person dies they are free from Torah and mitzvot. (A 303)

Baring the Shoulder

The Shulchan Aruch writes (section 340:16): For all deceased, if one wishes, they may bare their shoulder ["baring the shoulder" means removing one's arm to expose the shoulder, leaving the arm and shoulder uncovered]. For one's father or mother, one is obligated to bare the shoulder and walk thus before the bier until burial. However, if the son is an important person and it is not respectful for him to walk with a bared shoulder, he need not do so. The later authorities write that today the custom is not to bare the shoulder at all, because nowadays it would be considered disrespectful and a great embarrassment even for the lowest Jew, and is thus comparable to an important person in their times who would be ashamed by it. The Yafeh LaLev by Rabbi Palagi writes that we have never seen anyone bare their shoulder even for a great rabbi who taught Torah. One who wishes to be stringent where this is not the custom would be considered sinful, as all who see him will mock and laugh at him. Everyone should pray that Hashem's name not be desecrated through them. (A 235)

Reciting Verses

During the funeral, all attendees recite: "May the pleasantness...", Psalm 91 "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High" which has great powers to remove the spirit of impurity and dispel harmful forces, and also "Ana BeKoach." At a woman's funeral, they also recite: "A woman of valor, who can find." (A 302)

Even a mourner before burial (onen) may recite these verses (D 245). This is similar to saying Kaddish, which they are permitted to recite, for the honor of the deceased and benefit of their soul, protecting them from the spirit of impurity and harmful forces. It is also like reciting Psalms, which they may recite to protect the deceased, as this is a necessity to defend against harmful forces, as explained above (page 134).

Idle Conversation

During a funeral, it is forbidden to engage in idle conversation. Even if one is more than four cubits away from the bier, it is proper not to converse at all, but only recite the aforementioned verses to perform a "true kindness" with the deceased, and one's reward will be doubled from Heaven. (A 302, 303)

Greeting Others

One should not say "Shalom" to others during a funeral, to show grief and mourning for the deceased. If meeting someone after a long time, it is permissible to shake their hand or nod one's head as a sign of greeting, since no words are spoken. Similarly, one may greet them with "Good morning," "Good evening," or "Good news," as these expressions are not considered formal greetings. (A 324. B 249)

Charity

It is a great thing to give charity during a funeral for the elevation of the deceased's soul. (D 248)

Besides the great satisfaction that the deceased receives from the charity given for the elevation of their soul, as explained below (page 274), there is another reason: charity demonstrates the unity of Israel, showing empathy for the suffering of others in need of help, and this unity brings atonement, which is needed at such a time. Additionally, Pirkei D'Rabbi Eliezer states that through charity the dead will be resurrected, just as the prophet Elisha revived the Shunamite woman's son through the merit of the charity she performed for him. Further, it alludes to what the Talmud says (Bava Batra 10a): One verse states (Proverbs 10:2): "Treasures of wickedness profit not, but charity delivers from death," and another verse states (Proverbs 11:4): "Riches profit not in the day of wrath, but charity delivers from death." Why two mentions of charity? One saves from an unusual death, and one saves from the judgment of Gehenna. Rabbi Akiva said (Tractate Shabbat 156b): "Charity delivers from death" - not just from an unusual death, but from death itself.

Women

The custom is that women participate in the funeral, provided they are very careful not to mingle with the men, but walk behind them at a noticeable distance. This must be emphasized strongly, because unfortunately some do not understand the severity of the prohibition and cause great distress to the Divine Presence, as well as disturbing the rest of the deceased with such behavior. In any case, they should not come to the cemetery, as the Zohar strictly warns against this, saying it causes harm to the world. Likewise, the Shulchan Aruch ruled (section 359:2) that women should be prevented from going to the cemetery. (A 311)

Pregnant Women - A pregnant woman may participate in a funeral. (A 313)

Blessing Upon Seeing

Those accompanying the deceased to the cemetery should remember upon entering to recite with Hashem's name and kingship the blessing "Who created you in judgment..." as mentioned below (page 312). A mourner before burial should recite this blessing after the burial, when they become a formal mourner and can then make blessings. (A 451)

Escorting an Enemy

If someone had hatred toward another person who has died, the enemy may attend their funeral, and there is no concern that people will say he rejoices in their misfortune, as death is the end of all people. (Shach, Bach. A 310)

Non-Jewish Deceased

One who sees a funeral procession of non-Jewish deceased should escort them briefly for the sake of peaceful relations, but should not enter the cemetery under any circumstances, as explained below (page 350). (A 313)