Jewish Funeral Practices: Torah Guidelines for Honoring the Deceased

The Blessing of "The True Judge"

Someone who hears that one of his seven close relatives has died recites: “Blessed are You, Hashem, our God, King of the universe, the True Judge.” This blessing is recited on Shabbat as well.

These seven close relatives are: father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, a man for his wife, and a woman for her husband. Adopted children also recite the blessing for their adoptive parents, and if one’s primary Torah teacher passes away, their students also recite the blessing.

If someone for whatever reason did not recite the blessing immediately, he may still do so until the day of the burial and the night after have passed. After that, it is too late.

The Mitzvah of Tearing One’s Clothing

There is a mitzvah to tear one’s clothing upon hearing of the death of one of one’s seven close relatives. (The blessing is recited first, before tearing.) Adopted children also tear for their adoptive parents, as do students of their primary Torah teacher.

The purpose of tearing is to internalize and intensify one’s grief.

If one hears of a death on Shabbat, the tearing is done as soon as Shabbat ends.

If someone forgot to tear at the time they heard of the passing of a close relative, they should tear when they remember, as long as it is still before the end of shivah (unless one’s parent has passed away, in which case one tears as soon as one remembers, even many weeks later).

The tearing is done while standing, not sitting. Undergarments are not torn.

The custom is that for a father and mother one tears on the left side, and for other relatives on the right side. But if one reversed this, it does not invalidate the tearing and one does not need to tear again.

The custom is that another person begins to cut slightly with a knife or scissors at the edge of the garment, and the mourner continues to tear it himself by hand to the length of a handbreadth (around 4 inches).

For a parent, however, the area of the heart should be torn (of course the undergarment still protects modesty).

Women tear as men do, although they should pin up the torn area with safety pins, to protect modesty.

Accompanying the Dead

The mitzvah of accompanying the dead to burial, known as chesed shel emet (a genuine act of kindness), holds a special place in Torah life. Everyone who participates in taking care of the needs of the niftar (deceased person) — whether preparing the body for burial, arranging the eulogies, digging the grave, or carrying the bier — fulfills this mitzvah as well as the commandment to “love your fellow-man as yourself.”

Honoring the Deceased

At the funeral of one’s father or mother, one should not rush to bury them quickly. The Torah obligates children to weep and eulogize their parents with depth and respect, and undue haste is considered disgraceful. Exceptions exist, such as if Shabbat is about to begin, or if rain threatens to fall on the bier; in such cases, it is praiseworthy to proceed quickly.

However, burial should never be delayed unnecessarily as this is considered disrespectful to the niftar.

It is forbidden for the relatives of the deceased to delay burial overnight until dawn. This is such a strict law that it applies even to those who were executed by the Sanhedrin for committing heinous crimes.

Even if the deceased person himself, for whatever reason, asked or stipulated in his will that burial should be delayed, his wishes are disregarded.

If someone passes away during the daytime, every effort should be made to bury them before sunset (unless this is clearly impossible without cutting corners).

Nonetheless, if a very close relative is unable to arrive in time for the funeral, it may be postponed until that relative arrives, as this honors the deceased person. The exception is for funerals in the Old City of Jerusalem, where, due to the city’s sanctity, a dead person may not remain unburied overnight regardless of the circumstances.

Accompanying the Dead

When the deceased person is carried out of the house or funeral home, it is important that no one walks ahead of the bier. Doing so is considered spiritually dangerous. Those carrying the bier, however, are permitted to exit first out of necessity.

Anyone who sees a funeral procession should join it for at least four amot (which translates to around six feet). If there are fewer than ten mourners, anyone passing by should join them and accompany the deceased all the way to the cemetery. Such participation brings great blessing.

If someone already accompanied the bier for a short distance and must leave, he should remain in place until the bier is no longer in sight before going on his way.

At the Burial

Throughout a funeral, casual conversation is forbidden. Even those standing more than four amot from the bier should refrain from chatter and instead focus on the Psalms and prayers. This is considered a form of chesed shel emet, for which one receives great reward.

One should not exchange warm greetings during a funeral procession, as this contradicts the mood of mourning. If someone encounters an acquaintance one has not seen for a very long time, it is permissible to nod in recognition or silently shake hands. A subdued greeting such as “Good morning” etc. is permitted.

Ideally, one should give charity during a funeral for the merit of the deceased. Not only does it provide spiritual benefit for the soul of the niftar, it also expresses Jewish unity, compassion, and mutual responsibility. Our Sages teach that charity saves from both unusual forms of death and from the judgment of Gehinnom. The great Talmudic Sage Rabbi Akiva added that charity can save not only from an unusual form of death, but even from death itself.

Women at Funerals

It is customary for women to attend funerals, provided they walk and stand apart from the men and do not accompany the body into the cemetery. The Zohar strongly warns against women entering cemeteries, teaching that it causes spiritual harm to the world. The Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) likewise rules that women should be prevented from entering cemeteries. Pregnant women, however, may attend the funeral procession itself.

Funerals of Enemies

If a person had enmity toward the deceased, he may still attend the funeral. No one will suspect him of rejoicing at the other’s death, since death is something that happens to us all.

Funerals of Non-Jews

If one sees a non-Jewish funeral, it is proper to walk a short distance with the procession for the sake of peace between peoples. However, one should not enter the non-Jewish cemetery.