The Torah’s Blueprint for Marital Harmony: Balancing Faith, Responsibility, and Love

The Torah commands: “Her food, her clothing, and her marital rights he shall not diminish” (Shemot 21:10). This verse, codified in the Rambam (Negative Commandments 261) and Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 69–76, defines three core marital obligations:

• She’erah — the duty to provide sustenance,

• Kesutah — the obligation to provide clothing, and

• Onatah — the mitzvah of marital intimacy.

The Mitzvah of Onah — A Sacred Responsibility

No discussion of shalom bayit (domestic harmony) can ignore the mitzvah of onah. However, many great Torah leaders have advised that these topics be addressed privately. It is enough to say that this area is of deep importance and should not be neglected or left to chance. Approaching it with misunderstanding or embarrassment can cause significant harm.

True modesty (tzniut) does not mean avoiding the topic altogether; neglect often stems from confusion, not holiness. A couple should seek sensitive, knowledgeable guidance in this essential area.

In this essay, we will instead focus on the other two aspects — she’erah and kesutah: how to fulfill these obligations even in financially tight times.

Providing Food and Clothing — Core Foundations of Marriage

Jewish law clearly defines the husband’s obligations in these areas. One who deliberately withholds any of them from his wife violates a Torah prohibition (Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 46). Even if not done out of malice, the Be’er Heitev (Even HaEzer 76:16) debates whether he is still culpable, as the outcome causes distress.

The Neshamat Adam explains that even if the wife verbally waives her rights, it is proper to suspect that she may still feel pain in her heart. Hence, the Torah obligates a husband to provide for her needs with full sincerity.

Recognizing that not everyone manages their finances wisely, the Sages instituted a written ketubah to ensure this commitment — a practical safeguard for both spouses.

Effort and Livelihood — The Spiritual Role of Work

Peace at home and financial stability are intertwined. The Torah does not command wealth, but it commands responsibility. Every husband signs a ketubah promising to provide for his wife — a duty that precedes even the mitzvah of honoring her.

As the Talmud teaches (Temurah 16a): “A woman, when she lacks sustenance in her home, immediately cries out.”

This truth is timeless. Financial strain often leads to tension and resentment. Yet, some men respond to their wives’ worry with criticism: “You should have more faith!” But interestingly, the Sages did not require women to sign a ketubah promising stronger faith; they required men to sign one committing to provide.

Faith does not replace responsibility. Trust in God includes effort — not avoidance.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

When Saving Becomes Expensive

There are things in life you should not save on. One day, while carrying cheap garbage bags that tore open in the stairwell, I learned this lesson firsthand!

Similarly, I’ve seen many marital tensions resolved not through therapy, but through hiring a cleaning helper a few hours a week. Small investments that restore peace and emotional space are worth far more than the cost. Sometimes, the cheapest solution to conflict is spending money wisely.

Building a Balanced Life for Baalei Teshuvah

For those returning to Jewish observance, many challenges arise related to family relations, children’s education, schools, Torah learning, and more. Each topic deserves its own book. Here, we focus on the essentials of emotional balance, practical responsibility, and inner joy.

Becoming baalei teshuvah requires rebuilding from within. We cannot erase the past, but we can channel it wisely — allowing elements of our former selves (music, art, creativity, curiosity) to bring vitality to our spiritual lives, rather than guilt.

Shalom Bayit — The Heart of Spiritual Growth

Creating a peaceful, loving home is not just a mitzvah — it is the foundation of divine service. True respect for a wife means refraining from criticism, making her feel she is the highest priority. As Kohelet (9:9) says: “See life with the woman you love.” Rav Metzudot explains: “See that your life — and hers — are truly alive.”

Such serenity strengthens the soul, prevents burnout, and provides children with a living example of faith expressed through warmth and stability.

Lessons from Experience

Before publishing this book (“In the Place Where Baalei Teshuvah Stand”), I shared early drafts with several returnees to observance. Many embraced the chapters on shalom bayit, admitting this was their greatest challenge. Yet, when it came to the sections on inner growth and emotional balance, they often dismissed them — assuming they had already mastered those lessons.

Experience has taught me otherwise. Growth requires time, humility, and repeated rebalancing. As the Gemara teaches (Gittin 43a): “A person cannot truly grasp words of Torah until he has stumbled in them.” Only after mistakes does one gain real understanding.

The same is true in life: “A righteous person falls seven times and rises again” (Mishlei 24:16). Each fall helps him discover his personal “golden mean” — a balanced, sustainable path.

Awareness as a Shield

Those unaware that Judaism encourages joy, balance, and healthy emotional life may one day crash into crisis unprepared. Awareness alone — even before full internalization, equips us with tools for resilience.

When hardship presents, one who understands these principles can step back, think clearly, and realign his choices with Torah values and common sense.

The Continuous Work of Reflection

Each person must regularly examine their path:

• Are my efforts truly lishmah (for Heaven’s sake)?

• Do they promote genuine growth and harmony?

• Or are they driven by pride or false piety?

Such reflection must include the atmosphere at home, the wife’s well-being, and the overall emotional tone of family life.

Through honest self-examination, guided by trusted mentors, we can strengthen our homes with sincerity and peace — walking a path that pleases both our loved ones and the Creator Himself.