Imagined Baalei Teshuva and Marriage Stability: Navigating Economic Challenges

The Torah states (Exodus 21:10): "Her food, her clothing, and her marital rights shall not be diminished," which is also a legal directive (Rambam Negative Commandment 261, Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 69-76). In the Shulchan Aruch, "her food" refers to the obligation to provide sustenance to one's wife, "her clothing" refers to the obligation to buy her clothing, and "marital rights" refer to the doctrine of conjugal duty.

The Mitzvah of Marital Rights

It's impossible to discuss marital harmony without addressing the issue of marital rights. While some leading sages have advised me that this part of the Torah should remain oral, it's paramount to mention its importance. Approaching it incorrectly can lead to numerous problems. It's recommended to seek detailed guidance on the subject because neglecting these issues or merely accepting them is not due to modesty but rather due to simple evil inclination. Nevertheless, this piece will focus on the aspects of food and clothing—how to fulfill these obligations even for those financially strained.

Obligations of Food and Clothing

Clear guidelines are given in these obligations (as discussed in the Shulchan Aruch), and anyone who intentionally lessens his wife's food, clothing, or rights to cause her pain is in violation of this provision (Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvot 46). The Shulchan Aruch references a debate about whether one violates this law even without intending to cause distress, as long as he ultimately denies her (even if related to her food and clothing obligations). And as mentioned in the commentary (Siftei Kohen, Siman 76), even if she forgives, it's worth worrying that she feels troubled; furthermore, the Neshamah of Man (General 147) implies that one violates this law in any case. Despite this absolute obligation, our sages saw fit to include a direct commitment in the marriage contract for a man to work and sustain his wife, helping him fulfill his obligations to her. Let's examine how to fulfill these duties.

Efforts in Livelihood

There is a direct link between household income and marital harmony. Although wealth isn’t always in our hands, every man signed a marriage contract obligating him to work and provide for his wife, prioritized even over the obligation to honor her. The sages (Talmud Temurah 16a) note that a woman, when lacking resources at home, will immediately cry out. Experience shows that when there isn’t enough money and pressure builds, it often results in arguments. Many husbands respond to their wives’ worries by scolding them for not being strong enough in faith and trust. Strangely, the sages didn't establish a marriage contract for women concerning faith issues but rather decided to include only the husband’s obligation to support his wife and household. Refer to Part A, Chapter 4, where we elaborate on the obligation of personal effort placed on each individual.

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Ultimately, there’s a critical principle to remember: There are things on which one must not scrimp! I realized this once when I bought extremely cheap trash bags that ended up being quite thin. As a result, the bag tore in the stairwell, providing me with a valuable insight while gathering the waste. For instance, I know many issues of conflict and tension that were alleviated by hiring a housekeeper for a few hours a week. This eased the wife’s burden, lifting her out of bitterness and frustration, proving to be more effective than prolonged marriage counseling. Sometimes, the cheapest way to solve problems is through money!

Conclusion

The life of a ba'al teshuva involves many facets. We haven't delved into areas such as relationships with secular parents, children's education, selecting appropriate schools, Torah study methods, and more. These topics are significant enough to warrant their own comprehensive book (perhaps one day we will). However, in this article, we focused on the most critical points. It’s essential to diligently study and meticulously observe halacha but also to approach all aspects of life with seriousness and intent.

Being a ba'al teshuva means committing to balanced spiritual growth, as some desires from the past may not change. Thus, one should continue to accept permissible activities, filtered and scrutinized, to receive the vitality and joy they can provide.

The quest for marital harmony and creating an inviting home [one that our children aspire to emulate] is a goal, obligation, and necessity. We must strive towards this goal: honoring the wife by avoiding derogatory remarks, as we explained, and showing her she’s always paramount in our hearts.

Hashem wants us to invest our energy ensuring tranquility and genuine peace of mind in our homes and within ourselves. As it is stated (Ecclesiastes 9:9), "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love," ensuring that life feels truly fulfilled (according to the commentary). This profound peace reduces the chances of stress and breakdown during crises and, above all, enhances our commitment and responsibility to ensure our children continue in Hashem’s path, which is above all most cherished by Hashem.

Before publishing this book (‘Where Baalei Teshuva Stand’, from which these columns are taken), I distributed several copies to baalei teshuva for feedback and critiques. Some, at the beginning of their journey and somewhat unrealistic or ungrounded, had gathered stringencies without considering their integration into personal development. Others were more experienced but 'stuck' with early practices they adopted. I hoped the book would 'open their eyes' and help them see the importance of balanced spiritual work.

To my dismay and surprise, some baalei teshuva felt the book didn’t pertain to them, although everyone agreed the third section on marital issues was relevant and admitted they had room for improvement, hoping the book would aid in enhancing this aspect. But they perceived the earlier sections of the book (those unrelated to others critiquing their righteousness, but focused on personal and internal work) as irrelevant to them, convinced that they were experienced and had received proper guidance, seeing their work as balanced and complete.

My conclusion is that some matters require time. A young person might find it challenging to understand certain things. Life experience is the best teacher. This principle applies to young people by age (a teenager typically can’t grasp certain concepts, generally known), to young parents (despite being older, I had more parenting experience than my older brother when he became a father while I already had three children), and it applies to young baalei teshuva. It’s occasionally difficult to grasp specific ideas, and it's only after gaining experience, enlarging one’s acquaintance circle with religious communities beyond the initial narrow group, learning of the broader paths in serving Hashem, falling, and rising, that one can truly hear and accept teachings.

Indeed, the process follows the pattern outlined in the Talmud (Gittin 43a), 'A person doesn’t understand the words of Torah until he stumbles over them,' and Rashi explains that one doesn’t grasp the truth until failure sheds light. This reinforces the idea from Proverbs 24:16, "For a righteous man falls seven times and rises again"—that this cyclic process leads to personal balance.

An individual unaware of the principles we've discussed (that Judaism incorporates enjoyment, that balanced service to Hashem is crucial for truly impacting the heart, and that Judaism emphasizes marital harmony with everyone taking responsibility) will struggle when reality forces them to face these issues—they might stumble. However, even if one isn't yet living these ideals, awareness alone equips them with the tools to apply reason and draw upon foundational teachings to confront personal challenges successfully.

I sincerely hope every reader will reflect, employing common sense [along with advice from wise individuals who understand their totality], to continually evaluate and balance their path and actions. What is genuinely for the sake of heaven, what aids personal growth and development, what maintains boundaries, and what only leads to pride or false spiritual feelings. This sincere introspection should include a wife’s emotional state, the home atmosphere, and internal peace. This way, through sincere self-examination, with Hashem’s help, we can progress and strengthen ourselves authentically, without wasting energy on vanity, walking the path genuinely desired by Hashem.

To purchase Rabbi Dan Tiomkin's books 'Where Baalei Teshuva Stand,' click here.